I found these pages of stuff written out when unpacking some more on Sunday.
On a scrap of paper:
“Motion helps sleep – sleeping in car? Did mom & dad do that?
More trouble with waking easily (mom)
More bad dreams (me)”
The answer to the first question is yes. Also explains why I love hammocks and rocking chairs.
This next one was a big one in a binder after talking to my therapist and just starting to read “The Highly Sensitive Person” probably about…. 2 years ago? A lot of it is really accurate, though there are some caveats now, I’ll put them in {}.
“What I’m looking for
Intelligence (conversation, respect for an equal)
Humor/Fun/Playful
Confidence (good self esteem)
Honesty, Trustworthy & Trusting
Communication
Positive (Happy/Optimistic)
Leader/Planner/Take charge – I can keep myself from being run over, don’t want and indecisive wimp – I might steamroll them
Romantic – willingness to be – it’s ok to get it from a book etc. as long as it happens – flowers, slow dancing, etc.
Very physically affectionate/cuddly (not directly tied to sex – just in general)
Is looking for marriage – understands that friendship is required to make that work & that you don’t have a lot of space {Not sure what I meant about space}
The same work/sleep schedule would be nice, if not must be willing to compromise {for time together and to not interfere with each other’s sleep}
Good Friends – reflects on him & his ability to have relationships
Must already be looking for marriage & family – not “someday” or “maybe” {as in ready to get married after finding the right person}
Must enjoy giving massages & receiving them
Strong is nice – I love being picked up and carried
likes the real me – short hair, little to no makeup
musically inclined – instrument or voice or both
good dancer
must be tolerant of the music I like
believes in self improvement – is ok with & has maybe been to therapy {as in, if we were to get married and ever have serious problems, willing to go to counseling}
Where I’m at -
I like the idea of marriage – 1 guy every day for the rest of my life – #1 best friend & #1 most important thing in my life
I believe friendship must come first or the physical & emotional connection will delay or hide the lack of a mental & spiritual connection.
I’m looking for respect, security, commitment – any man that respects me will be willing to wait & be patient, the right man should agree with the concept that the person you marry should be your best friend and that you need to go slow & develop the friendship.
I’m looking for someone emotionally available, but perhaps due to my empathy I’m {often} most attracted to those that hide/deny/bottle up their negative emotions – they feel happier/safer/calmer to me.
Theory on empathy – I’m a highly sensitive person – referring to the nervous system. Possibly I pick up on vocal, visual, olfactory & electrical cues that other don’t & I often can’t tell if I’m feeling someone else’s emotions. {I’m getting better about telling what is mine and what isn’t, but intense negative emotions from others are still very hard to be around – I know they aren’t mine but I still feel them}
Crowds overwhelm me – too many conflicting signals overwhelms my nervous system
Live performances – energize me, huge difference between live & taped, 1/2 infatuated with performers while the performance is going on – absorbing audience energy & actors projected energy
move too fast & easily confused not so much because I’m trying to please them to my own detriment but because I’m feeling their strong emotions & my weak ones – confusing.
do I want this or do I want it because they do?
Need to find someone who appropriately shares emotion – must share important stuff, but some things – like desire to move faster or farther shouldn’t be used to pressure me.
I want someone who is willing to ask permission for what they want so I can clarify what I’m ready for and what I like and want. I don’t like having to always push away or say stop or don’t.
I think I also want a guy to use as a focus/buffer so that I’m not overwhelmed as easily or as often – maybe the books will help me find a different/better way. {Well, it wasn’t fun, but after a year & a half of being single, I’ve figured out what I can handle when I only have myself as a buffer and what I have to do to take care of myself.}
What I need to make clear – I’m NOT having sex before marriage, I want to move very slowly – six months of friendship first – no jumping in – I fall in love too easily {and therefore get hurt easily} – I am very cuddly – hugs, holding hands, sitting/laying together, massage – but none of that means I’m ready for sexual stuff. Body language conflicts with my words, but I am NOT most girls – so deal with it or leave me alone.”
This was based on a conversation with a friend.
“Why do I need to give so much?
To be liked.
Why do I need to be liked?
Because I don’t like/value myself
What do I value?
Why am I the way I am?
Don’t trust Dr. – don’t want to be judged – judging myself?”
I’ve been working on respecting myself – which involves demanding to be treated with respect as well. And so far it’s seemed that respect & value go hand in hand for me.
More stuff:
“Mom complained about me hanging on her arm – I took that as what I want physically, others don’t want to give or don’t enjoy giving. I used to feel that to get what I want, I had to give/do what I didn’t want to because I was making them do what they didn’t want to.
Sometime during my earlier sexual relations I figured out that doing what I didn’t want to or was uncomfortable doing was not a good idea or something I had to do.
However, I still see someone else doing what I want as something they do for me, not as something they want to do. Also, I’m open about what I like & want, but I don’t like asking for it when I want it or having to mention it repeatedly – if I have to do that I feel like I am forcing the person to do a chore – something they don’t want to do, and then I can’t enjoy it.
I am an adult. I am only responsible for myself. I don’t not do what I don’t want to. – I should be willing to believe that others are the same way. I shouldn’t be so worried about using people {on accident}.
In junior high through junior college I saw women consciously using men for money, gifts, attention, etc. It seemed disgusting and wrong to me – like they were selling themselves.
I also let myself be used during high school because I had extremely low or no self esteem. So I know how bad being used felt.
I am now terrified of accidentally or unconsciously using people. But everyone does this to some extent, there is a natural give & take in relationships, which should be balanced.
I would never consciously use someone, so why am I so worried? Why do I feel so guilty? Because I feel like I am selfish and could easily use someone without meaning to. Also I do not value myself so when what they get in return is me, my attention or affection, I do not feel like there is an equal exchange going on. So I feel guilty. {The respect/value thing has helped this, and also being more open so that there is less risk for hidden agendas.}
I was constantly insulted, used, hurt by my so called friends in elementary school. Even when they made me cry daily, mom never told me they were not my friends. I decided that letting someone know that they had upset or hurt me would make them happy that they had achieved their goals so I learned to repress negative emotions & especially never to cry in front of people.
Anger is a reaction to hurt, so it’s probably ok that my anger turns to hurt almost instantly but I need to learn to acknowledge, accept & express those emotions. {I’ve been practicing letting people know about my emotions good and bad and have had good results which has been encouraging.}
I don’t like yelling or getting angry at people I care about or even seeing others get yelled at because I remember how bad I felt when dad yelled at me. I felt unloved and rejected – which is what he was trying to do – push us away so we wouldn’t find out about the drugs, to protect us from himself and because he felt unworthy.
Faux fur 
They have some of my black iron scroll stuff too (
Some lovely 
And a gorgeous 
