Cause if this isn’t what hell fells like… well, my imagination isn’t capable of worse.
Even Alaska is starting to sound good now… I should ask my cousin what it’s like up there.
Now that I’ve made the decision to move I can’t wait. I always tell myself to take my time with things, but once I decide on something I want to put it into action, no matter how long the decision itself took.
So it’s time to talk to Mom again and see if we can work things out if my place is rented out so that I can find a job and rental elsewhere until I can find a place to buy.
If summer would just end and cool off already I doubt I’d be this anxious. But the heat makes me just want to curl up and sleep and just do nothing… which is exactly how depression makes me feel. It’s like having an outfit that you only wear when you’re feeling sick… after a while putting it on will make you feel sick even if you weren’t before. I used to have one of those when I was younger until I realized the connection and got rid of it. So all the stuff going on with my body now is trying to affect my mental state, and it’s a struggle to keep it from doing so. I don’t want to live my life struggling like this. There are enough things that stress me out and affect me badly that living in this environment is just utterly self defeating.
And making the first decision to move away has freed me up. I really think I will look at Alaska as an option. If I’m going to have to fly home to visit, pretty much anywhere in the North West will work, though I’d prefer a coastal state. The only two things I’m really set on are a home with a really good sized chunk of land, like 1-10 acres or so, although you can’t have too much forested land. And a job that can support me comfortably that I enjoy.
I know that’s asking a lot, but it’s what I need to not be struggling like this. That or to win the lottery. 
