Input Required

I had a friend ask for ideas, I’m generalizing here for anyone it might help.

Kiddo asks parent for proprioceptive input.

Parent either can’t or can only offer some input.

Kiddo can’t handle the refusal – they already are disregulated and needing input, so they escalate.

My suggestions came from my experience:

1 One, it’s ok to have boundaries, and the less someone respects your boundaries, the bigger the boundaries have to be.

I’ve described it like the following distance when driving – if someone in front of you or behind you is tailgaiting, you need a larger following distance. That way if the person in front crashes from tailgaiting you have time to brake. If the person behind is too close then you also need time to brake slowly so they don’t hit you like they would if you had to stop suddenly.

What this looks like is stopping your kiddo farther away and asking them to slow down and ask first. If they are too disregulated to respect the boundaries, then you know to take action to protect yourself and help them get regulated. For example my personal bubble with the kiddo is my head and my back, if he wants to go behind me he has to ask, and if he wants to touch my face he has to ask, and if he wants to give me a hug, he doesn’t have to ask unless he’s trying to come up behind me.

2 Two, if they are asking for input you can’t give, try to give them or help them get the input they need. I’ll offer “squeezies” – a big bear hug, “squishies” – squishing the kiddo between me and a counter/wall/etc. or “jumpies” – holding hands and the kiddo jumps while pushing down on my hands, similar to holding a gym bar or pushing down on a counter or table and jumping.

In this case kiddo wanted what we call “shoulder bup” – sitting on shoulders. The two alternatives I thought of was doing a piggy back and then leaning against the wall to take some of the weight off or doing the shoulder bup with leaning back so that most of the kiddo’s weight ends up on the back of the seat if available.

If those aren’t options, a headstand or handstand might help or the other types of input mentioned. Another one we like is “Timber!” where they call that and you are a tree that then falls down on them – usually sitting side by side and leaning into them.

How do I get people to take my advice?

First I have a question – how do YOU feel when someone gives you unsolicited advice?

  • Patronized? (Mansplained)
  • Condescended to?
  • Defensive?
  • Criticized?
  • Angry?
  • Annoyed or irritated?
  • Appreciative?
  • Grateful?

If it’s more like the first ones and not the last two, why would someone else feel differently?

What would happen if instead you asked if they were open to you sharing ideas or your experience?

What if you respected if they weren’t ready to hear it, but at least they know you’re available if they want it?

What if you asked them what they think they need or what they want, and why they want it? Could you ask leading questions so they could figure things out on their own?

What would happen if you took your own advice first? What would it look like to be the change you want to see?

What are you missing if people aren’t listening to you? Are you not connecting first? Are you regulated? Are they?

Cassandra from Greek Mythology embodies the anguish of seeing the future and not being able to do anything about it. But it’s a misleading tale – we can do something about it, but not the thing that is easy for us – telling others.

We have to do the hard work of helping them see for themselves, or the even harder work of connecting with others so strongly that they trust us to be looking out for their best interests as well.

Hope – have it you should

Perhaps we would all be better off to live by the following indigenous principles?

– Treat the Earth and all that dwell thereon with respect
– Remain close to the Great Spirit
– Show great respect for your fellow beings
– Work together for the benefit of all Mankind
– Give assistance and kindness wherever needed
– Do what you know to be right
– Look after the well being of mind and body
– Dedicate a share of your efforts to the greater good
– Be truthful and honest at all times
– Take full responsibility for your actions

Gregg Prescott, M.S.

Do good

“Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, as long as ever you can” https://www.opb.org/article/2021/09/06/father-helps-oregonians-with-autism/#:~:text=Do%20all%20the%20good%20you%20can%2C%20by%20all%20the%20means%20you%20can%2C%20in%20all%20the%20ways%20you%20can%2C%20in%20all%20the%20places%20you%20can%2C%20at%20all%20the%20times%20you%20can%2C%20to%20all%20the%20people%20you%20can%2C%20as%20long%20as%20ever%20you%20can

Please love yourself

“but then you can’t expect somebody who loves you to treat you less cruelly than he would treat himself.”

Mary McCarthy on Love and Hannah Arendt’s Advice to Her on the Dangerous Delusion That We Can Change the People We Love – The Marginalian

This was a revelation for me – I had such a hard time understanding how someone could be so kind, generous & compassionate with everyone but me. Until I realized that I had become part of their self and thus was mistreated the same way they mistreated themselves. And because of my codependency I had allowed & tolerated it by not setting firm boundaries.

No one can read minds.

Your “obvious” hints/signs/clues – aren’t. Just state your needs if you want a chance of getting them met.

You are the only one who knows the inside scoop.

You are the one who knows what your internal experience is – everyone else can only guess based on behavior.

Put on your air mask first.

You must have love and compassion for yourself before you can have it for others.

If you are what you practice habitually, the best place to start is with your internal voice – be kind to yourself.

Feed the good wolf – if you feel yourself going into what I call “the bad place” – I distract myself with things that remind me of hope, kindness, goodness (right now it’s the idea of permaculture).