Brent J. Atkinson, Ph.D.
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Most people believe that certain ways of behaving in relationships are correct and others are incorrect. This is true to some degree. We would probably all agree that physically assaulting one’s partner is wrong. But marriage researchers have found that the vast majority of things couples argue about involve areas in which there is no evidence that one partner’s standards are better or “healthier” than the other’s.
Take selfishness—most of us think it’s bad for relationships. The problem is that there are so many potentially legitimate yardsticks for measuring pigishness and we tend to use our own, not our partners’.
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The way our brains are wired, the most effective way to solicit understanding and cooperation is not by attempting to prove oneself right at the other’s expense. It’s by exposing vulnerability. This is a difficult adjustment for anyone to make when feeling threatened, but in relationships where an emotional bond exists, evidence suggests that the brains of those involved are set up to respond to vulnerability with empathy.
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Why do people forget what they pick up so easily? Recent neuroscience studies suggest that new insights often don’t last because they aren’t integrated into the brain states that become active when the insights are most necessary. Finding a new way of thinking when we are calm doesn’t necessarily transfer to moments when we’re upset. When we feel threatened, our brains automatically kick into special operating modes that are designed for self-protection – not relationship bliss. Early indications of our special self-protective modes emerged from studies involving electrical stimulation of the brain date back to the 1950’s. By implanting electrodes deep within specific regions of patients’ brains, then applying electrical pulses, researchers were stunned to see the moods, desires and concerns of patients change dramatically. For example, upon stimulation, a patient in a study conducted by Robert Heath of Tulane University School of Medicine flew into a rage and felt suddenly offended, and threatened to kill the physician who was closest to him at the time. Patients in such studies are often surprised and confused by their own actions. When stimulation ceased, one patient remarked, “Why does it make me do this? I couldn’t help it. I didn’t have any control. I wanted to slap your face.” Even though they know ahead of time that the electrical stimulation might trigger anger, when the self-protective states in their brains are activated, they trust the feeling that they’ve actually been offended.
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Fortunately, our brains are not only equipped for self-protection; we’re also wired for love. Jaak Panksepp and his colleagues at Bowling Green State University have found the neural pathways for four specialized brain states that produce feelings that draw us closer to those we love: One state produces a feeling of vulnerability and a longing for emotional contact, a second produces feelings of tenderness and the urge to care for others, a third produces the urges for spontaneous and playful social contact, and a fourth activates sexual desire. While it’s possible to engage in caring actions without the activation of these mood states, such actions often feel fake, lacking the heartfelt quality that gives them meaning. Caring acts are simply that: acts.
When relationships are going well, the intimacy states are naturally active – and the feelings they produce are contagious. When one person is feeling sad, tender, playful or lustful, it’s easy for the other to feel something similar. For example, Panksepp has found that distress cries of young animals automatically activate the caretaking circuits of nearby adult animals. UCLA researcher Marco Iacoboni believes that this may be because of “mirror neurons” recently discovered in various many areas of the brain. Mirror neurons allow us to feel what another person is experiencing. This is why we cry at the movies when we sense the emotions of the characters, even though we don’t know them. Mirror neurons help our brains recreate the feelings inside of ourselves, allowing us to be powerfully affected by others.
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Nearly all neuroscience researchers agree on one thing: The mechanism through which the brain acquires new habits is repetition. One of the most enduring concepts in the field of neuroscience is Hebb’s Law, which states that when brain processes occur together over and over again, the connections between the neurons involved are strengthened, so that these processes are more likely to occur in conjunction in the future.
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Our moods and attitudes play a more powerful role in influencing our partners than the persuasiveness of our arguments.
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People often struggle mightily to influence each other’s behavior, only to fail because they don’t understand that their own critical attitudes and moods are triggering their partner’s natural defenses. Couples must retrain lifelong neuroemotional habits, in much the same way athletic or musical ability is honed through intense training and practice. Lasting change requires new impulses—ones that are formed only by making the same internal shifts over and over. If there’s one thing that’s clear to me from my new understanding of the brain, it’s that we will never succeed in out-muscling emotional states with the power of rationality. My experience tells me that when partners are approached with compassion rather than cool logic or blazing argument, internal states will usually shift in ways that create the possibility for real intimacy. Our brains, after all, are wired for love.
Cedar Waxwings - My IM conversation on the 16th with dad about them:
Later that week dad sent me this guy’s photo gallery: 
Tablestories now has 
