Tag Archives: connection

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Relationships

Everyone gets disregulated sometimes, and when we’re in a state of disregulation we are more likely to trigger old responses from Trauma or trauma.

When we’re in that state generally people can respond in one of three ways:

A supportive re-regulating way.

An unsupportive way that either doesn’t help or even worsens our disregulation.

They can get triggered too.

In a healthy relationship mostly the first happens.

The second can be dealt with by teaching new skills/responses.

The third one is the hardest to deal with. Both people need their own therapist and a couples therapist is needed to help re-regulate both during interactions. It’s a lot of painful work and most often is easier to end the relationship and find a less challenging pairing.

For those recovering from anything really, if someone doesn’t already have their own therapist/recovery group, that’s a huge red flag.

The two choices are they don’t need one, or they need one and don’t recognize it.

If they go to therapy for you instead of for themselves, that doesn’t really work.

The likelihood that they don’t need therapy is pretty slim, especially since we tend to be drawn to our counterparts or people who feel familiar. And if they are drawn to us, it’s probably the same for them.

So it’s pretty safe to assume that if they aren’t doing recovery work, that’s a huge red flag and we should run the other way and that we’re not passing up the magical unicorn that doesn’t need to do recovery work and is still interested in being our partner.

For more info read How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t With Your Kids or watch some School of Life or Heidi Priebe YouTube videos on trauma & relationships.

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Guide for online social communication

Post same amount as other people in a thread or post elsewhere (my blog is my default). Otherwise I’m probably over or under sharing and either way it confuses people more than it helps.

For social groups – don’t give information, share my experiences. If someone wants information they can ask or look around on my blog, otherwise they aren’t ready for it anyway.

Don’t post links unless someone asks for the same reasons as above, there is somewhere else for that.

Drive-by is not a method to live by. Do it well or not at all.

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Companions

The people you are doing life with.

  • Friends
  • Family
    • Biological, Genetic, of Origin
    • Legal
      • Legally adopted
      • through marriage
      • other legal methods of connection
    • Chosen
      • adopted, chosen, heart, honorary, of the heart, of choice, beloved
      • I want to add clan and tribe here, and I know they also have additional meaning that I want to explore more first, stub so I can come back to this
  • Co-workers
  • Students
  • Teachers
  • Mentors
  • Mentees
  • Clients
  • Employers
  • Community
  • Neighbors
  • Acquaintences
  • Associates
  • Fellows
  • Compadres
  • Tomodachi (Japanese)
  • Nakama (Japanese)
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Small talk scripts

We realized that the kiddo was either bursting into song or making up zany stories because they didn’t know how to respond to “What did you do yesterday/this weekend/this morning/etc.?”

So here are some options:

  • I don’t remember.
  • I can’t recall at the moment.
  • I forget.
  • Nothing interesting/too interesting/special/worth talking about.
  • Not much.
  • The usual.
  • I’m not sure, let me ask <person>/check my journal.

Follow up these types of responses with:

  • What did you <repeat their question>?
  • How about you?
  • Enough about me, what about you?

Or for people you are closer too or will interact with more often, you can use something like this instead:

  • I’d rather hear what you did.
  • Why do you ask?
  • Is it ok to skip the small talk/formalities?
  • I wonder if you’re asking to connect, and if so, can we just hug/sing a hello song/<other ritual of connection>?
  • Nothing I want to discuss, can we talk about <topic> instead?
  • Do you actually want to know or are you being polite, and if you’re being polite, can we pretend I gave a polite reply?
  • I acknowledge and accept your bid for social engagement, let’s go play!
  • Socially acceptable response of your choice.
    • The above one is best used with someone familiar as it is more flippant than polite.

Notes for NT folks, if you get an unexpected response, you have two choices: get offended or get curious. Please choose curiosity and kindness. Some options that might help:

  • Wait, I’m confused, did you hear my question?
    • Do you want help with answering it?
  • Hmm, I wonder if you are having trouble answering my question?
  • Does this mean you’re ready to get going/started/skip the small talk?
  • I feel sad/hurt/disconnected when I don’t get the expected response to my bid for connection. Is there some way you feel comfortable acknowledging that I’m trying to connect?
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Mantras, Affirmations, Quips and Koans

Jan 14, 2023

Drive-by is not a method to live by. Do a task well or not at all.

Jan 12, 2023

If you aren’t failing, you aren’t learning – try harder.

The road to success is paved with past failures.

Failure is just a new data point.

Mistakes are only wasted time if you don’t learn from them.

Sometimes you have to make a mistake 2 or 3 times to make sure it wasn’t a fluke.

Self care accountability – the only way to teach it is to model it.

Spend time to save time.

Invest up front for savings down the road.

Kaizen

Slow and steady wins the race.

Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Fall down 7 times, get up 8

8 sideways is infinity

Just keep swimming.

Self-care can increase your willpower, and you can set up systems to reduce the need to use willpower.

Everything has at least 3 steps:
Setup
Execute
Wrap up

Either track total time elapsed or estimate time and multiply by 3. For example a “5 minute” task needs a 15 minute window.

My morning dental care routine can take between 10 to 40 minutes depending on how focused I’m able to be.

Connection is the Cure

We feel lonely when we are disconnected.

Never worry alone.
If you are worrying, find someone to talk to so you can reality/fact check your worries and put them in perspective.

  • H.A.L.T.
    • Hungry
    • Angry
    • Lonely
    • Tired

Dec 5 2022:

To speed up, slow down.

Start as you intend to continue.

We are all made of stars.

To love others – I must love myself.

Practice kindness/compassion (it’s a skill, not a trait).

Success is built on a foundation of failure.

If you haven’t failed, you aren’t trying hard enough.

The only time something is a waste is if you don’t learn from it.

Better the food go to waste than it go to my waist.

Should is a social construct. It’s not real. Either we need or we want. Find the need or the want behind the “should” to transform it into a “could” or a “would”

The only thing that matters is connection.

Self-care requires being connected to ourselves.

We’re all part of the system – if we aren’t connected to ourselves, we aren’t connected to the system.

We all have intrinsic value as part of the system, no matter what other impact we may have had.

You don’t have to do something to be worthy. You do have to do something to connect.

You can’t do it alone.

The biggest and strongest will fall to the many coordinated small.

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The Secret Parenting Tricks…

They assume everyone knows, so they don’t bother to teach them!

You know that “game” where baby drops the thing, you pick it up to give it back, repeat until you want to scream and throw the thing? Well, if you don’t play or are “lucky” enough that your baby isn’t into that game…. what you may think you are teaching is that “we don’t drop things on purpose” – what you are actually teaching is that you will only connect with baby the way you want to, and not the way they want to.

So if you lack the patience, fix that. Or just remind yourself that every time baby drops it they are saying “Did you see what I did? Do you love me?” (Gottman: bid for connection) and every time you pick it up to give back you are communicating “I love you no matter what. You are worthy of my love, time and attention.”

Jack in the box/Operation/Perfection – jump scares to practice coping skills

Peek-a-boo – jump scares to practice coping skills, object permanence

Patty cake – cross body movement & coordination

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Let’s Play!

If it’s not fun, it’s hard to get done.

To link:

  • research on learning efficiency & retention – fun/rote
  • various Ted Talks and SciShow videos on game theory or gamifying work/learning/life
  • example of how to broaden connections by going deep (into special interest – fun)
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Needs

Basic human needs:

  • Clean enough air
  • Clean enough water
  • Nutritious enough food
  • Enough Movement
  • Enough Shelter/Safety
  • Enough Health care (self care)
  • Secure Attachment (connection)
  • Unconditional Love – Acceptance

I hypothesize air (oxygen to the brain) is the highest need due to oxygen being the thing we die fastest without to my current level of knowledge.

Ok, so what is clean enough Air?

Determining and communicating that is the function of the respiratory system. Ok, how do we know the system is working properly? First you have to identify the system. Done. Respiratory system. Once you understand it, you can begin to identify error conditions. Hypothesis: Mouth breathing a clear indication that there is a problem with the system. To test that, I need to understand mouth breathing.

Ok, so there is some missing info here: Mouth breathing – Wikipedia – I understand that more information exists, I’m not the repository of that information, my purpose is to find the person who does understand the information and find out how to help them share it. Is the purpose of life to seek?

5:51p

It is enough air that your most urgent need is for water.

Enough clean water is enough that your highest need is food.

Enough food is enough food that pain or suffering is the next things “distracting” (grabbing your attention) the most.

BASIC NEEDS (peprimer.com)

The Basic Needs of a Child: 9 Essential Things Every Child Needs to Thrive (selfsufficientkids.com)

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I love YOU

I hope that you also love you.

One family member says they feel three kinds of love, and often greets people, including those we’ve just met, with “I love you.”

The first is the love for everyone on the planet.

The second is for the people we know and interact with.

And the third is for close family and friends.

Another family member said they realized that if they lived in someone’s body and had that person’s experiences, then they would think/feel/act the same way the person does.

My thoughts are that we are all worthy of love, even the worst of us, maybe especially the worst of us as they need it the most.

I recently read that the only real job a parent has is to see their child and love and accept them. When we don’t receive all three of those, our most basic need for connection isn’t met.

Behavior is communication – so behavior that we don’t like is communicating that the person is hurting or struggling in some way and needs care, compassion and support.

NVC says to look for the need being expressed.

Connection is the most basic need. And the way we humans connect is by communicating. More specifically communicating that we see each other.

I see you. You’re trying so hard and wishing you could do more. I know that because otherwise you wouldn’t be here reading this and it wouldn’t be resonating with you. Know that you ARE doing more. Every action you take is a pebble thrown into water that then ripples outward, and you’ll never know how far those ripples travel or how big they’ll get if they combine with others.

These posts are my pebbles, and it’s why I’m throwing them unpolished, because they can’t make ripples until I throw them.