I found these pages of stuff written out when unpacking some more on Sunday.

On a scrap of paper:

“Motion helps sleep – sleeping in car? Did mom & dad do that?
More trouble with waking easily (mom)
More bad dreams (me)”

The answer to the first question is yes. Also explains why I love hammocks and rocking chairs.

This next one was a big one in a binder after talking to my therapist and just starting to read “The Highly Sensitive Person” probably about…. 2 years ago? A lot of it is really accurate, though there are some caveats now, I’ll put them in {}.

“What I’m looking for

Intelligence (conversation, respect for an equal)
Humor/Fun/Playful
Confidence (good self esteem)
Honesty, Trustworthy & Trusting
Communication
Positive (Happy/Optimistic)
Leader/Planner/Take charge – I can keep myself from being run over, don’t want and indecisive wimp – I might steamroll them
Romantic – willingness to be – it’s ok to get it from a book etc. as long as it happens – flowers, slow dancing, etc.
Very physically affectionate/cuddly (not directly tied to sex – just in general)
Is looking for marriage – understands that friendship is required to make that work & that you don’t have a lot of space {Not sure what I meant about space}
The same work/sleep schedule would be nice, if not must be willing to compromise {for time together and to not interfere with each other’s sleep}
Good Friends – reflects on him & his ability to have relationships
Must already be looking for marriage & family – not “someday” or “maybe” {as in ready to get married after finding the right person}
Must enjoy giving massages & receiving them
Strong is nice – I love being picked up and carried
likes the real me – short hair, little to no makeup
musically inclined – instrument or voice or both
good dancer
must be tolerant of the music I like
believes in self improvement – is ok with & has maybe been to therapy {as in, if we were to get married and ever have serious problems, willing to go to counseling}

Where I’m at –
I like the idea of marriage – 1 guy every day for the rest of my life – #1 best friend & #1 most important thing in my life

I believe friendship must come first or the physical & emotional connection will delay or hide the lack of a mental & spiritual connection.

I’m looking for respect, security, commitment – any man that respects me will be willing to wait & be patient, the right man should agree with the concept that the person you marry should be your best friend and that you need to go slow & develop the friendship.

I’m looking for someone emotionally available, but perhaps due to my empathy I’m {often} most attracted to those that hide/deny/bottle up their negative emotions – they feel happier/safer/calmer to me.

Theory on empathy – I’m a highly sensitive person – referring to the nervous system. Possibly I pick up on vocal, visual, olfactory & electrical cues that other don’t & I often can’t tell if I’m feeling someone else’s emotions. {I’m getting better about telling what is mine and what isn’t, but intense negative emotions from others are still very hard to be around – I know they aren’t mine but I still feel them}

Crowds overwhelm me – too many conflicting signals overwhelms my nervous system

Live performances – energize me, huge difference between live & taped, 1/2 infatuated with performers while the performance is going on – absorbing audience energy & actors projected energy

move too fast & easily confused not so much because I’m trying to please them to my own detriment but because I’m feeling their strong emotions & my weak ones – confusing.
do I want this or do I want it because they do?

Need to find someone who appropriately shares emotion – must share important stuff, but some things – like desire to move faster or farther shouldn’t be used to pressure me.

I want someone who is willing to ask permission for what they want so I can clarify what I’m ready for and what I like and want. I don’t like having to always push away or say stop or don’t.

I think I also want a guy to use as a focus/buffer so that I’m not overwhelmed as easily or as often – maybe the books will help me find a different/better way. {Well, it wasn’t fun, but after a year & a half of being single, I’ve figured out what I can handle when I only have myself as a buffer and what I have to do to take care of myself.}

What I need to make clear – I’m NOT having sex before marriage, I want to move very slowly – six months of friendship first – no jumping in – I fall in love too easily {and therefore get hurt easily} – I am very cuddly – hugs, holding hands, sitting/laying together, massage – but none of that means I’m ready for sexual stuff. Body language conflicts with my words, but I am NOT most girls – so deal with it or leave me alone.”

This was based on a conversation with a friend.

“Why do I need to give so much?

To be liked.

Why do I need to be liked?

Because I don’t like/value myself

What do I value?
Why am I the way I am?

Don’t trust Dr. – don’t want to be judged – judging myself?”

I’ve been working on respecting myself – which involves demanding to be treated with respect as well. And so far it’s seemed that respect & value go hand in hand for me.

More stuff:

“Mom complained about me hanging on her arm – I took that as what I want physically, others don’t want to give or don’t enjoy giving. I used to feel that to get what I want, I had to give/do what I didn’t want to because I was making them do what they didn’t want to.

Sometime during my earlier sexual relations I figured out that doing what I didn’t want to or was uncomfortable doing was not a good idea or something I had to do.

However, I still see someone else doing what I want as something they do for me, not as something they want to do. Also, I’m open about what I like & want, but I don’t like asking for it when I want it or having to mention it repeatedly – if I have to do that I feel like I am forcing the person to do a chore – something they don’t want to do, and then I can’t enjoy it.

I am an adult. I am only responsible for myself. I don’t not do what I don’t want to. – I should be willing to believe that others are the same way. I shouldn’t be so worried about using people {on accident}.

In junior high through junior college I saw women consciously using men for money, gifts, attention, etc. It seemed disgusting and wrong to me – like they were selling themselves.

I also let myself be used during high school because I had extremely low or no self esteem. So I know how bad being used felt.

I am now terrified of accidentally or unconsciously using people. But everyone does this to some extent, there is a natural give & take in relationships, which should be balanced.

I would never consciously use someone, so why am I so worried? Why do I feel so guilty? Because I feel like I am selfish and could easily use someone without meaning to. Also I do not value myself so when what they get in return is me, my attention or affection, I do not feel like there is an equal exchange going on. So I feel guilty. {The respect/value thing has helped this, and also being more open so that there is less risk for hidden agendas.}

I was constantly insulted, used, hurt by my so called friends in elementary school. Even when they made me cry daily, mom never told me they were not my friends. I decided that letting someone know that they had upset or hurt me would make them happy that they had achieved their goals so I learned to repress negative emotions & especially never to cry in front of people.

Anger is a reaction to hurt, so it’s probably ok that my anger turns to hurt almost instantly but I need to learn to acknowledge, accept & express those emotions. {I’ve been practicing letting people know about my emotions good and bad and have had good results which has been encouraging.}

I don’t like yelling or getting angry at people I care about or even seeing others get yelled at because I remember how bad I felt when dad yelled at me. I felt unloved and rejected – which is what he was trying to do – push us away so we wouldn’t find out about the drugs, to protect us from himself and because he felt unworthy.