Tag Archives: attachment

by

Relationships

Everyone gets disregulated sometimes, and when we’re in a state of disregulation we are more likely to trigger old responses from Trauma or trauma.

When we’re in that state generally people can respond in one of three ways:

A supportive re-regulating way.

An unsupportive way that either doesn’t help or even worsens our disregulation.

They can get triggered too.

In a healthy relationship mostly the first happens.

The second can be dealt with by teaching new skills/responses.

The third one is the hardest to deal with. Both people need their own therapist and a couples therapist is needed to help re-regulate both during interactions. It’s a lot of painful work and most often is easier to end the relationship and find a less challenging pairing.

For those recovering from anything really, if someone doesn’t already have their own therapist/recovery group, that’s a huge red flag.

The two choices are they don’t need one, or they need one and don’t recognize it.

If they go to therapy for you instead of for themselves, that doesn’t really work.

The likelihood that they don’t need therapy is pretty slim, especially since we tend to be drawn to our counterparts or people who feel familiar. And if they are drawn to us, it’s probably the same for them.

So it’s pretty safe to assume that if they aren’t doing recovery work, that’s a huge red flag and we should run the other way and that we’re not passing up the magical unicorn that doesn’t need to do recovery work and is still interested in being our partner.

For more info read How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t With Your Kids or watch some School of Life or Heidi Priebe YouTube videos on trauma & relationships.

by

Attachment

When things attach, it means they connect. And connection is the purpose of existence.

Decades of research demonstrates that attachment styles are mutable, and that we form stable bonds by engaging in productive conflict with another person, and then repairing our connection in the wake of that conflict — not by having a perfect, unbroken attachment pattern inside us from the start.

…

Modern-day attachment research also reveals that a person does not have one single attachment style, but rather a panoply of different attachments in their many different relationships. We can feel secure in our friendships but insecure in our romantic lives, warm around friends but frigid with our family, anxious with one partner and avoidant with another or a blend of both depending on the day. Our relationships also interact with and inform one another.

Devon Price

Thoughts on Jessica Fern’s Polysecure | by Devon Price | Oct, 2022 | Medium

The above quotes are sections from the review of the book Polysecure – not what I would normally be interested in, but Devon has done an amazing job focusing on the attachment parts and building on it. Rather than quoting all of it, I strongly suggest you go read it.

by

Attachment

Secure attachment

Insecure attachment: Anxious or Avoidant types

Primary caregiver required during first year especially.

Kids of today are the workers of tomorrow – if you’re worried about how Social Security will be funded, how hard it is to get people trained and available for important work…. then you should support every parent getting the first year after giving birth fully funded by the government – food, housing, healthcare, etc. (local government is fine).

Fewer accidents, both in the workplace and on the road, healthier kids, kids that parents can afford, that’s how you stop the population decline.