Here’s one from the School of Life relationship playlist I especially like:
Quite a few of the School of Life videos reference ideas that come from the Gottman research. While I tried to apply the Gottman research to my relationships, I now realize that my unaddressed cPTSD/attachment trauma was getting in the way.
While many researchers and therapists have adapted the wheel for their own uses, the original version of the feeling wheel (with its six core feelings) was created by Dr. Gloria Willcox in 1982.
According to many sources, Plutchik’s wheel of emotions was first proposed in 1980. The two models are similar, with the main difference being the number of core emotions in the center. Strictly speaking, Willcox’s model is the feeling wheel and Plutchik’s model is the emotion wheel.
I’m don’t believe you can actually separate the mind and the body (if the mind is in the brain and the brain is part of the body) but it’s a useful concept for trying to understand them.
The harder part is figuring out if the therapist is actually helping you.
I only recently learned that they should be giving you homework – like something to practice or a question to think about.
You should feel safe and comfortable with them. If you don’t feel that way with any person, then you might consider finding someone you’re willing to explore and address that with despite how you initially feel. You could also try a group setting where you can listen and learn or watch videos or read books to get started on healing.
Even there you should get actionable items to work on. For example, all the various 12 step groups have you work the steps of the program. This video mentions starting with breathwork which there a lots of different videos you can look through to find one that works for you. I try to do box breathing daily, especially while driving or other tasks like that. Books like Parenting From the Inside Out by Dan Siegel also give end of chapter activities to try.
If you’re just paying someone to listen to you vent, they aren’t doing a good job. They should listen to you vent sure, but then they should be asking good questions. How or why did you end up in that situation? What do you wish you had done and what stopped you? What do you want to do in future situations like that, and what do you need to be able to do that?
I once had a therapist cancel me as a client because “It seemed I had nothing to work on and was just venting which I should do with friends.” – I went along with it, but many years later I realized that the therapist didn’t ask if I HAD friends I felt I could talk about this stuff with or WHY I wasn’t talking about it with my friends. I knew I needed help, I just didn’t know what I needed and didn’t realize that my therapist wasn’t skilled at figuring it out either.
Another therapist I fired after realizing I was only ever venting about one topic again but not being given any actionable feedback on how to change my own behavior to affect that relationship and the venting was just bringing me down.
One I had to stop seeing because driving there after work ended up being so tiring I couldn’t think or talk about anything else by the time I got there. Thank goodness for all the remote options we have now!
My initial thought was that there were mainly two types of conversation. One where the person just wants to be heard and the other where there is a further purpose, like problem solving or asking for help. I think most of these ones listed below fall into the second category where there is a purpose beyond needing to express yourself and be heard.
Information: to obtain, surface, or convey information or understanding of facts (know-what), processes (know-how), or contacts (know-who). To learn from each other.
Sense-making:to make sense of something (beyond just obtaining facts), especially a complex issue.
Perspectives or viewpoints: to obtain different points of view or gain consensus
Change: to challenge and shift someone’s viewpoint or intentions (mine or others’)
Ideas: to generate ideas, surface and imagine possibilities
Collaboration:to enable the effective production of some shared work-product
Deepening or creation of relationships: to connect with other people, to build relationships
Entertainment or fun: to have fun, banter, gossip, flirt
Recognition, attention, or reputation: to obtain it or offer it
Appreciation, empathy, or reassurance: to get it or offer it
Decision making:to make decisions
Problem-solving: to solve problems or figure out how best to respond to them
Reveal problems: to reveal hidden issues or unintended consequences of our actions
Search for opportunities: to search for opportunities.
I don’t know, haven’t had my caffeine/coffee/tea/etc. yet.
Too tired to talk.
Still asleep.
I’m not all here yet.
I’m sleepwalking.
Do you want the standard answer or the real answer?
Do you really want to know?
Imagine I used the socially acceptable response of your choice.
Still on this side of the dirt.
Vertical and ventilating.
Alive and breathing.
Still surviving.
You don’t want to know.
Hanging in.
Hanging on.
Dressed and vertical.
Upright and taking in nutrition.
Up and not crying.
Followed by:
How are you?
And you?
Hope you’re doing well?
Thanks for asking.
I need to go.
Please excuse me.
Nice to see you, I must be off.
The classic exchange goes along the lines of:
Person A: How are you?
Person B: I’m good thanks, how are you?
Person A: I’m good too thanks.
Then either move into more conversation or move along.
Person A or B: Since you’re here, I’ve been meaning to talk about…
Person A or B: It was nice to see you, I have to get going.
The initial exchange gives both parties a chance to feel out the other person to see if they are in a good place physically/mentally to talk or a way to signal that the relationship is valued even though they are not able to talk/connect at the time.
If we were computers it would be the handshake protocol before transferring data packets.
The purpose of asking “how are you” is context based.
Public/community/work/school
confirms/reinforces social constructs
allows signaling of status (regulated/dysregulated) prior to further interaction
therapist/doctor
request for information
friends/family
can be either depending on the situation – one on one vs. group interactions, close groups vs casual groups
confirms/reinforces social constructs
allows signaling of status (regulated/dysregulated) prior to interaction
Ways that human society have changed that have removed the nature supports for people who are time blind:
Developing electricity so that we’re no longer bound by the sun or lighting methods that visibly mark time by the consumption of fuel – like fires, candles and oil lamps.
The development of suburbs so that not everyone lives within hearing distance of the bells on a clock tower to mark the hour both day and night.
The development of digital and silent analog clocks so there is no longer an auditory cue of time passing.
It’s only in very recent human history that we’ve removed the supports that someone with time blindness used to be able to rely on. I’m not surprised that we’ve only recently figured out that some people are time blind. Honestly, I’m surprised that it isn’t the majority of people, but it’s likely tied into our circadian rhythms and we didn’t “invent” time, but rather invented a way to track and coordinate it.
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