Tag Archives: braindump

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Memory Modalities

I’ve been figuring out some things about SDAM (Severely Deficient Autobiographical Memory) and some stuff about the threshold effect.

A trick I’ve started using for the threshold effect is saying out loud the thing I’m going to do/get as I cross the threshold. So not only am I thinking it, I’m also embodying it by saying it out loud and then I’m hearing it – usually in the new context.

I think that’s all the threshold effect really is, it’s a context switch. In the bathroom you remember bathroom related things, you step out and your brain no longer has that context trigger and loses access to those thoughts.

I doubt I’m the only one who has gone back and forth multiple times forgetting, going back, remembering, rinse, repeat, and again.

The other new term I’ve come across is glimmers – which is being used for when the memories being triggered are pleasurable instead of painful.

My couples therapist asked something along the lines of how do I feel loved or remember feeling loved. With the SDAM I can’t recall/remember/re-experience the feeling but I can recall/know/have the knowledge that I’ve experienced it.

I thought about it more and realized that the only time I can remember what getting married felt like was at someone else’s wedding. I would feel suffused with love and cry at every wedding.

So I can only remember in context.

I can’t imagine going to the beach or some happy place like many people do – I have to actually go and let the experience wash over me.

Often I have to force myself to go do things, but then once I do and I’m there, I’m so glad that I did. Because I can’t remember how good it felt in the past until I’m there doing it again.

I’m realizing I would use books and movies to control the context I was experiencing growing up. When I needed to cry I would re-watch Somersby. I couldn’t just let myself grieve, I had to trigger that release.

I’m working on rewiring some associations like the shower is for crying (I play a gratitude playlist now), the car and kitchen are for arguing. Changing cars might have already helped with that. Kitchen is trickier, mostly I just still avoid it.

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Song snippets

These were in my head after choir last night, so I tried something new. I sang them into my recorder last night instead of journally and wrote them up today.

-indicates the title

-Rumination

When you have a thought

That you just don’t want

And even your dreams it tries to haunt

Just gotta know

to let it go

It’s rumination, yeah let it go

It’s just a thought, it doesn’t have to be

hanging around, cluttering up me

Go away

Hear me say

I don’t want to think you anymore today

-Jot it down

When you have a thought, can’t let it go

Write it down and it will go

jot it out

just put it down

Put some weight down in the ground

Ground yourself

and you will see

That you will start to feel free

Just put it down and let it go

-Stuck Thoughts

Got a thought running through my head

worrying about the thing I said

don’t know why I can’t let it go

Ruminating, oh no

So when it’s time to put it down

Get some paper and write it down

Just jot it down, type it up

Draw it out, you know what?

Find a way to set it free

and let it go away from thee/me

-It’s Just a Thought

It’s just a thought

Reality is what it’s not

Just a thought

I can let go

Or make it real if I want it so

Just a thought

Just a thought

That’s all it is

It’s just a thought

Reality is what it’s not

-Disconnected

What do I feel?

I don’t know how to make it real

Somehow disconnected

Don’t know what

-Gotta Reconnect

When I’m feeling so disconnected

I just gotta reconnect

Gotta think about what the heck my body needs

My body wants

What sensation my body haunts

That’s all I gotta find out

Got reconnect without a doubt

Gotta reconnect, gotta reconnect

Yeah just gotta reconnect

Checking in

Head and neck

Shoulders and chest and back and thighs

Knees and elbows and ankles

Take a big, big sigh

Send it through, up and back

Figure out what your body needs

Checking in just to see

Do I need a drink? Do I need to eat?

Do I need to pee or take a nap?

Do I wanna hug or just to cry?

All I gotta do is just sigh.

<big breath in, sigh it out>

-Pain Song

Hello pain my old friend

I see you’re back again

What are you trying to tell me?

Practicing listening, you’ll see

Do I need a rest?

Do I need to eat?

Do I need something to feel complete?

Hello pain, listening

Tell me your story

I’ll hear you sing

Sing your song

Sung through me

Hello pain

<breathe>

-Finding a Way Past Fear

My pain tells me

who to charm

It tries to keep me safe from harm

Fight, flight, freeze and fawn

Pain helps me know which one

I gotta use to defend myself

cause I can’t rely on anybody else

wait, oh no

don’t think that’s right

I don’t think I’m alone this night

Not the only one here

Not the only one to hide in fear

We’re not alone

Just gotta breathe

Remember that we are a we

Someone else is out there too

Feeling the same way as you

Just gotta hang on

Hold on tight

Eventually it’ll turn out right

If you just keep looking

and searching on

Reaching out

For that helping arm

holding out the helping hand

that is what

is in the plan

Just gotta search and reach it out

grasp that hand so they’ll pull you out

of the stark pit that’s full of fear

and pain and sorrow and not much cheer

You just gotta go

Keep on

eventually, it’ll come

-Titrate Your Pain

You got to titrate your pain

When you’re caught in the rain

And you just don’t know when

you’ll feel pleasure again

Just let it come out, bit by bit

Just enough so you’re not overwhelmed by it.

That’s what it takes to let it go

To let your tears safely flow

Just gotta titrate it out

Bit by bit

That’s how you can let go of it

-I’ll Be Alright

Gotta be free

Gotta move on

Gotta let it

Out in a song

Gotta let go

Gotta just know

I’ll be all right

If I say so

I’ll be all right

Yes, I’ll be all right

Because I say so

I’ll be all right

-Ask For Help

Ask for help

People don’t know that it’s hard for me

To ask for help

No one can read your mind

So ask for help

It’s okay to let people know

You need some help

So just ask for help

That’s how you help yourself

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Acceptance

Accepting that toxic love is not love to hold onto is where I found relief from pain.

It acceptance feels like being bathed in balm, so peaceful and calm and serene to no longer be clinging tight to pain. Letting go is terrifying, but the freefall of freedom and uncertainty can also feel like flying with the wind brushing past you.

Buddhism books:

ACT – Acceptance & Commitment Therapy: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapy-types/acceptance-and-commitment-therapy

The Serenity Prayer: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serenity_Prayer

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Choices

How do I make a choice? I identify the choices and pick one.

I choose to trust my self.

My self built a system.

Dec 18 Log: The system brought me back here, so the system says I need to document my choices and then pick one.

What were my choices? Use the system or not.

Dec 16 Log:

Every moment is a chance to make a choice.

Making choices takes practice. If we stop making choices, we stop living as humans and merely exist as animals running purely on habit.

I like Winnifred’s original version better:

Father, give us courage to change what must be altered, serenity to accept what cannot be helped, and the insight to know the one from the other.[5]

Serenity Prayer – Wikipedia

I would update it to say:

I can choose to act with bravery to change my understanding of myself, to accept with serenity that which I cannot change and the curiosity to drive the pursuit of knowledge to distinguish the two from each other.

Bravery is choosing to take action that you believe is right, rather than choosing to let fear control you.

If you don’t like any of your choices – it’s time to ask if those are really your choices. And if they are, then it’s time to slow down and back up – why are these your choices right now?

Right now I’m choosing to document my choices, so that the next time I end up with a choice I don’t like, I can trace back to the point of failure in the system and try a different choice.

Just now I chose to clean up after my child. I have already identified the problem – let’s see how far I can follow this thread before I decide another one is more important:

The problem is me. I have not taught my child how to clean up when finishing a task. Why?

I have not mastered that skill yet. Why? I have not practiced it enough. Why? Because I only realized recently that it was an important skill. Why? Because anything worth doing is worth doing well. Why? 1 To do something well I need to understand what I’m doing. Why? If I don’t understand what I’m doing, I might do more harm than good. (Road to hell)

Either I have the motivation to do something, or I have a system to help me do it. – Stub, had to stop here for self care. Dec. 17 7:45p

Log of prior answers before editing:

1 Because if I don’t have the motivation to do it well, I should be figuring out why, not doing it anyway. Why? If I don’t have the motivation, that’s a problem with my system. Why? If I understand myself. Why did I not? Because my parents didn’t teach me.

Coming from a place of pain, fear, confusion and darkness, where it feels like I’m trapped in a cage made of funhouse mirrors that distort every bit of in

Stub

Brain dump to help make choices:

Things pulling my attention:

Testing batteries

Testing the spaceship game

testing the cat treat dispenser

cleaning up the living room to remove distractions

documenting the system so that the system can work – if it’s worth doing, it’s worth documenting.

It’s 1:37, I have a body double available until 3.

Using the system and documenting the parts that aren’t yet and self care are the highest priorities.

First transition check.

Then use a time timer and headphones.

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Archive of the Original LiveJournal Blog

Ok, I decided I liked blogger.com better because it’s easier to use and I can host it on my own site and format it easily. So basically this is the stuff from livejournal.com and from now on I’ll be posting here.

Wednesday, September 8, 2004

12:05PM – Meetings……zzzzzzzzzzzzz

I am amazed at how long my boss can just talk. Luckily he’s interesting and I brought water & snacks… but I drank all my water and really really needed to go tinkle by the time the meeting ended. Why is it I only get phone calls when I’m on the line or out of the office? No calls yesterday – 2 today during the meeting.

Anyway, you want cuteness and a way to waste lots and lots of time? Check out http://orisinal.com

Of the three avocados I bought I actually managed to eat two of them. I only had to throw out one, that’s pretty good for me. So now I’m debating following the avocado with an orange or part of a candied apple from the wedding. Decisions, decisions. 🙂

I got my butt kicked at checkers last night… checkers! I knew that strategy games like chess weren’t my thing, I don’t have the patience and I just can’t think that far ahead in games like that to see the consequences of moves… but checkers??? That’s supposed to be easy. Watch, next I’ll be getting my tooshie stomped at tic-tac-toe. At least I got revenge in the word finding game. Jenny the walking thesaurus. And no I’m not a walking dictionary because I understand the words, but explaining them isn’t my strongest suit either.

Oh! I’ll update my spiritual/emotional/mental growth at some point, but for a start I consider myself “HSP” – a highly sensitive person – as defined by Elaine Aron in her books. See http://hsperson.com for some info on that. But anyway, I love coming up with metaphors for things, so the one I thought of yesterday: HSPs experience a smaller but deeper slice of life. So we end up with the same amount of pie, but we get more filling and less crust. So basically since we experience things to a greater depth/extent, we end up not being able to experience the breadth of experiences that nonHSPs can. So it’s a trade off. We both get the same amount of pie (life) in the end. I was thinking about it because of all the sleep I need – events impact me more, so I need more rest and end up experiencing fewer events than my nonHSP friends, but that’s ok because I get more out of the events I do get to experience.

Ok, enough rambling, I think I’m going to have the orange.

Current mood: contemplative

Tuesday, September 7, 2004

12:14PM – Four day weeks are nice

I love 3 day weekends. I think we get one in 10 of the 12 months. October is one of the 2 that doesn’t have one, but I’m making up for that by taking 2 days off and GOING TO DISNEYLAND!!!! Can you tell I’m a wee bit excited? This is only my second time ever. 😀

This week is super busy too, I’m going out for dinner with people, or cooking in, pretty much every night. Luckily this weekend the only plan I have is to get my hair trimmed again. And I plan to keep it that way! I’m not leaving the house for anything else except maybe grocery shopping if I can help it. I’m just gonna work on my contract website and clean and read and sleep – lots of sleep.

Current mood: busy

Monday, September 6, 2004

10:08PM – busy busy busy!!!

Wow, so Friday was the Princess’ bridal shower. B did a great job, soooo much yummy food, especially this raspberry, strawberry, blueberry parfait thing, I had 2 there and took 2 home. 🙂

btw, this is diet crack: http://thecandybaron.com/detail.html?1057
just as crazy making in sufficient quantities – remember the giant ones? not quite as addictive – hence diet crack 😀

Saturday I went home to see mom for her birthday (and I didn’t have to drive! Yay Yay Yay!!!) and we went to the beach. There was a ton of smoke driving through Sebastapol. The beaches were crowded so we ended up at Portuguese Beach. The weather was soooo perfect. We all had a nice time mostly lazing around. The water was freezing, but luckily I brought a change of clothes… I got a little wet after somebody threw a bowl of sea water at my back… just cause I splashed a little teeny tiny bit of water on him. =P

The ride home was cool, the smoke in the air obscured the sun enough to look right at it, it was this bright red disk in the sky. My camera was in the trunk though so I didn’t get a good picture of it.

Sunday was the wedding, which was nice and short, just how I want mine to be someday. 🙂 I am absolutely not standing in front of a crowd of people longer than I have to. The food was great, and the couple was adorable. One of my best friends gave a great speech – which I helped him figure out the other day at work. 🙂 And I got to see some friends that I don’t get to see very often. And the cakes & desserts! I’ve never seen that much dessert at a wedding.

I ended up watching Super Troopers (yes, it was funny) that night. And today has been lazy day for me. Sleeping, reading, more sleeping, tv – lots of Law & Order, and then more reading of email and comics…. and I’m now being told that I’m up past my bedtime, which I am, so I’m done for now!

=P

Current mood: chipper

Friday, September 3, 2004

1:22PM – I think I’m addicted….

scaryblackdeath, this is all your fault! 😛 putting ideas in my head, you didn’t tell me blogging was more addictive than diet crack!

Current mood: quixotic

1:13PM – A fricking sieve I tell you!!

So I have a regular therapy appointment every Friday during lunch. It got cancelled last week. I have it on my calendar, which makes a sound and bounces to get my attention to remind me. My boss wanders in to chat, and I hear it go off and think “It’s just reminding me to take lunch.” So I don’t look at it and start blogging… and get a call at 12:45 from my therapist because I’m late. Argh! I love going to see her, she’s a great therapist and has been a big help. And it is only $10 to see her with my insurance. So now I have to make sure that I’m extra careful to pay attention to my calendar reminders. And I feel bad for wasting her time. I can be such a n airheaded doof. Oh well. That just trashed my mood. I could feel it swirling down the drain. Ok, happy thoughts happy thoughts happy thoughts!!!! Pink fluffy bunnies! Ice cream! Ohhh, this calls for emergency chocolate. 🙂 Hershey’s nuggets are yummy!

Current mood: ditzy

12:01PM – Birth of a Vorpal Bunny

Since my mind is like a sieve (you know, one of the fine mesh ones that most things slip through, but random bits get stuck and they’re really hard to clean) and I don’t know who I’ve told what, instead of filling out the bio I’m just gonna do a (relatively) quick rundown on the most important stuff.

Born, yay!

Went to Sequoia Elementary. Survived that.

Went to Rincon Valley Junior High. Somehow survived that also. Finally chopped my hair short in 8th grade – long hair is a pain!

Went to Santa Rosa High School. I managed to take enough college & summer school classes that I was done a year early, but I wanted to graduate with my classmates, so I walked in 97 but I didn’t take any classes my senior year. Talk about senioritis! I just worked and took stuff at the JC.

Went to Santa Rosa Junior College. Somehow managed to throw off a lot of the depression that I had suffered from – my health, grades and happiness got way better. I graduated from there with an AA and an AS and High Honors and transferred to UC Davis.

I transferred to Davis as a Design major – mainly because it was an easy major to get into at the time. I actually planned to switch to computer science because I loved the programming classes at the JC. Then I tried taking ECS 40 – and I HATED it. Dropped out after a week or two. Luckily I found out that although I don’t have a knack for design (I have a good eye, but my artistic ability is somewhat lacking), I actually really enjoy it. I managed to take a web design class, and the html code reminded me of C++. I really enjoyed it – I got to be artsy girl and tech geek at once! My friend Paul told me about a student job in his department with the College of Engineering. I graduated in 2002 with a B.S. in Design.

I started looking for work and a house to buy. I found a house which I bought with my mom – she had the proven income and awesome credit, I actually pay the bills. We share a split interest in it, my way of thanking her for putting me through college. I got 3 interviews and ended up with 2 part time jobs – one of them being my old student job with the College of Engineering. The other one was at a K-3rd grade elementary school as a librarian. Gee, shy quiet bookish Jenny as a librarian, what a surprise. 😛 I even had the glasses and my hair up in a bun and everything. 🙂 I did that until school ended.

I decided that trying to do a 40 hour/week job in 15 hours wasn’t good for me, so I decided to find a different second job. Which I did, but it turned out to be even worse. Mainly because I can’t stand to be paid to sit around and do nothing. I was the webmaster for a small tribal college. I would search high and low and ask everyone for stuff to do, and I’d maybe be productive for a 1/2 hour or so. I was a zombie from stress the 4 months that I worked there. Thankfully they finally managed to bump me up to full time at UC Davis.

I realized I didn’t have enough local friends to hang out with so I started making more friends by meeting people online. I’ve met some really nice people that way. I overdid things in June – too much socializing, not enough rest. And then July hit and I had no reserves. My neighbors got evicted and when another neighbor and I went to take the two kittens they had abandoned to the shelter, we found out that they had six baby kittens. The shelter was full so I ended up stuck with the 8 extra cats for a month until I found places to take them. Papa went to the shelter and Momma & babies went to the Yolo SPCA. The extra cats kicked up my allergies again, so I was feeling sick. Dad also went into the the hospital for surgery so I was worrying about that, and staying up too late and doing too much extra driving to go visit him. My back and head started hurting from all the stress. Between the exhaustion and pain I wasn’t eating much.

Quick back story, known since JC that my only pms symptom is depression (a boyfriend pointed it out). I found out early this year that Calcium, Magnesium and B6 vitamins can cure this, and for me they did.

Well, not eating enough, even though I was taking my vitamins, kicked in my pms depression on top of everything else. It was bad, and it didn’t go away when I was done being hormonal like it normally does. I realized I was trying to do too much and I needed to make some major changes to my life. I was even looking into selling my home and renting again in Davis, which seemed horrible because I love owning my home, it’s a good investment, and rent is just throwing away money. Thankfully I found a couple of really nice ladies to carpool with. I also adjusted my curfew to make sure that I get enough sleep. And I started eating better and taking St. John’s Wort. The extra cats being gone and dad going home and recovering nicely helped too.

So now I’m feeling really happy with my life, and just happy in general. I think that’s enough for now. I’ll save my personal growth stuff for tomorrow. I think this could get to be my new lunchtime activity.

9:31AM – I guess I’ll maybe sorta kinda try this out…

Well, since I really enjoyed catching up with a couple old friends by reading their blogs, and writing stuff down seems to really help clarify my thoughts, so I guess blogging will let me kill two birds with one stone. I get to update friends and vent at the same time. 🙂 And it saves me from trying to journal by hand, I type sooo much faster than I write, and my handwriting looks like a guy’s handwriting – I need to add some swoops and hearts over the i’s or something. To work with me, more later.

Current mood: awake