The short version? Always be true to yourself, because true friends and lovers will love that self, and anyone who doesn’t, well, they’re not true. And better to find that out sooner than later and get them out of your life. Since this is something I’ve really been working on the past few years, a well written reminder is handy.
naked relationships 2005-09-30 column
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Don’t bridle your interest to keep somebody else’s
People want to know how much interest to show in a relationship: Is calling her every day too much? Is he going to get bored with me if I spend every weekend with him?
When people ask if they should act less interested than they are, they’re really asking if they should play games. My answer is always NO.
You can’t live happily ever after pretending. And it’s not nice to play a game without explaining the objective and the rules.
When she likes you enough to want to know all of you, she’ll smile when she hears your voice even if she can’t stay on the phone. And if he’s going to get bored spending weekends with you, it’s best to learn that as soon as you can.
The old saying, Absence makes the heart grow fonder” is contradicted by, Out of sight, out of mind.”
According to social psychologists, one of the four most powerful predictors of attraction is proximity, or nearness. Frequent contact predicts our closest relationships.
That’s why people get hooked on TV characters and begin to think of them as REAL people. That’s why the boy next-door always has an advantage over the one across town. More contact, itself, often increases the chances of people liking each other.
Yes, familiarity can breed contempt. But when it does, you’re with the wrong person. Familiarity can also breed love and closeness enough of it breeds friendship, even with the wrong person.
If your desire and intensity overwhelm him, let him be overwhelmed. If what you have to give is too much for her, that’s OK; but don’t cut off a part of you because it’s too much for her.
Frequency is not boring. You are not boring. Complacency is boring; and nonchalance gets old. Let your passion out. Don’t hold yourself back. Don’t measure yourself out. Free your deepest feelings.
Revel in you and somebody else. Neither of you will tire of that. Every day will be spontaneous and unpredictable. It’s only when you bridle yourself that life becomes controlled and repetitious.
If you want to send flowers after the first date, send them. If you want to send them again after the second date, SEND THEM. (If you want to send them after the third date, let me give you my address.) If you want to call four times a day, call; if he’s busy, leave a message. Don’t miss a chance to embrace and share your vigor.
Disclosure is another one of the most powerful predictors of attraction. The more you disclose about yourself the more somebody can know you and because you’re so lovable, the more somebody can love you.
Disclosure also signals and builds trust. When you share a private piece of your heart with somebody, you’re saying, This is sacred to me, but I trust you with it.” And your willingness to be vulnerable helps to create a safe place for somebody else to open up.
When two people begin to share intimate details of their lives, you can predict that attraction is growing. You can feel it growing, even watch it growing.
So, pick up the phone or a pen, and let your heart out. Get in your car, or walk next door. Give somebody a hug, a kiss, a loving. Let somebody feel what you’re feeling. Don’t keep what is sacred to yourself, if you want to create a sacred relationship.
Forget the games. Forget the rules.
Freedom is joy, efficiency and abandon in the face of any odds,” said don Juan in Tales of Power” by Carlos Castaneda.
Lose your control to love, and you’ll find yourself in all your naked glory.
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