… basically all of it.
ROB’S ANNUAL HOLIDAY GUIDE PART 1; TELLING THE TRUTH ABOUT THE HOLIDAY LIES:
Every year I write extensively about the holidays because they mean so much to me. November and December are two whole months every year that I can focus on people important to me, dinner parties, present getting and giving, the positives of the hustle and bustle of the holidays and the nice cool weather, complete with a few storms enjoyed by a roaring fire.
Sadly, so many of you don’t enjoy the holidays and I have tried to counsel you as best I can over the years. No one should believe that the Holidays should be anything other than wonderful. This year, I begin with many common lies and myths about the holidays. We will use this list as the basis for the remaining columns of the year. Enjoy.
LIE #1: THE HOLIDAYS ARE FOR CHILDREN. Bullshit. The holidays are for YOUR children. As a parent, you should do all that you can to create positive, happy holidays for your kids. Additionally, if you are in a financial position to help other people and do that for their kids WITHOUT sacrificing your holiday, then you should do that too. However, it is not your job to make the holidays bright for your nieces or nephews, nor for your friends’ kids at the expense of your own ability to enjoy the holiday. In other words, people often spend $500 on the children of the family, then have nothing left to spend on their spouse. They then add to the lie by saying something ignorant like, “the look on my niece’s face was gift enough.” What a bunch of tripe. I’m betting a blue box from Tiffany & Co. would have made the look on your face rather priceless. Do not assign your holiday happiness to others, especially to children that aren’t even yours. The holidays are for us; each and every one of us.
LIE #2: THE HOLIDAYS ARE ABOUT FAMILY. Bullshit. The holidays are about me. The holidays should be about what each of us wants them to be. If that truly includes family, great-�enjoy! Don’t lie to yourself though and simply tolerate the family at holidays because you’ve been told that’s the thing to do. Holidays are to be savored, not tolerated.
LIE #3: I HAVE TO TOLERATE BAD MEMBERS OF MY FAMILY IN ORDER TO ENJOY THE GOOD ONES. Bullshit. This is what I call the “brother-in-law” rule. It seems as though every single family has a brother-in-law that most people can’t stand. Sure enough, every year at the holidays he’s the one who at the very least makes everyone uncomfortable and in the worst case scenario, actually ruins the day. It can be through drunkenness, inconsideration, fight starting, inappropriateness, or a myriad of other behaviors, but it always seems to happen. When it does, people respond by rolling their eyes and saying something idiotic like “there goes brother-in-law Jack again.” People explain that in order to see the family they like, they have to tolerate Jack. Not me. I tolerate no one and nothing at the holidays. You shouldn’t either. Stand up for yourself. Stop associating with your asshole brother-in-law year round. Make your reasons known to the family. In other words, grow a spine and demand only the best for yourself.
LIE #4: I HATE THE HOLIDAYS BECAUSE THEY ARE SO EXPENSIVE. Bullshit. You can have an amazing holiday with the one person you love more than anyone and a bag from Jack-In-The-Box. If you choose to succumb to society’s pressures and definitions of what makes the Holidays great, that’s your fault.
LIE #5: I HAVE TO GO TO CHRISTMAS EVE MASS: Total and complete bullshit. This is one of my favorite holiday lies. On Easter and Christmas every year, millions of Americans who have stepped nary a foot inside a church the rest of year pack in to the rafters. Some do it because they legitimately enjoy the service, but not most. Most people do it because they believe they should or have to. Others do it because they actually think that going to a church twice a year will get them into Heaven because “God understands how busy I am the rest of the year.” Oh Brother. This year, pull a Homer Simpson and stay home while the rest of the family trudges off to mass. You’ll have the greatest holiday ever, especially when you don’t allow their guilt to ruin your holiday.
Refuting these lies is a good start towards a happy holiday. My message will never change. You can love the holidays, but first you have to love yourself enough to demand what’s right and best for you. Get to it.
CHOOSE A HAPPY HOLIDAY
I learned long ago that almost every single thing that happens to me can be traced back to a choice I made. Car accidents, illnesses, debt, relationships gone bad, everything. It’s what’s called personal responsibility.
This time of year we get inundated with people and their horror stories of the holidays. Bad family experiences, loneliness, a desire to be elsewhere, no time off from work, and the list goes on and on.
My advice is always the same; you choose your holiday. If you hate being with your family, stop being with them. “But they’ll guilt trip me, they’ll cry, they’ll call me selfish,” people say in return. Fine, then you are choosing to be miserable at the holidays, rather than choosing to allow your family to call you names while you find a happier way to celebrate. “But if I don’t spend the holidays with my family, I’ll be alone and that’s worse,” others will say. Once again, then you are choosing between two negatives (in your opinion) and you need to accept the consequences for that choice. Much of the bitching and moaning people do about their “lots in life” are more about the bad choices they’ve made then they are about the choices presented to them.
I would always, by the way, choose the devil you don’t know. In other words, in the second example above most people would choose the miserable family over the lonely holiday because of their fear of being alone, and/or their fear of being chastised for preferring to be alone.
I have always loved the holidays and I have always chosen to enjoy them. For the past many years, everyone in my life has known that when Thanksgiving rolls around, I am fairly happy to be anywhere, as long as it’s understood that I will be cooking Thanksgiving dinner. I don’t care whose house it’s in or what state it’s in, I will be cooking. People who are uncomfortable with that demand are not part of my Thanksgiving, which is fine with me, and if it’s not fine with them, that’s their problem. Once again, I choose to be happy at the holidays by putting myself first.
Despite my long-standing ability to find a way to enjoy the holidays, I did undergo a catharsis about 10 years ago when I was working in Reno and planning on driving to the Bay Area for the Thanksgiving holiday weekend. Lo and behold, a monster storm hit that Wednesday and my plans were foiled. A situation like this is the kind that many people decry as “God punishing them,” or proof that they’re just not meant to be happy. Whatever. I viewed it as a chance to either choose to whine, or find a way to enjoy my holiday anyway.
I got numerous invitations from great friends, all of which I turned down. I had already decided that if I couldn’t be with my family, I didn’t need to find a substitute family to be with. Plus, My “I always cook” rule wouldn’t work when accepting a last minute invite to someone else’s home.
So, I left work on Wednesday and went to the store to buy myself all I would need for a great turkey dinner, including a 12 pack of Heineken. Then I went to Home Depot and bought boxes of floor tiles.
On Thanksgiving morning I was up watching football and working on my home’s floors at 8am, drinking my beer and taking breaks to prep my turkey. All of my family and friends called throughout the day. My turkey was great, my floor looked amazing. It was one of the greatest holidays I’ve ever spent, and I did it all alone, all by myself-�because I chose to have a happy holiday. I could’ve gone to a friend’s home, had a moderately good time and allowed the day to slip into the obscurity of memories we never really recall. Instead, I made a conscious choice to find a way to have a happy holiday. No matter what your past is, you have the same opportunity. So my advice to you is simple, either choose a way to have a happy holiday, or accept that you’ve chosen to have a less than happy one and be ok with that choice. Either way, it’s all on you.
Making the Holidays Happy
Since the time I grew up the holidays have been a special time of the year for me. They represent the best things about people and our society to me. In my world, people are nicer at the holidays; more polite, more charitable, more happy. This has always been true to me and I believe always will be.
Others see the negatives about the holidays, which I whole-heartedly acknowledge exist. People are stressed, more in hurry, and worried about money. I definitely see those people at the holiday times-�but I also see that every single day. To me, those negative descriptions of people’s behavior I just gave you occur in December, July, March and August. People are always stressed, impolite and worried about money. It is only around the Holiday times that I see a preponderance of people who exhibit the positive qualities I mentioned earlier. Choose to see what you like, I prefer the happier version.
It pains me to know that there are people who actually HATE the holidays. I am always saddened to hear about people who grew up with no Christmas or with strife and stress throughout their house even at the holidays. One of things that always made Christmas so special to me was that my parents (who ultimately divorced) seemingly put all of their troubles aside for two months of the year. Yet I hear story after story about crappy holiday times for people when they grew up. All I can tell you is that it doesn’t have to be that way. You can start right now today having real, meaningful Christmas holidays. Leave the past behind and join the rest of us who love the Holidays.
The final two months of the year can be joyous regardless of your situation. At no other time of the year are you so completely in control of your own outlook on life. One of the greatest Thanksgivings I ever had was in Reno one year when it snowed so hard I couldn’t drive to the Bay Area to be with any family members. I had plenty of dinner invites from friends in Reno but I chose instead to make myself a turkey, drink a 12 pack of beer, watch football and re-do my kitchen floor all by myself. It was fantastic, and will always be one of my favorite holiday memories because I made it that way. I didn’t feel sorry for myself, I didn’t dwell on anything negative, I just lived the best I could within the confines of my existence. ANYONE can do that, trust me.
I know that the meaning of the holidays has been screwed up by a lot of people, so here are a few rules of happiness at Christmastime:
*It is ok to be alone at the holidays, if that’s what you really want. Better to be with only yourself, than people you don’t enjoy
*If you are forced to be alone on a holiday against your own wishes, it can still be fantastic. You have an entire day when the world stops just to yourself – it is a gift, don’t waste it
*People make a choice at the holidays to be happier, sadder or indifferent. Choose happiness. (and if you’re saying right now that you don’t have anything to be happy about, then choose counseling immediately).
The holidays are what you make them. The holidays do not come along once a year to either MAKE you sad or happy, they just exist. You have a choice and regardless of your personal, financial, and lifestyle realities, you can make it a happy holiday. If you don’t, you can only blame yourself.
Making the Holidays Happy, Pt. 2
We spent a good deal of time on last week’s shows dealing with the family pressures of the holidays. Although there were far too many facets of the discussions for me to cover once again in this forum, I’d like to offer a basic synopsis for those of you who missed it, or perhaps still don’t get it.
We don’t spend enough time or effort in this society empowering people. Instead, we guilt people into believing that they are obligated to do certain things, behave certain ways and make certain sacrifices. I am here to tell you this: No matter what the situation is (at any time in your life) you have a choice.
Specific to the holidays, your choices are far less limited than you think, although the many sub-choices you get to make come after the big one: Are you going to choose your happiness over the happiness of others? If the answer is no, that’s fine, it’s your choice-�but please remember the repercussions of that choice. You (not anyone else) are allowing yourself to be taken advantage of at the holidays. You (no one else) are deciding that you are going to be inconvenienced, stressed out and unhappy at this time of the year. You are entitled to make that choice, but you have no right to then complain about it to anyone else. If you do, you are a self-loathing hypocrite and will lose the respect of those around you. If the answer to the big choice (your happiness versus others) is yes, then congratulations, you have taken a major step, advancing yourself beyond most of society.
Once you have decided that your happiness comes first, then decide what you want the holidays to be about. Use the same guidelines you use when buying a house; decide on the things that are absolutely non-negotiable, then decide what you are willing to compromise on.
For me, I insist that my wife and I spend Christmas morning alone and celebrate our traditional ritual. I demand that we be in our home for either Thanksgiving or Christmas. I insist that I do the cooking for all holidays that we host.
Fortunately for me, when I had this discussion with my wife, she agreed completely, so my list and her list were easy to meld into “our list.” Once you have agreed upon your demands as a couple, the rest is easier than you think. As long as you and your partner are united in your resolve to take hold of the holidays, you will find that your family and in-law guilt trips have much less impact on you.
This year, my wife and I decided together that we wanted to see her mother (who is unable to travel at this time) for a holiday, so we decided to fly to Arkansas and be with her for Thanksgiving. We also decided that we would therefore host Christmas dinner. Those were our resolved decisions and they played out as follows:
*We informed my mother (who lives in the area) that we would not be here for Thanksgiving. Obviously, it’s not our desire for her to be alone on Thanksgiving, but we cannot sacrifice our happiness for hers, so we left it at that (she’ll be fine, by the way). She in turn asked if we would join her for Christmas Eve dinner at her house, which we will do.
*We informed my Father that we would see him the weeks before and after Thanksgiving and Christmas. He was thrilled, as were we.
*We told my mother and the few friends that we care about that they were welcome at our house for Christmas (as it turns out, it looks like we’ll have 7-9 guests that night). In turn, we have agreed to a New Years Eve party at some close friends’ houses who will join us for Christmas.
No guilt trips, no fights, and no compromises on our part that we weren’t willing to make. We have eliminated people from our lives that would respond with guilt through the past few holidays. By taking control of your life and sticking to it, you’ll be amazed at how easy, fun and memorable the holidays will become.
Making the Holiday Happy III
As they say in the sports world, “It’s crunch time.” Christmas is almost here and millions of people are about to get stressed out and miserable. Much of the agony will come from shopping hassles, and I have no tolerance for any of you who fall prey to this Holiday trap. This should be a joyous time of the year, and if you are going to allow your poor planning or other people’s stubbornness to screw it up, then you have only yourself to blame.
Let’s start with you. First of all, if you are one of these people who never gets what they want on Christmas morning, you have only yourself to blame. Why you ask? Simply; either you have surrounded yourself with selfish people (see previous soapboxes for help on this one), or you are one of these “Oh, don’t worry about me,” people when it comes to the holidays. Y’know the type-�you ask them over and over again what they want for Christmas and they always say “nothing.” Fine. Then that’s what you get, nothing. If you aren’t going to be courageous and forthcoming enough to speak up and ask for what you want, then don’t be surprised when you get tripe. By the way, if you believe that it’s rude to tell people which gifts you want, it’s time to grow up. There is nothing rude about voicing your desires, and besides, if people are asking you they WANT to buy for you, so be gracious and give them a few ideas.
Now on to other people (which of course will ultimately come back to you, since I am such a firm believer in personal responsibility). Many people get very frustrated with having to buy gifts for other people for a myriad of reasons. Some people wait until the last minute and then can’t find what they wanted to buy for someone. There is no excuse for this in today’s age of the Internet, so if you are one of those people, screw off. You are a lost cause.
Other people get annoyed because their loved ones don’t tell them what they want. Fair enough, respond by telling them they’re getting cash. I did this once years ago and it snapped the person right into reality. You should have seen his face when he opened his Christmas present on Christmas morning and got $150 in ones. I explained that since he was such a selfish prick that he didn’t want to share with me what he wanted, I just gave him the cash amount I would’ve spent on him that year. I also told him that he was off my list for next year because I found his holiday attitude to be sullen and self-loathing and I wanted nothing to do with it. He later told me that because he hadn’t told anyone what he wanted, my cash was the second best gift he got that year. The best, he said, was my lecture which made him realize how inconsiderate he was being to his family. To this day, he’s still on my list, and I get a gift “wish-list” every year from him around Halloween (I created a monster).
Finally, there are those of you who make a lame-ass attempt to find a certain gift for someone, then give up after two stores and get them something else. You suck. Christmas is about love and about giving, two things which are supposed to require work. Going to Foot Locker and Champs does not entail work. If your loved one wants a very specific item and has given you plenty of time to find it, put some effort into it, it’s worth it.
In the end, you will hear me preach the same message over and over again. The holidays are what you make them. If they suck, it’s your fault and no one else’s.
Making the holiday happy IV
A new survey reveals that 66% of you find the Christmas Holiday stressful. During our on-air discussion on this, many of you called in and revealed that much, if not all of it, comes down to money.
One caller in particular was heart breaking. He called in to inform us that since his wife’s family was upper class financially (and he and his wife are just getting by) they spend all of their money making sure that the wife’s family gets gifts they won’t look down on. In fact, he and his wife have to spend so much to impress his in-laws that there is no money left for husband and wife to buy for each other.
Some people immediately began vilifying the in-laws. I have a different take (imagine that). I place the blame squarely on the wife, and secondly on the husband. The wife for allowing this situation, and the husband for tolerating it.
It is ill advised to place blame at the feet of the family for two reasons. First of all, you cannot expect inconsiderate people to behave in a considerate manner. These in-laws are simply selfish, arrogant, shallow people who place their entire worth on and in material things. They are a lost cause. Secondly, the family cannot be blamed for being who they are. It is you who are to blame for allowing such people to be part of your life.
That brings us to the wife in this situation. Once again we have a case where a spouse has not realized that her family is her husband first. Everyone else comes second. When Christmas comes around, she and her husband should decide on money and priorities (making each other the priorities). If there is nothing left for others, so be it. If they are true friends or people worthy of being called family, they will understand. In fact, they won’t even say anything. Screw ‘em. Who the Hell does she think she is putting her sisters and parents above her husband? Which brings us to him. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – people will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. In this case, this husband is allowing his wife to put him second. It’s time for him to nicely tell her that time is over.
Stress at the holidays? Please – like most stress, these things are simply everyday life issues that too many people are not courageous enough to confront. Get up some courage now, and make this your first of many holiday seasons that is truly HAPPY.
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