Author Archives

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Eye Contact and Listening

Things folks could learn to say:

I feel _________ when you don’t make eye contact when ________________ (I’m talking to you/you’re talking to me).

Uncomfortable, disrespected, ignored, irritated, insulted, angry, annoyed

Examples:

I feel ignored when you don’t make eye contact when I’m talking to you. Can you face toward me, and if not, is there another way you can let me know you are listening?

Responses:

I can orient my body toward you without eye contact.
I’m listening when I’m looking at this fidget.
I’m listening when <insert visual or auditory cue that you are listening>

I feel disrespected when you don’t make eye contact when I’m talking to you. Can you face toward me, and if not, is there another way you can let me know you are respecting my need for your attention?

Responses:

I can orient my body toward you without eye contact.
I’m paying attention when I’m looking at this fidget <or other visual or auditory cue>
I understand that you feel disrespected, and I would like you to respect my need to avoid eye contact. How can we compromise?

I feel uncomfortable when you don’t make eye contact when I’m talking to you. Can you look at me when I’m talking?

Responses:

I can orient my body toward you without eye contact.
I understand that you feel uncomfortable , and I feel uncomfortable with eye contact. How can we compromise?

I feel irritated/insulted/angry/annoyed when you don’t make eye contact when I’m talking to you. Can you look at me when I’m talking?

Responses:

I can orient my body toward you without eye contact.
I struggle with eye contact and it would be a kindness if you can be flexible with me.
I understand that lack of eye contact is viewed negatively in our culture. I’m trying to advocate for diversity by expressing my need to avoid eye contact in order to focus and listen.
I’m sorry, I understand that currently lack of eye contact is considered rude in our culture. I’m Autistic and eye contact is challenging for me. By being open with you, I’m hoping that we can be part of the change that helps our society become more open and tolerant of differences such as neurodiversity.
I understand the struggle when our communication needs aren’t met. Will you meet my communication needs?

Being on the same level is more important than eye contact (think sitting side by side facing the same way instead of towards each other, or those conversations that happen in vehicles) – come down to their level or bring them up to yours.

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Brain Scans: Autism, ADHD & OCD… or just HSP?

This is what really helped me feel confident in my hypothesis (bold is mine):

What Brain Scans Tell Us About Autism Spectrum Disorder

Anagnostou and her colleagues had set out to use neuroimaging to identify brain differences unique to ASD, as compared to other neurodevelopmental differences like ADHD, OCD, and intellectual disability. And they did find that brain differences clustered into different groups—but not by diagnosis. In fact, brain scans could not distinguish children who had been diagnosed with ASD from those who had been diagnosed with ADHD or OCD.

“Dr. Anagnostou reported data from multiple papers that looked at over 3,500 children,” Dr. Alycia Halladay, Chief Science Officer at the Autism Science Foundation, explained to me. “These studies looked at multiple structural and functional features of the brain—including cortical gyrification (the way the brain folds in the cortex), connectivity of different brain regions, and the thickness of the cortical area—and found no differences based on diagnosis.”

New Research May Change How We Think About the Autism Spectrum | Psychology Today
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Want to help others? Fix yourself first.

“To get a good partner, be a good partner,” he added. You’ll be a good partner if you set aside your ego, acknowledge that others have talents you’d like to emulate, and stay open to new experiences.”

https://www.inc.com/carmine-gallo/in-12-words-warren-buffett-just-gave-best-life-advice-but-it-takes-courage-to-follow.html#:~:text=To%20get%20a%20good%20partner%2C%20be%20a%20good%20partner%2C%22%20he%20added.%20You%27ll%20be%20a%20good%20partner%20if%20you%20set%20aside%20your%20ego%2C%20acknowledge%20that%20others%20have%20talents%20you%27d%20like%20to%20emulate%2C%20and%20stay%20open%20to%20new%20experiences.
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Identifying Autism

Recognizing something is the first step towards understanding & acceptance.

In infants:

  • Doesn’t play the drop game (drop something – often a utensil at meal time – a hundred times for you to pick up one hundred and one times)
  • Doesn’t throw their food (I thought we were so lucky to not have to deal with those stages…. oops!)
  • Doesn’t crawl which is needed for cross body organization (look into ATNR reflex) – rolls, scoots or skips to walking or climbing (ours was climbing before they could walk!)
  • Doesn’t point (see below)
  • prefers tummy time – again thought we were lucky, more likely avoiding eye contact
  • gets overstimulated and calms down when put down (often with either a swing for vestibular input and/or mobile for visual stimulation)
  • I want to do some reading on distractibility while breastfeeding norms

In toddlers:

  • Knows their name… but doesn’t turn to look or otherwise respond or acknowledge when you call it (this video reminded me of this one and why I missed it, other ways it gets described can make it sound like they don’t know their name, it’s more that they don’t know to respond to it https://youtube.com/shorts/YO1C9jG7lFY)
  • Doesn’t point to direct your attention (and if you aren’t looking at them to see them pointing…. you might want to get evaluated), and/or doesn’t look at you when you say things like “look at that!” or “it’s over there” to see where you are looking/pointing – if the person is verbal they might even ask “at what?” or “where?” without looking since you didn’t give any verbal location information
  • instead of running around with other kids, they are arranging/lining up/sorting things
  • they can get very upset about cleanup – taking photos can help (forgetting something can feel like it then never happened, photos help release the anxiety that if things are put away, it will be like it never existed)
  • sensory differences – they hate getting wet or messy or they are sensory seeking (spinning/merry-go-round, water obsessed, etc.), won’t wear certain clothes or only wears certain clothes, specific sounds/smells/tastes/textures are upsetting (others can be soothing)
  • Difficulties with transitions – doesn’t want to get in the bath, then wants to stay in for hours and not get out

In females:

  • “Shy” – can be any combination of social anxiety, lack of interest in peers, introversion, overwhelm, sensory issues
  • collects things (shoes, purses, dolls, books, can be anything – I used to say I collected collections because I had so many different ones)
  • hyperlexic (teaches themselves to read before 5 or 6, obsessive reading) And Next Comes L – Hyperlexia Resources
  • extremely considerate (anxiety, worry around what others think/feel – it doesn’t come naturally so extra effort gets put into it)
  • can’t stop talking (this link is so-so, I’ll look for better….eventually: ADHD in Girls: Symptoms, Early Signs, and Complications (healthline.com))
  • has ADHD – see above for how that looks different in females
  • has more male friends, or closest friends are male, is a “tomboy” (NT female social conventions and skills are way too hard, males tend to make more sense to ASD females)
  • has an immediate family member with ASD
  • extreme fatigue during puberty – masking gets WAY harder and takes more energy
  • have to self diagnose because of how much they mask
  • are “ok” until a life change puts too much strain on their ability to cope/mask (many females getting diagnosed after their kid(s) are or other major life changes lead to burnout and the inability to mask anymore)
  • seem “fine” to all their friends but secretly struggle with anxiety and/or depression
  • I loved certain counter-culture clothing styles, but didn’t feel comfortable wearing them myself, I just realized this week that it was because I was masking an thus couldn’t allow myself to be so obviously different
  • friends are mostly older and/or younger, not the same age
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ADHD Finance Tricks – Online Banking Or App Banking

Either don’t allow bills to be pulled from a checking account – send the payments out from the account so you can see all the pending activity OR

Only allow bills to pull out of one separate checking account – then transfer the money for that bill to that account – that money is spent and not available

If you have a regular credit card you use, figure out what your required or usual minimum payment is and schedule that to be sent from your bill pay automatically (recurring) so worst case you’re charged interest instead of late fees + rate hike + interest + getting your credit score dinged. Then if you remember you can just edit the amount up to either the last statement balance (to avoid interest fees) or the full current balance. To help remember, set a recurring alarm, reminder or calendar item at least 3-5 days before your statement date (which should always be the same date).

The other option is to set the card to autopay from a separate account, and anytime you spend money on the card, transfer that amount to the separate account.

Use an ADHD friendly credit union (non-profit) or bank that have free accounts with no minimum balance and allow multiple accounts, cards or buckets (envelope method) to help you sort/track and have bill pay.

Also check that on debit accounts they don’t have “courtesy overdraft” – or ask them to turn it off – otherwise when you use your debit card, it won’t be declined if the account is empty. Much better to step out of line after getting declined and to take a moment to check your account while they ring up the next person than to spend the money you don’t have and end up with various overdraft fees.

Shopping scripts for those who want them:
“I’ll have to get this another day, it can all go back, thanks.”
or
“Please ring up the next person while I double check my account, thanks!”
– Step aside and check your account online then one of these three:

  • “I’ll have to get this another day, it can all go back, thanks.”
  • move money if you have it set aside then ring up
    “All set, let’s try again, thanks.”
  • if you have only part of the money you need, tell them which items are go backs*
    “<X> and <Y> are go backs and we can try again with the rest thanks.” or “I’ll just get <C> and <D> today, thanks.”

*”Go backs” are a standard part of retail – folks change their minds or notice something is not the right type or their kid grabbed it without them noticing – it’s much easier for the workers and less costly for the business to collect go backs at the register to put away than to have to find them left randomly on shelves and in the case of freezer or refrigerator items they might have to trash the item if they’ve been left out an unknown amount of time.

Go backs are a kindness and a form of conservation/sustainability/eco-friendliness.

Thanks instead of sorry – express appreciation for others instead of deprecating yourself:

It’s ok if the usual ways don’t work, Try Different (The Fish Song – A Song For ADHD Brains – YouTube).

If budgeting the usual way makes you feel like your brain is melting, try building one based on where you live and household size:

Places to start your search if you need to change banks:

  • Credit Unions (ex. Safe Credit Union, Redwood Credit Union, whatever union you’re eligible for that offers free accounts)
  • Banks (Ally Bank – buckets, USAA if you’re eligible, Best Free Checking Accounts – Bankrate)
  • Other options: Famzoo or other refillable prepaid cards as the updated version of envelope tracking

None of these are paid links, just trying to share info that has helped me.