5 times

Why 5 times? Our brains weighs information that triggers a stress response more heavily than other information. I don’t know about others, but I got my idea of 5 from the Gottman research.


Daily recap

Hmm, do I work forwards or backwards?

Started the day with getting help with the yard and getting stuff hauled away.

Two concerns to look into from conversation – growing food in dirt that is sitting on concrete – leaching toxins? Walking on tree trunks/stumps hazard potential and mitigation. Found a tiger salamander that looked really pale, I’m hoping it was ok and just got uncovered while hibernating. I moved it to the swamp plant container and watered the whole thing.

Setting up drip to that with a timer is a priority to me for amphibious habitat – also placing something for access in and out.

I’d like to take some photos so that I have progress or before photos for some of the changes. Also, to have some to sketch ideas on.

Then some time connecting with family. Hmm, I know I had some good conversation, now I’m wishing I had recapped right after. I know I mentioned that the transition checklist I made looks pretty much like I accidentally reinvented the Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP). And I can’t recall what else so time to move on.

I actually made time to transition nicely before a livestream I was going to attend started. And instead of talking too much in chat I had a blog post open and took notes. I was able to slow down and be more judicious with what I shared and I think it worked out – I was able to share ideas, information or validation with at least 3 or 4 people, possibly more. So reaching 4 people over two hours feels pretty good considering the ripple effect.

Afterwards I tested out doing a lot of driving with the new vehicle. I figured out that isometrics worked as well or better than jumping jacks or trying to dance in the car.

Got a lovely greeting and had tasty dinner (lemon rice!) and watched some illumination shorts. The self care and mei……can’t keep my eyes open

also wanted to recall ideas from just sitting there while the cat eats

Labels – liberating or liability

Disorder vs differently ordered, social model of disability

Rober robot, land mine remote controlled

Profit vs purpose – should people get paid for pursuing their purpose? Short answer, I think yes

Is using the term neurodivergent abelist? Paralellogram vs rectangle vs square (see labels)

Is Autism just signs of trauma?

I took half my anti anxiety meds to see if doing a brain dump was effective enough. Time to zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Brain board Nov Notes

Clifton StrengthsFinder – because we probably already know our weaknesses (I changed “flaws” to “weakness” because it isn’t a flaw, just a difference), and this can help us focus on our strengths.

Project intake form

How to find your strengths – know what other people struggle with that seems easy to you. Things that annoy you that other people do/don’t do might also be strengths that you don’t recognize in yourself, so instead you’re judging them based on your self expectations.

Be aware of the purpose of a process, if it loses connection to its purpose, it might stop serving a purpose. – This is a larger topic, think religion and the things learned, taught, delegation of tasks/knowledge maintenance – things science is figuring out that were known and practiced already.

Who discussed, what was decided and why? Decision log

Books: 5 dysfunctions, I don’t have wings, why can’t I fly? you can heal your life by Louise Hay, The dictionary of obscure sorrows

Decision trees, flow chart for visual of decision making – sharing thought process

ACT, Radical Acceptance – becoming aware of what the current reality is so you can move from a place of strength/knowledge

some might call it accepting your limitations

Why not say instead “accept your current limitations”

accept your current challenges/struggles

understand your current struggles

understand your current strengths and struggles

post partum anxiety

anxiety management – reassurance harms, asking ?s and support or encouragement helps

what are you anxious about? why?

cope ahead

avoidance increases anxiety – face your fears

notice the worry, don’t (try to) eliminate (ignore) the worry (ACT)

Focus your attention with intention

sign up for special events opt in role

learn to feel your feelings, emotional granularity linked to better emotional control/regulation

themes of community and support

you have anxiety

no, I’m just stressed

yes, that’s anxiety

Burnout is emotional exhaustion

name it to tame it – naming your emotions – acknowledging them is how you control them

maladaptive means the skill or tool was useful, but isn’t anymore

codependency – people try to fix the other person’s emotions because they are lacking the coping skills to just sit with them

moving from surviving to thriving

Year end review? No – month end review, rate days – or weekly reviews compiled monthly, yearly plan

Start the way you intend to continue

I choose to live intentionally. My intention is to care.

If I am not caring for myself, then I cannot care for anyone else, because we are all connected and part of a whole.

I am the hare learning to be the tortoise.

  • Step 1. Wake up at a regular time
    • use music and light that both gradually increase. 7am seems to be my sweet spot.
      • Task: set up Google routine for smart speaker and lights
      • Find a song about self care or being intentional to start the playlist: https://music.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLC69TIik3wTHPF8CQ9Q8HNvTIwdirGBDd&feature=share
  • Step 2. Take medication
    • It needs to be in a portable pill container next to my bed
    • I need a protein shake to drink it with to avoid a MCAS reaction
  • Step 3. Pain check – then treat the pain
  • Step 4. Dental care
  • Step 5. Fresh air for 10 minutes if not done yet in Step 3
  • Step 6. Set intention for the day
  • Step 7. Kitty care
    • set up playlist
  • Step 8. Find the frog
  • Step 9. Kiss the frog first
  • Step 10. Reward yourself for kissing the frog
  • Step 11. Do a transition check

Mast Cell Activation Syndrome


To do: look into Cromoloyn(?) and beta blockers

For me a MCAS reaction often feels like food poisoning that comes on really hard and fast but only lasts about an hour or two instead of a day.

I found that the supplements I was taking that helped with other conditions were triggering the MCAS reaction when they hit my stomach if there wasn’t enough food with them. Getting the amount and timing was too challenging until I found the Orgain Protein Shakes (ThriveMarket has good prices on them).

I also call the MCAS reaction a histamine dump – the mast cells dump too much histamine into the system at once and can cause any symptoms that allergies can – which are immune system processes overreacting.

The “simple but not easy” (is there a word for that?? I want a word for that, I don’t care what language – to do, search) answer is to reduce the toxic load my body is coping with and increase the nutrients I’m getting.

Cutting all sugar and processed foods would be a major step in that direction.

Self – You’re the problem

While I can’t dismiss that there are more influences than just me, I’m finding again and again that whatever maladaptive thing the kiddo is doing, if I slow down and ask where it came from? It me. /facepalm

Tries to solve perceived problems without help? Yup

Ignores or hides pain instead of sharing and asking for help? Yup

Assume the worst or focus on what is missing instead of what is there? Yeah. I’ve been aware of and working on this, and I realize now I still have a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong way to go.

Ignore other people’s boundaries if they aren’t clear and direct? Ugh, yup! They should still be clear and direct. And I could tell people that I need them to be clear and direct so I don’t miss what they are trying to communicate.

Not express my boundaries clearly, kindly and firmly? Definitely me.

Struggles to do things that are boring or anxiety inducting? Oh heck yeah that’s me.

And now I think my meds have worn off cause I’m ready to keel over and sleep. On the plus side, the ice pack and stretches have helped my head pain.


I woke up at 5 in a lot of pain. I realized that to learn to be vulnerable I needed to learn to stop masking my physical pain.

I started writing out my pain stories. I started to get sleepy which usually happens when I’m REALLY trying to avoid something. My rib was really painful though and heat wasn’t helping. I was able to play some YouTube videos that gave me some instant pain relief.

Next step, how do I make sure I actually do exercises regularly?

I need to work dance/song into it. Probably sing the instructions while doing the exercises to turn them into dance moves. Also get out the foam roller.

And I need to set up a music playlist to move me through the day.

I can do the wall arm one while I supervise my geriatric cat eating. And the shoulder squeeze I can do anytime and helps with the pain right away.


I know dozens of masked Autistic people who adopted a “teacher’s pet” or “best little boy in the world” personality from a young age, and who are still paying the price of having done so to this day. You can’t have a balanced or healthy relationship with someone else if your primary motivation is convincing them at all times that you’re worthy and good.

How Society Forces Autistics to Become Inhibited & Passive | by Devon Price | Medium

I was generally the teacher’s pet and helping people feels good because then I get appreciation/positive attention. When someone asks me to have self-compassion or acknowledges me for a skill or ability instead of an action, I often want to cry.

What am I avoiding?

I had a great conversation with a friend who was able to help me see what I’ve been avoiding.

Why it’s hard to write is because what I need to write is the stuff I’ve been ignoring or avoiding for so long. I have to stop and look at it instead of trying to outrun it.

I’m writing at this moment because what I should be doing is watching a video on how to get my ribs back in place. To be able to focus on that I need to be able to tolerate the pain and believe that it is worthwhile to take care of myself. That I should learn to prevent the pain instead of how to deal with it.

What I usually do instead is try to disassociate by absorbing knowledge or solving problems (puzzles).

I generally don’t share what my pain levels are on a day-to-day basis.

I’m trying to remember my earliest memory of pain. I remember the day I came in with a skinned knee. My kneecap solid red from blood. I can’t recall if it was dripping down my leg or just looked terrible because I had somehow scraped off all but the very thinnest layer. I don’t recall the pain either, but I do recall not feeling any until my mom reacted and then I freaked out crying.

In preschool and kindergarten I had long hair and my “friend” would sit behind me and braid my hair. She pulled so hard that it hurt, but it also felt so good that I was afraid to say anything in case she decided to stop braiding my hair because my complaints were so annoying.

I’m not sure if she was the same friend who died from cancer(?). All I remember about that was wanting to go to the funeral and being told that I couldn’t. My parents have told me they were trying to protect me. Instead, it taught me that what I wanted didn’t matter and I missed an opportunity to learn to handle grief with something other than avoidance.

I remember that we went to daycare and our caretaker would stick us out in the backyard to play. The trains went right by her back fence and they were SO LOUD and the ground and fence would shake so I’d cover my ears and crouch down into a ball until it passed. I know I didn’t like her, but other than that and her saying my hair was too short and my brother’s was too long, I can’t remember why.

I know elementary school is when I fell off the play structure and if I’d been any shorter probably would have broken my neck. I was climbing the ladder, slipped and landed standing on my feet with my chin on the platform the ladder was attached to. I bit my tongue painfully and barely noticed the pain in my knees and ankles from the landing.

In first grade I remember standing by my teacher and she told me to stop sighing. I remember saying I wasn’t sighing, I was just breathing. I think I was mouth breathing at that moment, but I realize now that I wasn’t getting enough oxygen to my brain, so I kept taking deep breathes every once in a while. So I got the message that even my breathing was wrong and annoyed people. Even the people who “liked” me. I was definitely teacher’s pet, so that really hurt emotionally. She didn’t ask me what was wrong or why I was sighing, just told me to stop.

Writing that, my rib has been hurting this whole time even with the heat pad. And then my elbow started hurting too.

I had a best friend in first grade and we would play house. A third kid who everyone found annoying would ask to play too and we usually said yes, but he had to be the baby while me and my friend would be mama and papa and play house. I think we just bossed him around or tried to find ways he could play . I remember that we kissed once because that’s what the older kids did when they had “boyfriend” – and I never saw him again after first grade because his mom sent him to an all boys school because his assigned 2nd grade the following year was known to dislike boys. All the girls had gone to kindergarten together and already knew each other, so it felt especially difficult to join their social groups.

I think second grade was the year I didn’t really try and would do homework but not turn it in or just not do it. I think I couldn’t keep up with the organization needed that wasn’t necessary in first grade. I remember the teacher liked me but was worried about me and I was getting bad grades. I don’t recall how that resolved.