Bunny’s TMI

Having goals to work towards is a good thing, and something I’d been struggling with recently.

I’ve accomplished most of my major goals.
Graduated from college.
Bought a house.
Supported myself financially.

My next goal after those has been to find someone, get married, and after 4 or 5 years start seriously thinking about having a kid or kids and becoming a stay at home mom.

Unfortunately accomplishing this goal depends on someone other than just myself, which I’ve found makes it pretty darn hard to persue.

Happily though I finally figured out a way I can achieve the core of that goal – being a stay at home mom. If I work here for 25-30 years and retire at 50-55, I can become a foster mom and/or adopt a child. I’ll be a bit old, but with life spans getting longer, if I take care of my health I figure I might make it to 100.

If I happen to meet someone along they way, that’s a bonus and I’ll be open to it. But now I have a new goal that I can accomplish on my own and don’t need to look actively for someone to share my life with. So my sub-goal is to move to Davis to make it easier to get to work for the next 25 or so years.

With the recent turn of events I’ve been rather moody lately. So I’m trying to figure out where I am and what I want now.

What I know:
I’m done dating (as in trying to meet people or pursuing a relationship). I think I’m finally resigned to not finding someone and starting a family.

That leaves me with my career as the main focus in my life. I love what I do currently and I’m happy with my hours and schedule. I can see myself staying here until I retire.

So the quandry that leaves me in is not liking the commute or where I live. It’s another 2 years before West Village will be built, so once my job reclass goes through (hopefully) and I get a raise I’ll look into selling my place and buying something closer.

I’m not happy about not having anyone to make the Holidays special for since that’s one of the things I enjoy most.

I think I’ll still try to do my Christmas tree with PH’s help as that’s one of my favorite Christmas things. I’m also going to call churches and try to find some groups to go Christmas caroling with. And of course I’ll still bake lots of cookies, and I have my holiday party and Disneyland with mom to look forward to.

I think I’m going to cut back and gifts this year to save money and mostly make stuff for close friends so I can play with my craft stuff.

I suppose if I happened to meet someone who bothered to become a close friend and then persued me, I might be open to that. But I’m done looking and giving and reaching out to try to find someone. I just don’t trust myself anymore. I suppose that’s a bit sad. But I have good friends, and I have my kitty babies, and I’m happy with that as long as I’m not being overwhelmed with hurt and disappointment. So if I stop looking and hoping for a good relationship I should be able to just enjoy my life more.

Maybe the highs won’t be as high, but I’m ready to make that trade-off now to avoid the lows. I was loving feeling so great with the medication, and I’m not liking this backslide into unhappiness.

I’m sick of chosing guys who don’t appreciate me, or don’t want/care for me the way I do them. Maybe the way I want to be treated is unrealistic, but I’d rather be single than settle or let myself be pressured.

I like who I am. I enjoy my interests and the many aspects of who I am. It doesn’t really surprise me that being so unique makes it harder to find someone. Again it comes down to preferring to be single rather than neglect or deny some parts of myself.

I think I just need to keep busy and get my mind off things till I can get comfortable again. It’s about time I cleaned up the den anyway, and that’s where all my craft stuff is.

And on a lighter note. I finally noticed at 5pm that I’d been wearing my sweater backwards all day!

Settlers, Devil Bunny Hates the Earth, Uno, Settlers, Taboo with good company and reasonable healthy snacks other than the Skittles. Didn’t get chores done Friday though so Sunday afternoon/evening will be shopping time!