Category Archives: Journal

by

Scheduling grief

I didn’t think to share this on my own, one of my wonderful friends suggested it.

I was reading a book in a waiting room and got triggered and was about to break down crying.

I took a deep breath and asked myself if I could wait until a better time. I thought through the day and figured out a time when I’d have more privacy and promised myself I would come back to this and allow myself to properly grieve and that I would do it today and not forget about it or stuff it down trying to ignore it. It was just a temporary pause for a better time.

And it worked, I was calm the rest of the day and when I sat down outside the library before my next appointment when I had about 20 minutes to spare, I asked myself what had triggered that moment originally. I remembered and was right back in it but this time I just curled over my knees and cried and let it out. I think I only cried for 5 or 10 minutes so I even had time to recover afterwards before walking to my appointment.

I’m sure this trick won’t always work, and it requires you trusting yourself (or your systems – like to do lists or alarms).

And when I say I ask myself, it’s more like I ask my inner parts. Something like “Hey gang, can we hold onto this until later today? I promise I won’t forget and just stuff it down.” That’ll be fore another post on IFS – Internal Family Systems.

by

The Hidden Epidemic

It’s estimated that childhood sexual abuse (CSA) affects 1 in 5 children ages 0-17.

Which means 1 in 5 adults is a survivor of CSA.

CSA is traumatic even if you don’t remember it.

And anyone thinking 0 year old babies aren’t at risk – we know I was assualted by a grandparent when I was 1 something. We don’t know if that’s when it started or just when I was able to verbalize it.

Why am I telling you this?

Because prevention is the cure. And to prevent the problem you have to be aware of it. And if no one talks about it, how can anyone be aware?

Also – it was NOT MY FAULT. And I have NOTHING to be ashamed of.

And neither do you. It’s ok to cry. Better to process the grief than to turn it inward or lash outward.

Ok, so now what? If you’re a survivor – get trauma treatment. Regular therapy most likely won’t help.

If you’re a parent – educate yourself and your kids about consent, body autonomy, tricky people and bad secrets.

Stranger danger isn’t a thing. Strangers are EMTs and store clerks and firefighters who you’ll rarely interact with and will usually be perfectly safe doing so, possibly even life saving.

Tricky people who don’t respect body autonomy and ask kids to keep bad secrets are the dangers. And they’re usually (around 90% of the time) family or friends or other people who aren’t strangers – like some priests and coaches. Just like most kidnappings and Amber Alerts are due to non-custodial parents taking the kid(s), not strangers.

Resources:

Books for adults about trauma:

Books for kids I own:

Books I plan to look into:

by

Communicating Stress Levels

I struggle with cPTSD. This is a way I found to communicate with my partner about my status so they can be more considerate without getting triggered themselves.

It’s like living in bear country. People who don’t live in bear country don’t worry about bears at all. I’m always at some level of alertness/activation if I’m not in my safe space.

bear country – I have to be alert for signs of bear, so I can’t be totally relaxed.
bear tracks – I’m relieved the bear isn’t around but disappointed to see its tracks.
audible something – My attention is split trying to figure out if what I’m hearing is a bear.
audible bear – My attention is on the audible bear to make sure it’s not coming closer.
visible bear – Even more focused on the bear and being prepared to move away.
approaching bear – I’m trying to move away from the bear and get safe
charging bear – I’m running away trying to get safe
bear attack – I’m no longer functional (may go non-verbal, etc.)

If you get between me and the bear you’re increasing the danger level for me since I can’t see it. If you don’t move when I ask then I’ll need to move. If you follow me and block my view again then you start to become a bear yourself. If a bear is too close I might become a bear myself in defense.

It has really helped reduce the amount of defensiveness and triggering. I don’t have to explain if they are the bear, I’m the bear or something else entirely (headache, etc.) – I just say “bear” and they give me space.

This is just a metaphor for communication about the sympathetic nervous system and how activated it is — also referred to as being flooded, triggered or dysregulated.

by

Parenting Scripts

I’ve know for a long time to avoid “don’t/do not” this explains it a little better: Parenting Expert: ‘Do Not’ Doesn’t Work with Toddlers – Tinybeans

I think it keeps mattering because it’s easy to miss the “don’t” and only hear the rest. Plus it’s amazing how many ways people can follow directions while still not doing what you want.

Instead of ….. Try …..

Don’t run! – Walking feet! Walk please.

Don’t yell! – Inside voice. Quieter please. Lets turn down the volume.

Don’t go <place>! – Come back here. Stay right there.

Don’t climb/wiggle/stand/kneel on your chair. – Sit on your butt please.

Don’t touch that/things! – Hands together please. Keep your hands on your knees. Let’s try sitting on your hands.

Don’t <do this thing> without me! – Wait for me please.

Don’t <do this thing> without permission. – Ask permission and wait for an answer before you <do this thing>.

Don’t leave <thing> <wrong place>! – Pick up <thing> and put it <right place>.

Don’t forget <action/item>. – Remember <action/item>!

by

Finding a Good Therapist

Finding a therapist is pretty straightforward, for example you can use a site like:

Find a Therapist, Psychologist, Counselor – Psychology Today

Or follow instructions on who to call like these:

Finding a Mental Health Professional | NAMI

The harder part is figuring out if the therapist is actually helping you.

I only recently learned that they should be giving you homework – like something to practice or a question to think about.

You should feel safe and comfortable with them.
If you don’t feel that way with any person, then you might consider finding someone you’re willing to explore and address that with despite how you initially feel. You could also try a group setting where you can listen and learn or watch videos or read books to get started on healing.

Even there you should get actionable items to work on. For example, all the various 12 step groups have you work the steps of the program. This video mentions starting with breathwork which there a lots of different videos you can look through to find one that works for you. I try to do box breathing daily, especially while driving or other tasks like that. Books like Parenting From the Inside Out by Dan Siegel also give end of chapter activities to try.

If you’re just paying someone to listen to you vent, they aren’t doing a good job. They should listen to you vent sure, but then they should be asking good questions. How or why did you end up in that situation? What do you wish you had done and what stopped you? What do you want to do in future situations like that, and what do you need to be able to do that?

I once had a therapist cancel me as a client because “It seemed I had nothing to work on and was just venting which I should do with friends.” – I went along with it, but many years later I realized that the therapist didn’t ask if I HAD friends I felt I could talk about this stuff with or WHY I wasn’t talking about it with my friends. I knew I needed help, I just didn’t know what I needed and didn’t realize that my therapist wasn’t skilled at figuring it out either.

Another therapist I fired after realizing I was only ever venting about one topic again but not being given any actionable feedback on how to change my own behavior to affect that relationship and the venting was just bringing me down.

One I had to stop seeing because driving there after work ended up being so tiring I couldn’t think or talk about anything else by the time I got there. Thank goodness for all the remote options we have now!

by

A Diagnosis is Just a Label is Just a Tool

I’ve talked about labels before. Today I was thinking about how a diagnosis is just a medically recognized label.

Like any tool it can be used or not, and used well or poorly.

Another thing a diagnosis or label is, is language. It’s shorthand that allows those who understand it to skip past a lot of repetitive description. And like language it’s usage and meaning can and does change over time.

So, is your diagnosis limiting you? Or are you using it as a tool to liberate you and access support? The U.S. medical insurance system sucks, and working to improve it is definitely worthwhile. At the same time, understanding and figuring out how to work within the existing system might be necessary for many of us until change does happen.

by

Link Tracking – Pain Treatment

I’m working on reconnecting with my body so that I can manage my pain appropriately and do my physical therapy exercises.

by

Post Covid Update

I haven’t updated in a while, mostly because I’ve been focusing on taking care of myself and accepting help.

I’ve been doing EMDR and it’s been helping me reframe my memories. At first I was doing it to recover from the trauma of being hospitalized for bipolar disorder. We’ve started working on my childhood trauma since then. This morning I was thinking about how Penelope said that the biggest impact for kids was when their moms got more support. This has been true for us because I’m able to be more regulated and present for my child, which I’ve written about before is their primary need.

One of the things that has come out of my bipolar diagnosis is being forced to focus on taking better care of myself and asking for or accepting help. I’ve been learning that ignoring my needs, such as disassociating from my pain, is one of my maladaptive strategies I’ve brought from my childhood.

One of the first stories I reframed with EMDR was about my elementary school worms.

The school I went to had one of those red dirt tracks out in the field. Whenever it rain the track would be covered in worms. During PE if it wasn’t raining, we would be told to run the track. It took me forever because I was avoiding stepping on the worms. Eventually I’d get in trouble for being squeamish. I was the only one reacting that way, so I was the wimpy freak. Re-examining it I realized that I was the only one sensitive and caring enough to want to avoid killing the worms by stepping on them. And instead of my kindness being honored it was dismissed.

I didn’t find out about the trait of high sensitivity until my late 20s or early 30s, so while I was able to do some reframing on my own, I didn’t realize how many formative memories I had with negative interpretations. And it was only recently working with my chiropractor that I realized how disassociated I was from my body and its pain signals.

I wouldn’t say I feel lucky to have bipolar, but I do feel lucky to have such a large caring network of friends and family to support me while I rewire my brain.

by

Here’s how stupid I can be

I was on the phone and this is what I wrote:

$1500*

On**

$281****

$proof of medical expenses*****

Lease agreement 958

1410******

-958

-500 something *******

———

The above was what I wrote while on the phone in Google Docs Monday afternoon, adding my notes Tuesday morning.

*I already forgot what this was

** And this

***This is where I said “That’s a negative number. Does he get the full amount with that?” The answer was “Yes” and I started laughing and crying at the same time in relief that I didn’t have to get any proof of medical expenses (raise your hand if you HATE PAPERWORK) and then thanking the person profusely.

****Current maximum monthly benefit for a single adult as of writing this

*****The number I thought I needed to figure out to maximize benefits and minimize paperwork

****** Current SSDI as of writing this

******* Utilities default exemption

Nope, don’t care enough to make this a nice clean click through, this is just a log. If you need CalFresh help – look here or do a web search.