Bunny’s TMI

Ok, hopefully I can remember it all!

Thursday: Mom and my brother came over and we all chatted a bit.

Friday: Dad came over and we all went to lunch at Taco Bell and then headed off to see Batman Begins which we all enjoyed. The previews for the Grimm Brothers movie looked good, and SkyHigh looked funny if a bit silly. Mom headed home to avoid traffic and Dad & my brother & I went to the Elephant Bar for an early dinner to celebrate a late father’s day. The food was good as always and Dad loves the service there. We headed back to Dad’s place and watched I Robot which was better than I thought it would be and made me want to dig out the book to reread.

Saturday: I slept in late and then drove to Oakland to hang out with a friend. He showed off his singing and keyboarding skills for a while which was awesome. We got ice cream and then had some really good pizza before heading out for karaoke. I ended up only doing one song and we did that together, so it was a bit disappointing since I was actually feeling like I could do one solo, but they never called me for the last song we had written down. We ended up staying up late to finish watching The Birdcage on tv.

Sunday: Drove home and spent all day in Uldaman on WoW, but it was reasonably productive and fun… but I couldn’t sleep so I ended up staying up too late again so I’ll probably pass out early tonight.

I’m starting to realize that I’m deeply unsatisfied with some parts of my life.

I don’t like my neighborhood. Which keeps me inside the house.

I don’t like my house – I hate the carpet and want to paint the walls and wish I could fill the place with fountains and green growing things. But I don’t have the time/money/energy for any of that.

I’m not happy with my pay, but I know that the job market sucks, and has been sucking and will continue to suck. Because I’m not happy with my pay and am unhappy with so many other things, I’m feeling very unmotivated at work, which I then feel bad about.

I’d really like to buy something in Davis so I could bike to and from work and enjoy the wind in my face each day and get some exercise. Something smaller than what I have now, but with a well established yard that doesn’t require much work so I can just enjoy it. But housing costs in Davis are crazy. For a half-plex like mine… $380k and up.

I’d even consider renting again, much as I hate the idea, but I don’t think I can sell my place till mom is more established and doesn’t need the equity line of credit as a required security. And I couldn’t afford rent & mortgage if I didn’t have a renter even for one month if I tried keeping my place and renting it out so I could rent in Davis.

I’m definitely not happy on the relationship front… and I’m trying to force myself yet again to just give up and get over what I wanted. But every time I think of that, the only other option that appeals is being a recluse in the woods with just me and the kitties in a little house with lots of plants and a creek outside. Which I would do if I could find a job that would left me buy something like that and telecommute. Which really isn’t likely in this job market.

So basically, I don’t like my job, or where I live or my relationship status. But none of those are simple things to change. So I’m feeling down, and torn, and angry and scared. I feel like I need a big change, but I don’t know what.

I love my friends and family, they’re wonderful. But that’s almost a bad thing because I don’t want to leave them, and yet I’m not happy here. I love them, and they love me. But I need more than just friends can give me to be happy enough to stay. And it really feels like what I want is more than any man can give… and unfortunately I can’t have a harem in real life like I do in WoW. Maybe it just feels that way because I haven’t found one that can keep up with me yet, but… I just don’t know. I want so many conflicting things, I want someone to chase me, to want me desperately, to show/prove how much they care… and yet I enjoy giving so much that things seem to end up the other way around. What I really want is a balanced give and take, and I know perfect balance isn’t realistic… but I at least want the see-saw to go back and forth.

I’m still having trouble sleeping normal hours and getting my weight back. I don’t exactly feel sad… just… tense… frustrated. Like I’m trying to figure out a puzzle and just can’t get the pieces to fit even though it seems like I’ve tried everything.

And lonely.

Maybe I am just accepting being alone, and this is just the process I have to go through to complete it. I haven’t been talking to anyone because I don’t know what to say, and I don’t want them to worry. Or feel bad. How can I still feel lonely even when I’m with a good friend? And yet I do… I’ve found myself wishing again that I could forgive my old ex and get back together with him, but so much time has passed that I doubt we know each other any more, and I don’t want to risk hurting him again… or myself, just because I’m lonely.

I suppose I should go back to my therapist… but I doubt it will help. I know what I need. I need to change one or more of the things I’m unhappy with. The problem is figuring out how to do so.

The silver lining to my weekend – going out dancing with MM. I always love hearing and feeling and moving to the music. And was only a tad irked that he was surprised I’m a good dancer. I’m really out of shape though, so I’m hoping to start going every week to remedy that.

I actually managed to get to Willow Creek in Folsom (after missing my turn and not realizing it till I hit Granite Bay) and find an ok little spot off one of the trails in a clear spot among the brambles and berry bushes to eat my lunch, read for a bit, and then just sit and listen to the sounds to try to clear my head. I think the wind in the leaves is one of my favorite sounds, along with running water and the ocean. And I’ve always loved the feeling of wind on my skin.

Talking with friends… I think it comes down to me wanting/needing to be held more. Every time I feel lonely… what I really am missing is the feeling of someone’s arms around me.

So that’s another down side to living in Sac… everyone is far away and traffic is horrible, so it’s hard for me to see my friends to get enough hugging to keep me going.

To paraphrase a friend: Most people are D6, you’re a D20.

That would explain my difficulties with finding people to date!

Had a ton of fun dancing at the press club last night… and realized how out of shape I am, so I’m determined to make that a weekly event.

I got my Intersella 5555 video and watched that too (the Lieji animation to Daft Punk’s stuff), One More Time was definitely the best song on it, but I enjoyed the video.

Horoscope:
More than likely, your thinking is very haphazard. Your mind is off and running in many different directions. You get one idea that instantly leads to something else, and off you go again. People who can’t keep up with your quick mind might be left in the dust.

Hah! That’s me all the time!

And between all my great friends… I’m drugged to heck and back with it! Hehe!
Music is good too. Singing and dancing. And nature, which I need to get more of in my life. And the kitties when they’re being lovey.

So I remember deciding to get over the shy thing when I was in elementary school. And I feel like I have. I’m still an introvert, and I don’t enjoy presenting things and being the center of attention, but stick me in a room with people and instead of trying to be invisible I’ll find someone to talk to or something to do to entertain myself.

I’m not sure when I decided to become an optimist, but it’s become second nature by now to assume the best and look for the silver lining.

So my next goals are to stopy being such a worrier! I need to live in the now more and worry about the future less. I do like being prepared and my skills at planning for the future, that’s how I got to where I am now, but I could use a little more enjoying the moment and a little less stressing about the future.

I also don’t know how I always seem to forget for long periods how incredibly good singing and dancing and listening to music make me feel. I think it’s time I bought a new stereo system, or left my computer on all the time running iTunes.

I’m going to drag myself out dancing this Friday no matter what! And I’m going to enjoy today and not worry about getting my crown tomorrow. I won’t know how bad it will or won’t be till it’s done, so why waste energy on it?

I guess it comes down to the continuation of removing energy drains from my life, and adding more energy boosters.