Category Archives: health

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Memory Modalities

I’ve been figuring out some things about SDAM (Severely Deficient Autobiographical Memory) and some stuff about the threshold effect.

A trick I’ve started using for the threshold effect is saying out loud the thing I’m going to do/get as I cross the threshold. So not only am I thinking it, I’m also embodying it by saying it out loud and then I’m hearing it – usually in the new context.

I think that’s all the threshold effect really is, it’s a context switch. In the bathroom you remember bathroom related things, you step out and your brain no longer has that context trigger and loses access to those thoughts.

I doubt I’m the only one who has gone back and forth multiple times forgetting, going back, remembering, rinse, repeat, and again.

The other new term I’ve come across is glimmers – which is being used for when the memories being triggered are pleasurable instead of painful.

My couples therapist asked something along the lines of how do I feel loved or remember feeling loved. With the SDAM I can’t recall/remember/re-experience the feeling but I can recall/know/have the knowledge that I’ve experienced it.

I thought about it more and realized that the only time I can remember what getting married felt like was at someone else’s wedding. I would feel suffused with love and cry at every wedding.

So I can only remember in context.

I can’t imagine going to the beach or some happy place like many people do – I have to actually go and let the experience wash over me.

Often I have to force myself to go do things, but then once I do and I’m there, I’m so glad that I did. Because I can’t remember how good it felt in the past until I’m there doing it again.

I’m realizing I would use books and movies to control the context I was experiencing growing up. When I needed to cry I would re-watch Somersby. I couldn’t just let myself grieve, I had to trigger that release.

I’m working on rewiring some associations like the shower is for crying (I play a gratitude playlist now), the car and kitchen are for arguing. Changing cars might have already helped with that. Kitchen is trickier, mostly I just still avoid it.

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Parenting

See other parenting related posts.

Some more recent realizations and resources I’ve found:

I’m sure everyone hears the advice about sleeping when the baby sleeps, and that absolutely won’t be possible for everyone. The part no one mentions is that if you can’t sleep because you can’t fall asleep – ask your doctor about post partum anxiety.

If you can’t sleep because things need to get done – if at all possible ask for or accept more help – let someone do the dishes while you nap with the baby. Let the laundry pile up more than you like. Eat using compostable plates and utensils. Whatever you have to do to survive.

The terrible sleep deprivation does eventually get better.

Does parenting get easier? Not really. Mostly it just keeps changing. But specific things often get better but then get replaced with something else.

When the baby is eating (nursing/bottle) – look at them and talk to them about it. Explain that they’re hungry and eating is what you do to fuel your body. Tell them how much you love them and how amazing they are.

You’re teaching them to understand and respect their body cues. That mealtime is a great time to converse and connect. That eye contact helps you connect. That they are interesting and worth your attention.

Speaking as an autistic mom with an autistic kid, these are skills neither of us learned and while we have ways of compensating and coping, our lives would be easier if we could consistently notice when we’re hungry.

I think I mostly read and texted while nursing until the kid wouldn’t nurse during the day anymore because everything else was more interesting.

I don’t think we played much patty-cake (more eye contact, connection, cross body coordination and motor skills) or peekaboo (teaching them to tolerate/enjoy surprise, patience, trust that people come back) either.

Narrate everything you do including the why.

Elimination communication is worth the effort to be done with diapers asap. Even if you only do it part time.

Sign language is also worth the effort to avoid the screaming frustration of knowing what they want but not being able to say it. Just learn one a day or a week, just search for a new word to learn. It’s amazing the difference it can make knowing a few signs like: milk, more, done, potty/toilet, home, go. Especially things that you might not run through at first (basics like food/water/potty/sleep) such as play, book, ball, colors, want, hurts.

Everything else, just keep trying things until you find what works for you, your child and your family. Keep reaching out and asking for help and support. You and they are worth it.

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Only the good die young

I wonder how old that saying is?

How long have we known what science only recently figured out?

Here’s how it works: stress hormones suppress the immune system.

The immune system doesn’t just fight off disease. It also cleans up dead, dying, misbehaving and malfunctioning cells.

That means a properly functioning immune system prevents cancer and autoimmune diseases.

There are three ways of dealing with stress.

  • The healthy way.
  • Explode outward.
  • Turn it inward.

The third one results in people pleasers who are too nice for their own good – literally.

The first two both release stress. The third lives with chronic low levels of stress suppressing their immune system.

In Gabor Mate’s book The Myth of Normal it talks about nurses accurately predicting ALS diagnosis based on how nice the person was.

Folks with autoimmune issues talk about “flares” when symptoms flare up after over exertion. The interesting thing is that it happens after – the increased stress during over exertion temporarily suppresses symptoms. When the stress and accompanying hormones decrease and the immune system ramps back up, either ignored issues get addressed or symptoms that were there before but you had acclimated to have to be readjusted to.

So either problems piled up and your immune system has to pull out the big guns or the temporary relief from symptoms reminds you how bad things actually always are and a “flare” is just how long it takes you to readjust/dissociate again.

I like to use the metaphor of shoes sometimes. You put them on in the morning and they fit fine. You walk and stand all day. Maybe they’re a little tired. You finally take off your shoes and it’s such a relief! If you have to put them back on for some reason, now they’re too tight and it really hurts. The thing is, they were too tight and painful before you took them off, you just didn’t notice because you slowly adjusted to it. Even if your feet suddenly swelled – that’s your immune system kicking in and trying to repair things.

I’ve been told that you can actually lose about 70% function in some cases before you start feeling pain.

Human bodies are amazingly resilient and redundant.

Books

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Body Autonomy vs. Vaccinations

If your kid has a hard time with getting a shot, how do you square that with teaching them body autonomy?

What we’ve done is focused on your autonomy ends where another body begins.

If you need to spin around with your arms out – that’s fine. But you have to do it where you have space to not whack into someone else, because then you’re not respecting their body.

Vaccines might be trickier to understand for kids. But your right to go out in public and spread germs and avoid a shot ends where infants, old people, immuno-compromised and allergic folks are risking death because you couldn’t tolerate getting a shot.

It’s totally fine to cry and say you hate getting shots. It’s fine to ask for help with your anxiety. It’s not fine to just avoid it.

Here’s some of the things we’ve tried:

As an infant, nursing during or immediately after to soothe.

Spreading out the shots so there were no more than 2 per appointment even if that meant going back in two weeks for an extra appointment.

Having the kid sit on a lap and get squeezy hugs.

Using a blindfold or hat pulled down over the eyes so they couldn’t see.

Breathing practice.

Reading books about it or social stories.

Playing pretend of it (practicing what will happen & what we’ll do). You can try to get really accurate using a cold wet wipe on the arm and something to gently poke with like a pen or knitting needle.

Getting our own shot beforehand so they could see what happens.

Listening to music.

Using Buzzy Bee

Wearing a tank top so they don’t have to feel their sleeve being pulled up.

Having the nurse/doctor show them the needle (what you imagine is often scarier than reality). “Oh, that’s really small.”

Bringing our own preferred bandages.

Treats afterwards to celebrate their bravery and good dead.

Agreeing to pamper them for a couple days after while their arm is sore.

Talk about how they’re literally being a hero and saving lives.

Listening and validation their feelings about getting shots. (It’s scary, it hurts, I’m mad that I have to do it, I’m frustrated & disappointed they haven’t made nasal sprays for everything already. It’s annoying that it keeps hurting.)

Getting anxiety treatment/therapy.

Brushing protocol with an occupatinal therapist to help reduce sensory sensitivity.

This was what we tried and I’m sure there are other strategies out there as well. Just continuing to try to improve the experience and listening to your kid is a good way to reinforce that you’re trying to respect their body as much as possible – without risking other people’s lives.

We also talked about how in extremes, not respecting other people’s autonomy will result in losing ours. For example, adults who commit assault go to jail and lose their autonomy & freedom.

Even if getting a shot is super painful and we get miserably sick for a week every time – those are still temporary. Death is not. And while most often you don’t know who you’ve killed with your germs and you can live in ignorant bliss, sometimes you do – a baby cousin, a beloved grandparent. And you can’t undo what you did, you would just have to live with the regret.

A really informative video about vaccines and the (lack of) risk.

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The Hidden Epidemic

It’s estimated that childhood sexual abuse (CSA) affects 1 in 5 children ages 0-17.

Which means 1 in 5 adults is a survivor of CSA.

CSA is traumatic even if you don’t remember it.

And anyone thinking 0 year old babies aren’t at risk – we know I was assualted by a grandparent when I was 1 something. We don’t know if that’s when it started or just when I was able to verbalize it.

Why am I telling you this?

Because prevention is the cure. And to prevent the problem you have to be aware of it. And if no one talks about it, how can anyone be aware?

Also – it was NOT MY FAULT. And I have NOTHING to be ashamed of.

And neither do you. It’s ok to cry. Better to process the grief than to turn it inward or lash outward.

Ok, so now what? If you’re a survivor – get trauma treatment. Regular therapy most likely won’t help.

If you’re a parent – educate yourself and your kids about consent, body autonomy, tricky people and bad secrets.

Stranger danger isn’t a thing. Strangers are EMTs and store clerks and firefighters who you’ll rarely interact with and will usually be perfectly safe doing so, possibly even life saving.

Tricky people who don’t respect body autonomy and ask kids to keep bad secrets are the dangers. And they’re usually (around 90% of the time) family or friends or other people who aren’t strangers – like some priests and coaches. Just like most kidnappings and Amber Alerts are due to non-custodial parents taking the kid(s), not strangers.

Resources:

Books for adults about trauma:

Books for kids I own:

Books I plan to look into:

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A Diagnosis is Just a Label is Just a Tool

I’ve talked about labels before. Today I was thinking about how a diagnosis is just a medically recognized label.

Like any tool it can be used or not, and used well or poorly.

Another thing a diagnosis or label is, is language. It’s shorthand that allows those who understand it to skip past a lot of repetitive description. And like language it’s usage and meaning can and does change over time.

So, is your diagnosis limiting you? Or are you using it as a tool to liberate you and access support? The U.S. medical insurance system sucks, and working to improve it is definitely worthwhile. At the same time, understanding and figuring out how to work within the existing system might be necessary for many of us until change does happen.

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Link Tracking – Pain Treatment

I’m working on reconnecting with my body so that I can manage my pain appropriately and do my physical therapy exercises.

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Dental care list

Preferred order but not required:

Mouthwash – swish for 30 to 60 seconds, then spit into sink

Floss (gets mouthwash between teeth)

Rinse and put away flosser

Brush:

  1. Wet brush
  2. Apply toothpaste if using (optional – the friction of the bristles is enough)
  3. Divide mouth into quadrants, spend at least 30 seconds brushing each one
    1. Either upper right, upper left, lower right, lower left
    2. Or right outsides (teeth together), left outsides (teeth together), top insides, bottom insides

Test for clean teeth using your tongue, especially both sides (inside/outside) of all four back molars. Get any spots that aren’t clean/don’t feel smooth.

If you can’t reach the back molars, look into tongue tie.

Rinse and put away toothbrush.

Clean tongue (use toothbrush or scrape with spoon, no special tongue scraper needed).

Clean tonsils if required (I use the spoon handle).

Spit as needed.

Spitting is why we brush and floss in or near the bathroom. If you live alone the kitchen sink works too. If you don’t live alone then you need to coordinate with those you live with to see if they’re ok with you brushing and flossing outside the bathroom.

Why brush & floss: