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Email bits

Saturday, November 5th, 2005

From an email I wrote:

Papa plays guitar. I took lessons after school from my
english teacher for a year, but I didn’t stick with
it.

Ok, so, story.

When I was a little little girl, I made up a song and
sang it to my mommy, and she loved it so much that it
made her so happy that she had to laugh with joy. But
I was just a little girl and didn’t know that you
could laugh with joy, so I thought she was laughing at
me. And so I never sang songs unless someone else (or
many someones) were singing with me or I was alone.
The end. :P

I still make up songs. :) And hum random tunes to
myself. And cause I grew up with mom and dad singing &
playing music… I never actually learned to read
much, I just learn the tunes and sing them. Sometimes
I can even hum along with a song the first time I hear
it cause I just know what is going to come next.

Onion bagels are yummy, but not so good for the
breath.

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Relationships/Friendships

Thursday, September 16th, 2004

Nothing interesting to report today really, so here is some more background stuff.

Let’s see, the first person (outside of family) that I felt I ever loved as a friend was this girl TC. I didn’t like her at first because we both liked the same guy, and he liked her more. But as we all hung out I got to know her better and we became really close. Previously all my friendships would go like this: I’d start hanging out with someone I had classes with, we’d be “best friends” all year. And then I wouldn’t hear from them or see them all summer. Rinse, repeat. TC was the first person who I stayed close to for more than a year. It was also different because she was a year older and went to a different school and lived across town, so we certainly weren’t friends because it was convenient. Unfortunately, after we’d been friends for about 2 years, she stopped talking to me (I later found out it was because her controlling boyfriend told her to). So that really took me a large step backwards in my progress with making female friends, but at least I finally had an idea of what friendships should be like.

My next best friend - my Big Bro - I met roleplaying. I only have one friend that I’m still in touch with from junior high, and although we’re good friends, we’ve never been terribly close. We’re there for each other, but we don’t open up about really deep personal stuff. So my Big Bro is the close friend I’ve known for longest. One of the most important things I learned from him is that when you love a friend and they’re important to you, you hold on to that, and time & distance mean nothing. I’m very very happy to be talking to him again more regularly, though I’ve missed spending time with him ever since he moved away. Around the time we became friends I slowly started moving away from unhealthy relationships. My relationships were still not healthy, but I stopped putting up with being treated really badly like I had before. I think having him respect and care for me helped me start to respect and care for myself more.

I think the next person I met was my calculus savior CD. We never got terribly close, but he was so fun & funny & intelligent & nice that I knew I wanted to stay friends. We lost touch for a few years when he went off to some engineering college. Every once in a while I’d send an email to his old address and search the net for him. It finally paid off and we’re in touch again. Talking to him and hearing about his life & relationship has helped me figure out what I should be looking for & working towards.

Moving to Davis was the biggest boost for my friendships. It was really hard and slow at first, but being in the university environment made it a lot easier to find quality people. PH was my very first friend that I made here (hahaha! and you’re still stuck with me 5 years later!!! nya nya). He was a huge help keeping me sane through college and my various relationships. I also met most of my other friends like DN (my personal therapist - I’d lay on his bed and vent till late at night while he played on his computer), Tiger and MS.

It really seems to me like my relationships kept pace with my friendships, probably because I firmly believe that a relationship should be built on friendship, so the more I learned about friendship and the better I got at being a friend, the better I was at relationships too.

The huge step DN helped me make earlier this year was realizing that my self esteem was not what it should have been. I liked who I was, but I didn’t value or respect myself - I put everyone before me and wasn’t taking proper care of myself. That started a long chain of reactions and I feel like I’ve learned more about me and life in this past year than in the previous 24. I think part of it was finally shifting my focus from “helping” other to working on improving myself more actively. One of these nights I’ll list all the books that helped me with all this too.

Ok, off to put a bit more food in me. :)

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Story of my inner life

Tuesday, September 14th, 2004

Oh, and I remembered as I was trying to fall asleep last night that I was going to give a second bio of my personal growth. So instead of letting it run through my head and distract me, here are the first few chapters:

I think I was in second or third grade when I decided that I didn’t want to be shy anymore. I remember deciding this as I was standing alone somewhere on the Sequoia playground. I’m not sure what I specifically did to work on this, but now the only time I feel “shy” is when I’m in a situation that is overwhelming for me. One-on-one and small groups are no problem for me now. I’m not outgoing by any means, but I don’t cower in the corner trying not to be noticed either. In kindergarten I used to hide under the tables or under my mom’s skirt. I made only one friend in first grade (the start of my preference for boys as friends). And he got sent to another school after that, so I never saw him again.

When I started working in the school library during high school I started to get into reading psychology stuff because we had a subscription to Psychology Today and I thought the articles were really interesting.

The next big change for me happened sometime around my senior year of high school - when I didn’t have classes and was just working and taking a few JC classes until starting at the JC the next year. This is how I used to think in high school: I need to get good grades to get into a good college to get a good job to succeed in life and be happy. I would stress so much about this that I’d make myself sick, which resulted in this: I’m missing class, I’m going to get behind, I’m going to get bad grades, I won’t get into a good college, I won’t get a good job, I’m going to be a poor miserable failure. Which of course didn’t help with the stress. A very vicious cycle.

I think a high school english teacher, Mr. B. was the first to point out to me that all my illnesses were “stress colds” as he called them. That was probably in 9th grade, but it took a few years for this thought to finally hatch: I’m stressing so much about grades/school that I’m ruining my health - and it ISN’T worth it! It was like a switch got thrown in my head. My classes at the JC were a breeze once I started there.

Hmmm, I just realized that relationships are also where I’ve done a lot of personal growth too. Around that time is also when I stopped dating losers who treated me really poorly. I also started learning more about friendship too. But I think that’s enough for today! Till next time on Bunny-Talk! ;)

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Archive of the Original LiveJournal Blog

Friday, September 10th, 2004

Ok, I decided I liked blogger.com better because it’s easier to use and I can host it on my own site and format it easily. So basically this is the stuff from livejournal.com and from now on I’ll be posting here.

Wednesday, September 8, 2004

12:05PM - Meetings……zzzzzzzzzzzzz

I am amazed at how long my boss can just talk. Luckily he’s interesting and I brought water & snacks… but I drank all my water and really really needed to go tinkle by the time the meeting ended. Why is it I only get phone calls when I’m on the line or out of the office? No calls yesterday - 2 today during the meeting.

Anyway, you want cuteness and a way to waste lots and lots of time? Check out http://orisinal.com

Of the three avocados I bought I actually managed to eat two of them. I only had to throw out one, that’s pretty good for me. So now I’m debating following the avocado with an orange or part of a candied apple from the wedding. Decisions, decisions. :)

I got my butt kicked at checkers last night… checkers! I knew that strategy games like chess weren’t my thing, I don’t have the patience and I just can’t think that far ahead in games like that to see the consequences of moves… but checkers??? That’s supposed to be easy. Watch, next I’ll be getting my tooshie stomped at tic-tac-toe. At least I got revenge in the word finding game. Jenny the walking thesaurus. And no I’m not a walking dictionary because I understand the words, but explaining them isn’t my strongest suit either.

Oh! I’ll update my spiritual/emotional/mental growth at some point, but for a start I consider myself “HSP” - a highly sensitive person - as defined by Elaine Aron in her books. See http://hsperson.com for some info on that. But anyway, I love coming up with metaphors for things, so the one I thought of yesterday: HSPs experience a smaller but deeper slice of life. So we end up with the same amount of pie, but we get more filling and less crust. So basically since we experience things to a greater depth/extent, we end up not being able to experience the breadth of experiences that nonHSPs can. So it’s a trade off. We both get the same amount of pie (life) in the end. I was thinking about it because of all the sleep I need - events impact me more, so I need more rest and end up experiencing fewer events than my nonHSP friends, but that’s ok because I get more out of the events I do get to experience.

Ok, enough rambling, I think I’m going to have the orange.

Current mood: contemplative

Tuesday, September 7, 2004

12:14PM - Four day weeks are nice

I love 3 day weekends. I think we get one in 10 of the 12 months. October is one of the 2 that doesn’t have one, but I’m making up for that by taking 2 days off and GOING TO DISNEYLAND!!!! Can you tell I’m a wee bit excited? This is only my second time ever. :D

This week is super busy too, I’m going out for dinner with people, or cooking in, pretty much every night. Luckily this weekend the only plan I have is to get my hair trimmed again. And I plan to keep it that way! I’m not leaving the house for anything else except maybe grocery shopping if I can help it. I’m just gonna work on my contract website and clean and read and sleep - lots of sleep.

Current mood: busy

Monday, September 6, 2004

10:08PM - busy busy busy!!!

Wow, so Friday was the Princess’ bridal shower. B did a great job, soooo much yummy food, especially this raspberry, strawberry, blueberry parfait thing, I had 2 there and took 2 home. :)

btw, this is diet crack: http://thecandybaron.com/detail.html?1057
just as crazy making in sufficient quantities - remember the giant ones? not quite as addictive - hence diet crack :D

Saturday I went home to see mom for her birthday (and I didn’t have to drive! Yay Yay Yay!!!) and we went to the beach. There was a ton of smoke driving through Sebastapol. The beaches were crowded so we ended up at Portuguese Beach. The weather was soooo perfect. We all had a nice time mostly lazing around. The water was freezing, but luckily I brought a change of clothes… I got a little wet after somebody threw a bowl of sea water at my back… just cause I splashed a little teeny tiny bit of water on him. =P

The ride home was cool, the smoke in the air obscured the sun enough to look right at it, it was this bright red disk in the sky. My camera was in the trunk though so I didn’t get a good picture of it.

Sunday was the wedding, which was nice and short, just how I want mine to be someday. :) I am absolutely not standing in front of a crowd of people longer than I have to. The food was great, and the couple was adorable. One of my best friends gave a great speech - which I helped him figure out the other day at work. :) And I got to see some friends that I don’t get to see very often. And the cakes & desserts! I’ve never seen that much dessert at a wedding.

I ended up watching Super Troopers (yes, it was funny) that night. And today has been lazy day for me. Sleeping, reading, more sleeping, tv - lots of Law & Order, and then more reading of email and comics…. and I’m now being told that I’m up past my bedtime, which I am, so I’m done for now!

=P

Current mood: chipper

Friday, September 3, 2004

1:22PM - I think I’m addicted….

scaryblackdeath, this is all your fault! :P putting ideas in my head, you didn’t tell me blogging was more addictive than diet crack!

Current mood: quixotic

1:13PM - A fricking sieve I tell you!!

So I have a regular therapy appointment every Friday during lunch. It got cancelled last week. I have it on my calendar, which makes a sound and bounces to get my attention to remind me. My boss wanders in to chat, and I hear it go off and think “It’s just reminding me to take lunch.” So I don’t look at it and start blogging… and get a call at 12:45 from my therapist because I’m late. Argh! I love going to see her, she’s a great therapist and has been a big help. And it is only $10 to see her with my insurance. So now I have to make sure that I’m extra careful to pay attention to my calendar reminders. And I feel bad for wasting her time. I can be such a n airheaded doof. Oh well. That just trashed my mood. I could feel it swirling down the drain. Ok, happy thoughts happy thoughts happy thoughts!!!! Pink fluffy bunnies! Ice cream! Ohhh, this calls for emergency chocolate. :) Hershey’s nuggets are yummy!

Current mood: ditzy

12:01PM - Birth of a Vorpal Bunny

Since my mind is like a sieve (you know, one of the fine mesh ones that most things slip through, but random bits get stuck and they’re really hard to clean) and I don’t know who I’ve told what, instead of filling out the bio I’m just gonna do a (relatively) quick rundown on the most important stuff.

Born, yay!

Went to Sequoia Elementary. Survived that.

Went to Rincon Valley Junior High. Somehow survived that also. Finally chopped my hair short in 8th grade - long hair is a pain!

Went to Santa Rosa High School. I managed to take enough college & summer school classes that I was done a year early, but I wanted to graduate with my classmates, so I walked in 97 but I didn’t take any classes my senior year. Talk about senioritis! I just worked and took stuff at the JC.

Went to Santa Rosa Junior College. Somehow managed to throw off a lot of the depression that I had suffered from - my health, grades and happiness got way better. I graduated from there with an AA and an AS and High Honors and transferred to UC Davis.

I transferred to Davis as a Design major - mainly because it was an easy major to get into at the time. I actually planned to switch to computer science because I loved the programming classes at the JC. Then I tried taking ECS 40 - and I HATED it. Dropped out after a week or two. Luckily I found out that although I don’t have a knack for design (I have a good eye, but my artistic ability is somewhat lacking), I actually really enjoy it. I managed to take a web design class, and the html code reminded me of C++. I really enjoyed it - I got to be artsy girl and tech geek at once! My friend Paul told me about a student job in his department with the College of Engineering. I graduated in 2002 with a B.S. in Design.

I started looking for work and a house to buy. I found a house which I bought with my mom - she had the proven income and awesome credit, I actually pay the bills. We share a split interest in it, my way of thanking her for putting me through college. I got 3 interviews and ended up with 2 part time jobs - one of them being my old student job with the College of Engineering. The other one was at a K-3rd grade elementary school as a librarian. Gee, shy quiet bookish Jenny as a librarian, what a surprise. :P I even had the glasses and my hair up in a bun and everything. :) I did that until school ended.

I decided that trying to do a 40 hour/week job in 15 hours wasn’t good for me, so I decided to find a different second job. Which I did, but it turned out to be even worse. Mainly because I can’t stand to be paid to sit around and do nothing. I was the webmaster for a small tribal college. I would search high and low and ask everyone for stuff to do, and I’d maybe be productive for a 1/2 hour or so. I was a zombie from stress the 4 months that I worked there. Thankfully they finally managed to bump me up to full time at UC Davis.

I realized I didn’t have enough local friends to hang out with so I started making more friends by meeting people online. I’ve met some really nice people that way. I overdid things in June - too much socializing, not enough rest. And then July hit and I had no reserves. My neighbors got evicted and when another neighbor and I went to take the two kittens they had abandoned to the shelter, we found out that they had six baby kittens. The shelter was full so I ended up stuck with the 8 extra cats for a month until I found places to take them. Papa went to the shelter and Momma & babies went to the Yolo SPCA. The extra cats kicked up my allergies again, so I was feeling sick. Dad also went into the the hospital for surgery so I was worrying about that, and staying up too late and doing too much extra driving to go visit him. My back and head started hurting from all the stress. Between the exhaustion and pain I wasn’t eating much.

Quick back story, known since JC that my only pms symptom is depression (a boyfriend pointed it out). I found out early this year that Calcium, Magnesium and B6 vitamins can cure this, and for me they did.

Well, not eating enough, even though I was taking my vitamins, kicked in my pms depression on top of everything else. It was bad, and it didn’t go away when I was done being hormonal like it normally does. I realized I was trying to do too much and I needed to make some major changes to my life. I was even looking into selling my home and renting again in Davis, which seemed horrible because I love owning my home, it’s a good investment, and rent is just throwing away money. Thankfully I found a couple of really nice ladies to carpool with. I also adjusted my curfew to make sure that I get enough sleep. And I started eating better and taking St. John’s Wort. The extra cats being gone and dad going home and recovering nicely helped too.

So now I’m feeling really happy with my life, and just happy in general. I think that’s enough for now. I’ll save my personal growth stuff for tomorrow. I think this could get to be my new lunchtime activity.

9:31AM - I guess I’ll maybe sorta kinda try this out…

Well, since I really enjoyed catching up with a couple old friends by reading their blogs, and writing stuff down seems to really help clarify my thoughts, so I guess blogging will let me kill two birds with one stone. I get to update friends and vent at the same time. :) And it saves me from trying to journal by hand, I type sooo much faster than I write, and my handwriting looks like a guy’s handwriting - I need to add some swoops and hearts over the i’s or something. To work with me, more later.

Current mood: awake

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