This was about 2 years ago almost I think. Some of the ways I think still hold true, I’m just sooooo glad that I found a way to get out of that dark place I was in.

Friend: so any big plans tonight?
Me: no
Me: attempting to make myself eat the strawberries I bought before they go bad, and getting to sleep at a decent hour
Me: not crying
Me: those are my goals for tonight
Friend: hmm, those are some pretty lofty goals, especielly that eating part, who really does that now a days, eating…
Me: yeah, very overrated
Me: I should stop by walgreens on the way home and get more slimfast
Friend: Im going to DC tomorrow, I went there and did all the tourist things about 2 years ago, but just going to hang out cause it is so close
Me: that sounds fun
Friend: yea more importantly hopefully I see some hot women, thats pretty much my only goal in life right now, well to finish school and find a chick
Me: lol
Me: shouldn’t be hard to do that, lots of girls in school and you’re plenty cute
Friend: yea, but the quality of most women at Sac state isnt what I would call, hmm good
Friend: lots of stupid chicks, chicks with kids, scary stuff
Me: you got lots of time too
Friend: yep, almost been a year with no sexual activity though, kinda getting to me
Me: ah, the testosterone issue
Me: poor guy
Me: having standards can really suck sometimes, huh?
Friend: tell me about it, sometimes I wish I didnt,
Friend: but its for the best, in the long run
Me: yeah, that’s what I try to tell myself
Me: sometimes it even works
Me: just not recently
Friend: hmm yea 🙁
Me: like the other day, I found a $20 on the floor behind the register at Trader Joe’s, and I gave it to a cashier, not cause I’m a good person, but just to avoid the guilt I’d feel if I kept it
Me: if I didn’t have my dang morals I could have kept it and used it to help pay bills or whatever
Me: and I didn’t feel good about giving it back, I just was trying to avoid feeling worse
Friend: well you should feel good about giving it back
Friend: it wasnt yours, and you turned it on, that is the right thing to do
Me: *shrug*
Me: I maybe did for about 5 seconds
Friend: well it was the right thing to do, sometimes the right thing doesnt give you the satisfaction as doing the wrong thing in the short term
Friend: hey I could go out and be a huge whore, it would feel good for the short term, but I would be a huge whore
Me: yeah, sometimes it feels like a lose/lose proposition – feel bad in the short term or feel bad in the long term
Me: and I try to go for the short term choice, but it really doesn’t help how I feel now
Friend: boo, never go for the short term
Friend: only do that when your old
Friend: its all about the long term decisions
Me: no, I mean the short term unhappy – as in giving the money back
Me: I know it’s about the long term decisions, and I try to stick to that
Me: I’m mostly successful
Me: but being a good person isn’t turning out to equal being a happy person
Friend: which would you rather be?
Friend: a good person with some happiness
Friend: or a bad person with a lot of happy
Me: bad with a lot of happy, but that isn’t a choice I can make, if I was bad I wouldn’t be happy either
Me: I’m not like those people who are just totally unaware of how bad they are and can just do what they want and enjoy it
Friend: good, cause those people are what we call assholes 😉
Me: I’d rather be a happy asshole than a good person feeling like I do now
Me: god, I even feel bad about making people worry about me, it makes me want to hide things even more
Friend: hiding things is bad
Friend: and if people want to worry about you
Friend: who are you to tell them what to do? 😛
Me: heh, I guess 🙂
Me: but at least I can sort of function when I hide things
Me: not like bills stop coming or I can stop working just cause I’m unhappy
Me: world doesn’t stop just cause I can’t cope
Me: convincing myself that I’m ok is the only way I seem to be able to keep going
Me: can’t admit things to others cause that requires admitting it to myself first – which leads to a lack of functioning
Friend: you can still function when you admit things to yourself
Friend: it is the step to solving the problem that you are afraid to admit
Me: maybe
Me: I don’t know
Friend: have you ever tried?
Me: usually the solution is accepting reality and moving on/dealing with it
Friend: there is dealing with it when it is a problem that can not be solved
Friend: which I have not found one yet
Friend: there are always ways to make the problem either smaller or make it go away completly
Me: basically I’m at the point that to make things better they’ll have to get worse first, and I just don’t know how to survive that as I’m barely hanging in as is
Me: yes moving to Davis will/would help
Me: but renting out my place, finding a place in Davis, and packing everything to move is just beyond me right now
Friend: do you think things will get better at the place you are staying at?
Me: no
Me: I don’t think they’ll agree to let me telecommute or drastically change my hours – I’ve asked, and they don’t want to, basically “looking into it” to keep me “happy”
Me: finding a new job would be as or more stressful than moving
Friend: but you have to ask yourself, is it just the job and commuting that is making you feel that way?
Me: it is a year or two of trying to do to much
Friend: cause your social life seems to be going pretty well, got a guy who is sorta pursuing you, and a couple good friends
Me: on the surface things look great in my life
Me: but basically I’ve been short-changing myself on sleep for a year or so
Me: and I just can’t handle it anymore
Me: I could cut out my social life, but then I’d be lonely/unhappy
Me: I’m one of those people who just CANNOT do 45-50 hour weeks long term, which is basically what I’ve been trying to force myself to do
Me: and it’s finally catching up to me
Me: at least when I was in school I could cut back on work cause I could depend on financial aid and my parents
Friend: yea, you just need more relaxing time after work, you need a boyfriend
Me: maybe if they put my on drugs it will help enough that I can deal with moving or something
Me: but I don’t know when/if that will happen
Me: see, there’s that moral problem again, dating a guy just to cope with life counts as “wrong” in my book
Me: I’m even less likely to date now cause I wouldn’t want to use someone or inflict myself on them
Me: see, overactive morals really suck
Me: basically I can’t win
Me: even had a bad dream about that this morning
Friend: oh yea, but why do people date then? the point of a relationship is to find someone who can help you share the burdons of your problems
Me: yeah, but usually you develop a relationship because you enjoy each other and care about each other, and then yes, you support each other too, but not really something to base a relationship on or a good way to start things off
Me: needs to be some strength in the relationship before it can survive & handle that kind of strain
Friend: would be a good way to test the waters, you know if someone sticks with you during a hard time like that, then your good
Me: yeah, but why would they want to be with an unhappy supremely stressed out person? If they don’t know you when you’ve been happy, they have no way of knowing that things might get better
Me: I wouldn’t want to date someone negative and unhappy that was constantly pulling me down
Me: I’ve been trying to develop healthy friendships with happy
people that don’t bring drama into their lives… and yet I’m not that kind of person yet myself
Friend: thats part of having a friendship
Friend: or any relationship at all
Friend: its full of drama
Me: I can’t agree or deny, this whole friendship thing still confuses the heck out of me
Friend: well I will agree with myself then
Me: I just don’t know what a real friendship should look like, I don’t know that I’ve ever had the kind of friendship I’ve imagined
Me: with actual give and take
Me: always seems to be one or the other
Friend: well they cant always be even with the giving and taking
Friend: usually one is a little higher then the other
Friend: its just the way it is
Me: a little is one thing
Me: but the people who open up and ask me for help/support are no good at doing so in return
Me: and the people I can/do open up to/lean on don’t ever do that in return – well, sometimes I can drag stuff out of them, but that isn’t the same
Me: so then I just start pulling away cause it feels totally unfair/unbalanced
Me: and unhealthy
Friend: you start pulling away because someone helps you too much?
Friend: unless they tell you they want something in return, then they are just trying to help you in the same ways they can
Friend: thats something about being a good friend
Friend: never expect something in return
Me: I don’t know… I just feel weird opening up to people who don’t open up in return
Me: maybe it’s a control thing, feeling like I’m giving them all this power over me, but they’re not reciprocating
Me: and it even gets down to little things like me almost always being the one to initiate contact, etc.
Me: that just doesn’t seem right, I shouldn’t be doing all the giving or all the taking
Friend: yes you shouldnt be doing all of it
Friend: but if most of your friends are guys
Friend: you have to remember we are extremely daft
Friend: if you want us to do something
Friend: your going to have to ask, its if we learn
Me: I guess I just want to be needed in return, I feel like I need my friends and their support and help so much, but they don’t need me at all
Me: so I just start to feel like a burden
Friend: I am sure they need you too, you just dont even realize it
Friend: you just might not be aware that you are giving them something, even just someone to talk with, such like that
Me: I guess, I don’t know
Friend: what I speak is wisdom, ageless wisdom, wisdom without age
Me: *laughing through my tears*
Me: thanks 🙂
Friend: do they allow crying at work? might get fired over that
Me: I’m not sure if you’re helping or not, you keep making me cry
Friend: tell them your eyes are broken
Me: I have my own office 🙂
Me: easy to hide
Friend: you do?
Friend: with a door
Me: just gotta blink a lot so I can see the screen
Friend: ?
Me: yup
Friend: very cool
Friend: big fan of doors
Me: which is just barely propped open
Me: and I can duck behind my 22″ monitor and wipe my face if I gotta if someone comes in
Me: and I can probably blame the red eyes & nose on allergies
Friend: I would go with the broken eyes thing
Friend: works every time
Friend: hmm now to think of other ways to make you cry, I shall take all your tears, so you wont be able to cry later tonight, wohahahaha
Me: for now at least
Me: no guarantees about later (later being anytime after the next 5 minutes or so)
Friend: hmm alright, where were we
Friend: so is that how most of your relationships with the nice guys end, well friendships at least
Friend: you think you are leaning on them too much
Friend: without them needeing anything from you?
Me: no, mostly they just move away and then never or almost never call or write
Me: so unless I make an effort to keep in touch, they just disappear
Me: RM is pretty good about emailing, but he’s in the Army so I pretty much never get to see him
Me: BK moved back to so cal and I only every talk to him when I call to wish him happy birthday basically
Me: DN calls’ once or twice a year – he’s busy with medical school
Me: and I sometimes get to seem him when/if he comes home for Christmas
Me: finally got in touch with CD again after losing touch for 2-3 years, but unless I instant message him we don’t talk – busy with his girlfriend and being in the air force
Me: sometimes I get to see him when he comes back for Christmas
Me: Meow is the only one still here, and he’s busy with other friends a lot
Me: and he was never very good at comforting
Friend: ok, stay away from me the military guys
Friend: they move away too much
Me: advice he can do, but validating and comforting, not so much
Me: EA just moved to so cal for vet school
Me: and doesn’t call, although she sometimes messages me, but mostly I have to call or email or message her if I want to talk to her
Me: LB I don’t trust at all as far as having a deeper/closer relationship
Me: and everyone else is too new
Friend: hmm that is a problem
Friend: should just take a risk with some of the new people see if they are dependable
Friend: if you think they are worthy
Friend: good friends are always something good to have
Friend: I got 3 calls from my friends on my birthday couple days ago, even though they knew I was here, just to say hi, brought a small tear to my eye
Me: oh they are, like you and AP & MM… but again with the, if I don’t call, or email, or message, I pretty much don’t hear from them
Friend: ok so you have had some not so good friends
Friend: dont worry about most of them, if they dont want to talk with you, then they are not worth your time
Me: see, that’s the problem, meeting people? I can do that, meeting someone who enjoys spending time with me enough to fricking call or email or message me? not so much
Me: which doesn’t help with self esteem at all
Me: telling me I can call anytime does crap
Me: calling cause they know I’m having a hard time would really mean something
Me: but it just doesn’t happen
Friend: I sense rage and hostility
Me: I just can’t keep on and keep on asking for help when it isn’t offered, I start feeling like people are just putting up with me to be polite
Me: and I’d rather be friendless than have a bunch of “friends” who aren’t.
Me: maybe, rage against being hurt over and over and over again, and having my hopes repeatedly dashed
Me: rage against the people who treated me so badly growing up that I never learned how to have or be a real friend
Me: and I really thought I was starting to do better, I was meeting nice & interesting people, but I don’t have enough strong friendships yet to deal this
Friend: hmm yea, about the whole helping thing
Friend: this day and age
Friend: some women go crazy if you ask them if they need help
Friend: femni nazis I call them
Friend: so sometimes you have to nudge the guy a little to make him wake up and help
Me: I hate them, they’re screwed things up for the rest of us
Friend: its the way its been, its the way it will always be
Me: used to be men could give compliments and hold doors without being accused of being sexist
Me: or sexually harassing
Me: and yes some of the stuff is good, but we lost a lot of the good in the process of getting rid of the bad
Friend: and all so you could vote
Friend: was it worth it?
Me: naw, things don’t seem to be going any better
Me: and I hate politics
Me: I don’t want to waste all that time trying to figure out what to do or what is best and then voting
Me: I’m terrible, I’d love to be the proverbial barefoot wife kept at home
Me: although pregnancy does scare me
Me: but I do want kids and would love to be a mom
Friend: thats cause you dont have big ol childbaring hips
Friend: should scare you
Me: yeah, basically – the pain and the health problems are really all I worry about
Me: even the pain I could accept, it is more the lasting health issues that can happen that scare me
Me: that and I really do like the idea of adopting and giving a child a loving home they might not otherwise have
Friend: hmm well technology has made that go down a lot
Friend: I find adaption is a great way for people who cant have kids to have one
Me: a lot doesn’t equal completely, and I’m a big scaredy cat, I don’t like risk
Friend: but if you can do it so the kid is yours, ie through the miracle of sex, the better
Me: yeah, the whole creating a person that is part you and part someone you love more than anyone does sound wonderful
Me: but there are a lot of kids out there who need & deserve homes that don’t get them cause people want to adopt babies, not little kids
Me: why should they have a hard life just cause their parents fubar’ed?
Me: I really think I’d like to do both if I found the right person, have one child and adopt 1 or more
Friend: they arent your responsibility
Friend: you need to make yourself happy first
Friend: and your natural kids
Friend: and its not your fault their parents messed up