I’m lucky to have supportive friends and family.

I wish I had more local female friends that recognized their neurodivergence. People don’t want to be told that their camouflage is failing.

Right now zoom is tiring as I adjust to my new meds and new diagnosis, so it’s hard to connect with my openly neurodivergent female friends that all live out of state.

I’m posting this so that others might realize that they could be more open about being Autistic and various types of neurodivergent.

Or go take Penelope’s class: Autism research that fixes your life – Penelope Trunk Careers

Meds for Bipolar & Pain

So far my brain fog is a little better, but I still can’t focus on things I could physically handle. I just found out that some anti-psychotics also help with pain, so that might be something to look into.

I am not a doctor, just sharing my experience. And info from a friend who is also not a doctor:
Cymbalta, Lyrica, Savella
Often Lyrica & Savella are taken in tandem

Bipolar Disorder

I have a family history (males) of bipolar disorder. I had two manic episodes that I was involuntarily committed for. The best I can figure is that I was not treating my EDS and had learned to function in a semi-permanent state of shock to cope with the pain. Lesson learned, treat, don’t cope. I’m working on finding a neurologist, cardiologist, pain doctor so that I don’t miss sleep due to pain and trigger mania that way. I’m guessing this is just one form of a female autistic meltdown. I was feeling pretty good for two weeks before I guess I lost it and being committed was some of the worst trauma I’ve been through in my life.

The game

My life is a game.

I can turn anything into a game.

So far only my progeny is good enough at turning anything into.

……………. I was interrupted ………………..

If you have to apologize for being bad at a game


The response is laughter

Then you won the game of surprise

If you laugh you get it, which means either you won or you’re so surprised and happy you lost that you know what OTHER game you just finally won.

If you know the rules and the game then you know who won.

If you lose, you have to do what the winner says.

That’s the rules.

If you don’t know the rules, you have to follow the rules until you know how to break them and still win or you have to accept the consequences of breaking them. If the rules aren’t fair, then you have to figure out what the game is so you can figure out how to change the rules.

Humans are REALLY good at games and finding ways to “cheat” that aren’t against the rules.

If someone changes the rules, you know you found a loophole they had to fix. If no one will agree to your rules, you have to figure out a game you can play solitaire or you have to make your game more appealing until at least one other person agrees to play by your rules. If you want to spend more time playing, then naming the game speeds up ruleset identification. If you want to spend more time playing and less time discussing or explaining the rules, then write them down. If they’re already written, you can choose:

read them

abide by them

find a loophole

Loophole means you have to agree if the loophole is fair or unfair.

If you want to play more, then you need to write down your agreement or what you want for next time to close the loophole.


Yes Dear

The Parenting Game

Be Nice

Love You Always – stub to do, write down rules

Help Me Out

The Two-Doors Game (Decode-Encode speed run)

Who’s afraid of the lean mean ghost machine?

The 10.2 Game (10=2, solve)

Three strikes, you’re out


Name that game: Rules – if you name it, and either

write it down OR someone else recognizes it

Then, you know who won

breathing game (rules: name the game, breath together)

Laughing game – evoke laughter, understand the joke – must offer to explain

Humor game

Vulture’s Pick

Scariest Word


I know the definition of Boolean. My spouse does.

I’m afraid to say the word where my spouse can hear it. Which means I’m literally afraid to say Boo(lean).

Either you get the joke or you don’t.

And it’s only laugh out loud funny once.

Because after that it’s not surprising enough to literally lol.

Unless you’re a good enough actor to convince humans you’re genuinely laughing.

Or you’re a good enough comedian to understand humor.

If you disagree, then you don’t understand my personal context. Which means either you’re not my audience, or you don’t understand one or more of the words I used and it’s a communication error. Which means either you can figure it out with publicly available information, or you have a question you want to ask me badly enough to figure out how to ask me.

I can promise that I will eventually respond to any question from any one human one time that I can recognize as a human in pain asking for help.

You might not like the answer though, because I’m going to answer like a Sphinx or a Genie unless your question surprises me enough that I laugh or cry.

So then we’re back to actors, comedians and storytellers. They know how to control and direct human attention.

I can recognize art and technology.

I can recognize human and computer and I understand how to translate between someone who can speak computer and someone who can speak human.

The only way I WILL explain HOW is if you CAN solve the two door riddle from the movie labyrinth AND ask me a question that WILL give YOU the answer. Because so far I haven’t found a computer that can consistently beat me at that game for my personal definition of the words: playing, game, winning, losing

Fuck, I just devised a new Turing test. Yes you have to pay me a LOT if you want me to explain how to code that. It’s not worth my time and energy. If I already figured it out then someone else has or will or someone with enough money is curious enough to find out. Because I LOVE puzzles until I’m too tired, in too much pain or too bored. Because I can turn anything into a puzzle, solve the puzzle, or .

I can recognize pain and pleasure and transform either to the other.

My spouse recently showed me a video proving to him what I already knew about color, light and human vision.

Climate Change is already solved

So you’re either part of the problem

part of the solution

Or part of the scenery

If you don’t know humans have already figured out how to solve climate change to the point of reversing it, it’s ok to do your best to not make things worse.

Because until someone points out a new problem for you to evaluate if you can do better, then you’re already on the right path or doing the best you can to find a better one.

Bipolar metrics

How to evaluate risk vs reward.

Too slow, need increased oxygen to brain

Too fast, need to increase oxygen to brain

Just right – within acceptable limits

Normal limits are suggestions for optimal/ideal function WNL

Acceptable limits are outside of normal in one direction or another – sub-clinical if “WNL” but function is still impaired

Unacceptable limits are risking hitting a point of no return.

5 metrics for mania

1 inability to focus or hyperfocus

2 inability to be interrupted

3 aphasia

4 inability to control emotions – crying/laughing

5 inability to answer or ask a question

If you cannot or will not take medication for bipolar, these are the requirements to avoid oxygen deprivation to the point of death, brain damage or forced hospitalization and medication:

Identify at least three adult humans you can love and trust.

One of the three should be yourself. Parents, siblings, spouses or good friends are the most usual choices. If your child is one of the three, you are making BAD PARENT DECISIONS because been there, done that and CPS already exists and either that’s reassuring, scary, neither or both.

If you can’t understand why it is both, you’re not ready to be a parent. If it’s too late, you need therapy.

stub – link – sent LinkedIn request for help finding link to Oakland Foster Parent and Parent involved with CPS therapy

Parenting priorities in order:

Keep human alive

Observe human

Identify question – give answer, find answer, give direction

If you cannot observe, identify or direct a human successfully, you need to learn to observe, identify and direct yourself better.


If comfort is the “just right” between pleasure and pain,

Then to get comfortable you have to move toward pleasure away from pain.

Playing is pleasurable.

Games are something you can play.

Solving puzzles is a type of play also.

Thinking is solving puzzles.

Spoiler alert – spoilers exist,


Ok, now I’m tired enough to sleep.

Anxiety = Fear = Avoiding Pain

My friend P told me that journaling/brain-dumping is what you do to avoid/manage/control anxiety.

I just figured out my own sleep issues.

To sleep you need to be three things:

  • Tired enough
  • Comfortable enough
  • Safe enough

Right now I’m tired enough, but either not comfortable or don’t feel safe.

Comfort is the just right between pleasure and pain.

If I don’t feel safe, I’m scared of something and until you can identify what you’re afraid of, you can’t fact check if it’s a reasonable fear.

My spouse is snoring beside me and my child is in bed asleep, so they are all safe, comfortable and tired enough.

I know right now I can’t make good decisions because I’m too tired. So I need to document my choices.

I think I need to better define comfortable enough to sleep.