From a column I check daily:
naked relationships 2005-08-12 column
When your purpose is good, honesty serves it
It’s easy to tell the truth when it serves us. It can be tough when it doesn’t – or we think it doesn’t.
Truth always serves us. And telling it always serves our self-esteem. How we feel about ourselves is based on how well we live our values.
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Sometimes we forget. Case in point: When Stacy told Brad about her tai chi classes, Brad contained a cynical remark and instead proclaimed the merits of tai chi. He wanted another date, and a – little thing-? like tai chi wasn’t going to stand in his way. When honesty infringed on what he wanted, he impulsively withheld it.
A few weeks later when Stacy told Brad that she thought they were too different to continue a relationship, Brad agreed and told Stacy that all that tai chi and meditation stuff was too weird for him.
Brad’s purpose changed. Now, he simply wanted to save face and find the door, and he used “honesty” in a disparaging way to serve his purpose.
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- In a good relationship, partners use honesty to connect. They tell the truth, but they never use honesty as an excuse to be judgmental, says Sandra Anne Taylor, author of – Secrets of Attraction.
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Brad didn’t really want a good relationship. If he had, honesty would have served his purpose. He would have developed a good relationship with Stacy or moved on better prepared to develop a good relationship with somebody else.
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I often hear from readers who give honesty a try, despite their fears that what they have to share might scare somebody away. Inevitably, the honesty builds intimacy, because intimacy is a psychological knowledge of each other.
Even if the truth does scare somebody away from the prospect of a romantic relationship, there’s more closeness and respect. There is foundation for a real relationship of another kind.
Other readers are afraid of hurting somebody’s feelings with the truth. They want to be kind and they want to be well thought of. But there is no being kind with a lie. You don’t spare a partner who has bad breath by telling him that he doesn’t.
Under what circumstances does lying to a sweetheart really serve her? There are none. And if her sweetheart is lying to her, it’s probably because he doesn’t want to deal with the consequences of sharing the truth.
When you lie to somebody, you express a lack of trust in either the person you’re lying to or yourself. You can both handle the truth. And you can trust the truth to serve both of you.
You can’t have a genuinely fulfilling life or relationship without the truth. The more private or deep the truth is, the richer the life and the intimacy.
Yet people sometimes lie in hopes of getting the closeness or the relationship they want, but neither can be had based on lies. Nor can a good relationship be had based on doling out honesty to hurt somebody or serve your ego.
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When Brad used honesty to save face, he was hiding his feelings of embarrassment and rejection. He was being dishonest with himself. And therein lies the root of bad relationships.
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We can’t really be honest with other people until we are honest with ourselves. When we realize that the truth serves us, it’s easy to see how it also serves others.
When we’re ready to be honest with ourselves – and live a genuinely happy life – being honest with others will always serve our purpose.
