A friend helped me realize that if I organize my thoughts enough to write them down, it will force me to organize my thoughts.

I decided to help them in a small way that was easy for me to do. It felt selfish though, because I was supporting them so that they could continue to help me.

Then I thought that maybe that’s what a ND/HSP/ASD friendship looks like? Supporting each other in ways that are easy for us but might be hard for them. And being able to be honest and direct with each other. It sucks hearing hard things, and it hurts. And it’s so much easier knowing that the person telling you the hurtful things is doing it because they love you anyway and they are helping you become a better person. We can’t fix the problems we can’t see.

I don’t feel lonely when I’m being honest and direct with people. It feels good and is easy to be pedantic. And it’s totally boring. It’s putting up a wall instead of being vulnerable. Because being vulnerable is terrifying.

Is that because of the trauma of not feeling seen or accepted as a child?

I hate that I have to admit that my “not that bad” childhood was traumatic. I love my parents and I appreciate all they did to make sure my childhood was less traumatic than theirs. It paved the way for me to be dealing with my trauma so that I can try to repair the trauma I’ve already inflicted on my kid, even beyond what I just passed down epigenetically.

I’m a crappy parent and if I don’t keep reminding myself of that, or letting my friends remind me, I won’t get better.

If you say “You’re such a good mom!”

I feel like saying, no, but I’m trying.

I think I need to figure out a better reply. Saying no just invalidates your experience of me. What can I say to help both of us?

I’m trying to be, thank you for listening, it helps me know what to focus on.

When do they say the good mom thing and what do they mean?

Usually after they’ve shared a struggle and I’ve empathized and shared what helped me in a similar situation.

I wonder if by saying I’m a good mom, they’re avoiding saying that they feel like they are guilty of being a bad mom for not figuring it out on their own?

I think that’s how I feel when I realize what inconsiderate thing I’ve done, or what considerate thing I haven’t done.

I keep thinking of Brene Brown’s videos – we’re lonely when we aren’t brave enough to be vulnerable. I wanted to say or if we don’t have a safe space to be vulnerable – but that’s wrong. We create the safe space by being vulnerable. By admitting that we’re not perfect and that we’re going to make mistakes and that once we know better, we’ll do better.

If you are authentic and honest, either people will connect with you – or it will terrify them and in their terror they might attack you (fight), disengage (flight). You can have compassion for them, and still know that it’s their problem and you don’t have to tolerate their behavior.

She also talks about the difference between guilt and shame. We feel guilty when we know our actions were wrong. We feel ashamed when we think our selves are wrong.

Seeing other people who we can see ourselves in helps us know that we aren’t wrong.

I’m trying to slow down and be more present and intentional instead of reactive.

And now I need to listen to my body and sleep even though I want to keep writing and thinking.