Well, I finally got over my rebound crush a week or two ago… and I’ve been really bleh and unmotivated ever since. I guess even just having someone to have a crush on makes a big difference, so now that I’ve managed to ween myself…. I guess it’s time to talk to the doc again and up my meds to find a dose that works when I’m alone. Since that’s how I plan to be for who knows how long. I’ve always believed that a relationship should be based on friendship, and that the person you love should be your best friend (you’re going to be spending more time with them in your life than with your parents, children or anyone else!) but I’d never really stuck to that in practice. Often boyfriends became good friends, but not the other way around. Now that I know what it can be like though, I couldn’t settle for less. The only problem is that I’m happy with the friends I have and have no time/energy to try to make more. Which means that I have no dating prospects at all.
I told myself I could work and just adopt when I retire, but I’m realizing that although being a mom was a huge part of my life’s goal, I’m kidding myself to think that being a wife wasn’t also a major part of it. It’s hard to let go of half of the one major dream I had for myself. Yeah I wanted to travel the world and build my own home and stuff like that, but those were dreams I didn’t really expect to come true so I don’t miss not having achieved them yet. And a major part of those was wanting to build the dream home for me and my husband to raise our kids in, wanting someone to travel and see the world with. And yes I have a degree and my own home, but that was part of the plan to prove to myself I could be self sufficeint before depending on someone else to support me. Even my dream job of doing web design working for myself depended on having a steady second income.
I need to find some new goals and give myself something to live for to get me through the next 25 years or so till I can retire. I guess first though I need to get my meds working so I can be motivated enough to get to work on time and do chores around the house and stuff before I worry about that.
The most vexing features of life are the doors that we open and close by our own choices. There’s no right or wrong, only profitable or unprofitable in mixed amounts… whatever you decide to do, just know that I’m still thinking about your well-being and ready to share my perspective, just as I always have.
Since you know I am a restless spirit, then you will not be surprised at my suggestion to let a change of surroundings or neighborhood reveal new motivation to you. Some place utterly serene and beautiful (and with internet access… why not WoW at a resort on the beach or in the Sierras?).