Bunny’s TMI

I wrote in and got an answer fairly quickly! Yay!

Rob’s Soapbox

February 12th, 2007

SOAPBOX BY REQUEST; ACT LIKE YOU’VE BEEN THERE

Last week, I got the following e-mail from a listener named Jenny:

“Hi Rob,

I Love the show and especially your soapbox. I’d love to see your opinion on public displays of affection on your soapbox at some point.

Jenny”

Ask, and you shall receive. As you can imagine, there are very few topics that I don’t have opinions on, and certainly PDA’s are a topic worthy of Valentine’s week.

Public Displays of Affection present a myriad of quandaries for those of you not blessed with my intellect. On one hand, we, as a society want to encourage people to be in love and be proud of their love. On the other hand, there are limits and discretions that must be observed. However, those limits are, of course, subjective. Some people believe that any sign of affection is acceptable because “it’s just the way people express their happiness.” Others believe that hand holding only is ok; while others still argue that simple kissing is where the line must be drawn. Fortunately for all of you, I am here to sort this out.

PDA’s, like fashion, body art, voice volume and all other forms of “look at me-isms” are all about self-respect; those of us with high levels of pride and self-esteem and equally low levels of a need to be noticed instinctually know where to draw the lines on all of these issues. The rest of the culture need to either be taught or laughed at appropriately. One phrase drives my decision making on all of these, and other, issues: “act like you’ve been there.”

When a 5 year old makes his first catch in Pop Warner football or gets his first hit in Little League baseball, you expect him to act like an over-active idiot excited beyond belief. He has, after all, never been in such a situation and, based on his intellect and maturity level, we expect such behavior. When that same child is 16 and leading his high school team to victory any self-respecting adult expects that boy to recognize that another base-hit or another tackle is just part of his job…why? Because he’s been there before and he knows that the sum of the parts is more than the thrill of the moment. The first time you drove a car you were nervous, excited and prone to driving faster than necessary for the “thrill of it.” At 35, you know that there is a time and place for such actions and the thrill of racing the fuck-wad next you at a stoplight has long since passed. The first time most of us had sex, we bombed and we bombed badly because we were nervous and excited. Once we acquire some experience and knowledge, we get better at what we do sexually and the thrill changes from a thrill of the novelty to a thrill of the possibilities.

Granted, most of my previous examples are based on a common thread; experience… and that is where my favorite phrase comes in; “act like you’ve been there.” Perhaps the most salient example I can give you is New Year’s Eve, better known as “amateur night” due to the fact that idiots who have no idea how to drink and/or hold their alcohol go nuts, get drunk, get belligerent, annoy all of us and make asses of themselves. Such nights spawned the phrase, “I remember my first beer, too,” a condescending remark designed to tell people they were acting like young, immature, ignorant idiots.

In the world of public displays of affection, the same such rules of self-respect must apply. While it’s not “ok,” for a teenage couple to French kiss in a McDonald’s, it is almost expected and understood by most of us. That same couple, in their early 20′s, should simply know better. They should act like they’ve been there before and recognize that you do not prove your love by showing it off to society. You do not declare your passion for someone by making others uncomfortable. Those that feel otherwise are simply part of that “look at me” culture that was never hugged enough by their parents. You know the ones… they drive a Prius with bumper stickers that say stupid things like, “Question Authority,” “Bad Cop, No Doughnut,” and “Anarchy.” Jerks.

Incidentally, those of you that would argue that the reason you stick your hand down your girlfriend’s top in Pottery Barn is just because you’re proud of her are misguided and lame. I am proud of my career, but I do not announce myself as a celebrity when I walk into a room. Pride, like greatness, is not pronounced or explained… it simply is.

So the answer, when it comes to Public Displays of affection is a balance based in self respect. No one believes more than I that you should not live your life for others, but you also must simultaneously understand that in a civilized society you must live within that society or remove yourself from it. You win nothing by trying to shove society’s face into your own crap. Hand holding, brief pecks on the lips, and arms around one another are the acceptable norm in today’s culture. When at a romantic moment in time, a brief but slightly passionate kiss is certainly understood. Beyond that, get a room. No one is impressed by the fact that we can all see you fingering your wife under the table of jerking off your boyfriend in the movie theater.