Self – You’re the problem

While I can’t dismiss that there are more influences than just me, I’m finding again and again that whatever maladaptive thing the kiddo is doing, if I slow down and ask where it came from? It me. /facepalm

Tries to solve perceived problems without help? Yup

Ignores or hides pain instead of sharing and asking for help? Yup

Assume the worst or focus on what is missing instead of what is there? Yeah. I’ve been aware of and working on this, and I realize now I still have a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong way to go.

Ignore other people’s boundaries if they aren’t clear and direct? Ugh, yup! They should still be clear and direct. And I could tell people that I need them to be clear and direct so I don’t miss what they are trying to communicate.

Not express my boundaries clearly, kindly and firmly? Definitely me.

Struggles to do things that are boring or anxiety inducting? Oh heck yeah that’s me.

And now I think my meds have worn off cause I’m ready to keel over and sleep. On the plus side, the ice pack and stretches have helped my head pain.

Self-Care

I woke up at 5 in a lot of pain. I realized that to learn to be vulnerable I needed to learn to stop masking my physical pain.

I started writing out my pain stories. I started to get sleepy which usually happens when I’m REALLY trying to avoid something. My rib was really painful though and heat wasn’t helping. I was able to play some YouTube videos that gave me some instant pain relief.

Next step, how do I make sure I actually do exercises regularly?

I need to work dance/song into it. Probably sing the instructions while doing the exercises to turn them into dance moves. Also get out the foam roller.

And I need to set up a music playlist to move me through the day.

I can do the wall arm one while I supervise my geriatric cat eating. And the shoulder squeeze I can do anytime and helps with the pain right away.

Friendship?

A friend helped me realize that if I organize my thoughts enough to write them down, it will force me to organize my thoughts.

I decided to help them in a small way that was easy for me to do. It felt selfish though, because I was supporting them so that they could continue to help me.

Then I thought that maybe that’s what a ND/HSP/ASD friendship looks like? Supporting each other in ways that are easy for us but might be hard for them. And being able to be honest and direct with each other. It sucks hearing hard things, and it hurts. And it’s so much easier knowing that the person telling you the hurtful things is doing it because they love you anyway and they are helping you become a better person. We can’t fix the problems we can’t see.

I don’t feel lonely when I’m being honest and direct with people. It feels good and is easy to be pedantic. And it’s totally boring. It’s putting up a wall instead of being vulnerable. Because being vulnerable is terrifying.

Is that because of the trauma of not feeling seen or accepted as a child?

I hate that I have to admit that my “not that bad” childhood was traumatic. I love my parents and I appreciate all they did to make sure my childhood was less traumatic than theirs. It paved the way for me to be dealing with my trauma so that I can try to repair the trauma I’ve already inflicted on my kid, even beyond what I just passed down epigenetically.

I’m a crappy parent and if I don’t keep reminding myself of that, or letting my friends remind me, I won’t get better.

If you say “You’re such a good mom!”

I feel like saying, no, but I’m trying.

I think I need to figure out a better reply. Saying no just invalidates your experience of me. What can I say to help both of us?

I’m trying to be, thank you for listening, it helps me know what to focus on.

When do they say the good mom thing and what do they mean?

Usually after they’ve shared a struggle and I’ve empathized and shared what helped me in a similar situation.

I wonder if by saying I’m a good mom, they’re avoiding saying that they feel like they are guilty of being a bad mom for not figuring it out on their own?

I think that’s how I feel when I realize what inconsiderate thing I’ve done, or what considerate thing I haven’t done.

I keep thinking of Brene Brown’s videos – we’re lonely when we aren’t brave enough to be vulnerable. I wanted to say or if we don’t have a safe space to be vulnerable – but that’s wrong. We create the safe space by being vulnerable. By admitting that we’re not perfect and that we’re going to make mistakes and that once we know better, we’ll do better.

If you are authentic and honest, either people will connect with you – or it will terrify them and in their terror they might attack you (fight), disengage (flight). You can have compassion for them, and still know that it’s their problem and you don’t have to tolerate their behavior.

She also talks about the difference between guilt and shame. We feel guilty when we know our actions were wrong. We feel ashamed when we think our selves are wrong.

Seeing other people who we can see ourselves in helps us know that we aren’t wrong.

I’m trying to slow down and be more present and intentional instead of reactive.

And now I need to listen to my body and sleep even though I want to keep writing and thinking.

Where does the money go?

I prefer to support local companies with really good customer service and happy employees. In general they are not the most cost saving, but the extra cost is more than worth the peace of mind and my time saved by not having to deal with problems.

  • SRY Construction
  • Edible Ecology
  • Organizing –
    • lily
    • other
  • gardener
  • Steve Stone
  • Hassler Heating & Air
  • Pelican Plumbing
  • Berkeley Honda (Eddie)
  • Mr. Mopps
  • TigerTechnologies
  • Sonic Internet
  • Swell Energy
  • EBVHC

Other things I support:

  • How to ADHD
  • WikiPedia
  • Shuumi
  • Yolo County SPCA
  • Epbot

Things I plan to support once I have funding:

  • PBS
  • TED Ed
  • SciShow
  • CrashCourse
  • Mark Rober
  • Kurzegast
  • Team Trees
  • Team Ocean
  • Verge Permaculture
  • Soil Food Web

ECHO, Echo, echo…..

Echolalia is functional communication. It is often an indication of gestalt thinking, if you search for hyperlexia or hypernumeracy you might find more information.

Possible functions:

  • practicing verbal skills
  • auditory stimulation (stimming – it just sounds good)
  • communicating – if we’re not understanding, we’re not listening/paying enough attention or we need training

One example is my kiddo would say the exact same line if they thought that I wasn’t listening, or wasn’t understanding, or wasn’t giving the response they wanted/were looking for.

So now I’ll say:

“I’ve heard you say that multiple times now, did you miss my acknowledgement (either verbal or visual) or are you looking for a specific response or does it just sound good?”

<reply>

“Great, thanks for letting me know!”

Fashion

Fashion is not just a vacuous hobby.

Benefits:

  • Present an image – their personal brand – self expression – it’s a visual form of communication and we communicate to connect
  • Create beauty in the world
    • a fashionista is an artist whose canvas is their body and is practicing ephemeral art
    • someone who is tattooed is also using their body as a canvas in collaboration with the person applying the tattoos

I met someone who got their tattoos as an act of self-care – every time they saw their tattoos on their arms they were reminded to care for themselves.

Autistic employee goes viral with office sign that breaks down ‘bad communicator’ stereotypes – Upworthy

I’m autistic.

I prefer direct, literal and detailed communication

If I am:

Not making eye contact

Not greeting you back

Not understanding your social cues, etc.

There is no malicious intent. It is the autism.

Thank you for understanding.

https://www.upworthy.com/autistic-employee-called-a-bad-communicator-responds-by-hanging-an-important-sign-in-the-office

“This should be the norm tbh!! very proud of you for stating your boundaries and needs clearly,” Alastar wrote. “I wish everyone had signs telling me how to communicate tbh,” Bro added.

“How is it that we prefer direct, literal, and detailed communication, but somehow WE’RE the ones with a communication issue???” Reading cosmere! wrote.

https://www.upworthy.com/autistic-employee-called-a-bad-communicator-responds-by-hanging-an-important-sign-in-the-office

“The funniest thing about the comment section of my autism sign video is the people who are asking me, ‘Are you self-diagnosed? Are you formally diagnosed?’” he said in the video. “Do you think neurotypical people would make a sign like that? Do you think that would happen? Do you think a neurotypical person would do that?”

https://www.upworthy.com/autistic-employee-called-a-bad-communicator-responds-by-hanging-an-important-sign-in-the-office

Is she fine, or is she masking?

I keep meeting folks who have one kid diagnosed but other kids that aren’t. There is relatively strong evidence that it’s genetic/hereditary (Genetics of Autism Spectrum Disorders – PMC (nih.gov)) – enough that I’m not sure why folks aren’t told to automatically have all siblings evaluated.

I’m 42 and just now starting to figure out who I am and who I want to be, I spent so long masking so deeply that it’s taken over two and a half years to start to realize that I don’t need to do things I “should” to be “normal” or “fit in” – a recent example was telling my best friend that I don’t like eating at restaurants, most of them are sensory nightmares and that I would stay home and happily wait while the others went out. It’s so nice to be able to say no to things without feeling guilty or like I need to explain or give reasons.