Tag Archives: emotions

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Relationships

Everyone gets disregulated sometimes, and when we’re in a state of disregulation we are more likely to trigger old responses from Trauma or trauma.

When we’re in that state generally people can respond in one of three ways:

A supportive re-regulating way.

An unsupportive way that either doesn’t help or even worsens our disregulation.

They can get triggered too.

In a healthy relationship mostly the first happens.

The second can be dealt with by teaching new skills/responses.

The third one is the hardest to deal with. Both people need their own therapist and a couples therapist is needed to help re-regulate both during interactions. It’s a lot of painful work and most often is easier to end the relationship and find a less challenging pairing.

For those recovering from anything really, if someone doesn’t already have their own therapist/recovery group, that’s a huge red flag.

The two choices are they don’t need one, or they need one and don’t recognize it.

If they go to therapy for you instead of for themselves, that doesn’t really work.

The likelihood that they don’t need therapy is pretty slim, especially since we tend to be drawn to our counterparts or people who feel familiar. And if they are drawn to us, it’s probably the same for them.

So it’s pretty safe to assume that if they aren’t doing recovery work, that’s a huge red flag and we should run the other way and that we’re not passing up the magical unicorn that doesn’t need to do recovery work and is still interested in being our partner.

For more info read How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t With Your Kids or watch some School of Life or Heidi Priebe YouTube videos on trauma & relationships.

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Acceptance

Accepting that toxic love is not love to hold onto is where I found relief from pain.

It acceptance feels like being bathed in balm, so peaceful and calm and serene to no longer be clinging tight to pain. Letting go is terrifying, but the freefall of freedom and uncertainty can also feel like flying with the wind brushing past you.

Buddhism books:

ACT – Acceptance & Commitment Therapy: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapy-types/acceptance-and-commitment-therapy

The Serenity Prayer: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serenity_Prayer

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Death by a thousand cuts

Trigger warning – In case the title isn’t warning enough.

Originally it was a form of torture.

It’s now also a metaphor for emotional pain.

Similar to: the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I keep coming up with different metaphors and descriptions.

One was that I’ve been walking around my whole life with my arms across my stomach holding my guts in and hiding my wounds. And I recently realized it’s not my fault I have this deep, disgusting, excruciating wound and I don’t have to protect others from knowing it exists. So now I’m walking around and my guts are hanging out (see my post on CSA – The Hidden Epidemic) but my back is straight and my arms are free.

Other times I feel like I’m walking around with all my skin flayed off and just oozing a seeping layer of blood. If people could see it, they’d ask “how are you alive?!” and “why are you not getting care and treatment?!”

I was thinking about how I’d much rather be stabbed through the heart with a sword than suffer death by a thousand cuts. Having experienced both emotionally in relationships, the latter is way worse.

It starts with a few cuts that flay off some skin. No more painful than a bad papercut or a rug burn. But they continue faster than the old ones can heal, but slow enough you can adjust to them and learn to tolerate this new baseline of pain. Especially if you’ve grown up with a massive wound overshadowing all others. Until one day you suddenly realize you’ve been flayed alive, have no skin left and have been living in pain so long you can’t recall what not being in pain was like. And then it continues only now since your skin is gone, flesh is being cut away. Until again you realize you’re one seeping walking wound head to toe. And suddenly now that you realize it, you can’t bear it anymore and scream out or collapse. And finally someone notices – but you’ll die if you don’t stop the bleeding, so they have to cauterize every inch of you. And no anesthetic exists or works. And so you have to suffer even worse pain for the sake of survival. And you have to hold still and be quiet while they cauterize the wounds or you’ll disrupt them and the scarring and residual pain will be worse.

And then when someone bumps into you and you cry because it’s just that bit too much to tolerate and they get mad that you’re overreacting or that you got blood on their shirt where they bumped you…. And you know they don’t understand. But you’re just trying to survive and don’t have the energy to educate them.

The way you survive pain like this is focusing on one step at a time, or the goal. But sometimes you need to pause and remember the whole.

Geez. No wonder I’m so tired. I guess self compassion requires a little introspection. I was forgetting my self. And the whole is overwhelming, sometimes I need to put that awareness away to function. But putting away isn’t the same as denying it exists, which is what I tried to do for a long time.

I’m sorry self, I embrace and accept you as you are.

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Scheduling grief

I didn’t think to share this on my own, one of my wonderful friends suggested it.

I was reading a book in a waiting room and got triggered and was about to break down crying.

I took a deep breath and asked myself if I could wait until a better time. I thought through the day and figured out a time when I’d have more privacy and promised myself I would come back to this and allow myself to properly grieve and that I would do it today and not forget about it or stuff it down trying to ignore it. It was just a temporary pause for a better time.

And it worked, I was calm the rest of the day and when I sat down outside the library before my next appointment when I had about 20 minutes to spare, I asked myself what had triggered that moment originally. I remembered and was right back in it but this time I just curled over my knees and cried and let it out. I think I only cried for 5 or 10 minutes so I even had time to recover afterwards before walking to my appointment.

I’m sure this trick won’t always work, and it requires you trusting yourself (or your systems – like to do lists or alarms).

And when I say I ask myself, it’s more like I ask my inner parts. Something like “Hey gang, can we hold onto this until later today? I promise I won’t forget and just stuff it down.” That’ll be fore another post on IFS – Internal Family Systems.

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Feelings/Emotions

Atlas of the Heart List of Emotions – Brené Brown (brenebrown.com)

The Gottman Institute_The Feeling Wheel_v2 by Dr. Gloria Willcox

Feeling wheel versus emotion wheel

While many researchers and therapists have adapted the wheel for their own uses, the original version of the feeling wheel (with its six core feelings) was created by Dr. Gloria Willcox in 1982.

According to many sources, Plutchik’s wheel of emotions was first proposed in 1980. The two models are similar, with the main difference being the number of core emotions in the center. Strictly speaking, Willcox’s model is the feeling wheel and Plutchik’s model is the emotion wheel.

Emotion Wheel: What it is and How to Use it to Get to Know Yourself (betterup.com)

“Emotions play out in the theater of the body. Feelings play out in the theater of the mind- Dr.Sarah Mckay Neuroscientist & Author “

Emotions play out in the theater of the body
Different Types of Emotions in Psychology – All Questions Answered (calmsage.com)

I’m don’t believe you can actually separate the mind and the body (if the mind is in the brain and the brain is part of the body) but it’s a useful concept for trying to understand them.

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Rage Inducing “Help”

I’ve been home since Jan. 3 and am finally starting to get a handle on the RAGE I felt when I got home after being “helped” – because what happened was not help cleaning up, it was taking away my agency and making decisions for me without asking me what my intentions were. And doing it in such a way that it could not be easily un-done. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, make sure you’re going the right way if you get to a one way door.

Don’t go through a one-way door unless you’re sure you never want to go back that way.

On the plus side hearing that my spouse understood it was wrong and stopped it from being worse than it was helped our relationship and to rebuild a bit of trust there.

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I Feel

I was wondering this morning why “I feel ___ when ___, I need ___.” statements are so hard to use.

My first thought was that being honest means being vulnerable – which can be very hard for many of us. I’m very open about the facts of my life, but I realize I still struggle with sharing my feelings.

Side note, I recently read something about the difference between feelings and emotions.

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Emotions, Feelings and…. Proteins? Oh my!

I found this great explanation of various theories of emotion:

List of Emotions: 271 Emotion Words (+ PDF) – The Berkeley Well-Being Institute (berkeleywellbeing.com)j

They don’t distinguish between emotions and feelings however.

This article does a great job of explaining the differences with references:

How to Measure Emotions and Feelings (And the Difference Between Them) (imotions.com)

The TLDR; is that emotions are reactions stemming from the amygdala in response to some input. Feelings are how we interpret those emotions or assign meaning to them in the prefrontal cortex.

Emotional responses last about 30-60 seconds in the body (TEDx source Mandy Saligari), feelings can cause the emotional response to get re-triggered.

According to the Gottman research it takes about 20 minutes for your system to recover completely from flooding. (add links)

Emotions we can learn to tolerate, feelings we can learn to change because they are based on our schemas/thoughts/programming/stories we tell ourselves about both the emotion and the stimulus that triggered it.

There is no such thing as a “bad” emotion. Or even negative ones. There are emotions that are unpleasant, uncomfortable, challenging, painful, hard or difficult for sure – and they all serve a purpose. Until you find and act on that, you’ll keep suffering from the emotion. It’s your body’s way of communicating with you. Learn to listen to yourself. Discover your needs. Then share them with others. They have no way of knowing otherwise.

Go watch Pixar’s movie Inside Out if you need help understanding this.