Tag Archives: feelings

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Memory Modalities

I’ve been figuring out some things about SDAM (Severely Deficient Autobiographical Memory) and some stuff about the threshold effect.

A trick I’ve started using for the threshold effect is saying out loud the thing I’m going to do/get as I cross the threshold. So not only am I thinking it, I’m also embodying it by saying it out loud and then I’m hearing it – usually in the new context.

I think that’s all the threshold effect really is, it’s a context switch. In the bathroom you remember bathroom related things, you step out and your brain no longer has that context trigger and loses access to those thoughts.

I doubt I’m the only one who has gone back and forth multiple times forgetting, going back, remembering, rinse, repeat, and again.

The other new term I’ve come across is glimmers – which is being used for when the memories being triggered are pleasurable instead of painful.

My couples therapist asked something along the lines of how do I feel loved or remember feeling loved. With the SDAM I can’t recall/remember/re-experience the feeling but I can recall/know/have the knowledge that I’ve experienced it.

I thought about it more and realized that the only time I can remember what getting married felt like was at someone else’s wedding. I would feel suffused with love and cry at every wedding.

So I can only remember in context.

I can’t imagine going to the beach or some happy place like many people do – I have to actually go and let the experience wash over me.

Often I have to force myself to go do things, but then once I do and I’m there, I’m so glad that I did. Because I can’t remember how good it felt in the past until I’m there doing it again.

I’m realizing I would use books and movies to control the context I was experiencing growing up. When I needed to cry I would re-watch Somersby. I couldn’t just let myself grieve, I had to trigger that release.

I’m working on rewiring some associations like the shower is for crying (I play a gratitude playlist now), the car and kitchen are for arguing. Changing cars might have already helped with that. Kitchen is trickier, mostly I just still avoid it.

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Perspectives

Rockbiter vs the little guys (bat and snail riders) from the never-ending story (movie).

When they first meet and Rockbiter starts eating and dropping rock “crumbs” the little guys yell and dodge.

No one is doing anything bad or trying to be mean, they’re all just trying to live.

I keep thinking of it as a metaphor for certain conflicts. The first time the conflict happens is easy to forgive.

If it happens again, the little guys either have to assume Rockbiter didn’t hear them or isn’t capable of being careful/considerate while eating.

They can choose to keep risking their lives (not a good choice, but it’s an option), to try a different way to communicate their safety needs to Rockbiter or they can avoid Rockbiter.

If they confirm that Rockbiter heard and understood, then either he can agree to change his behavior or be direct that he won’t be able to.

Which goes back to either Rockbiter changes his behavior or the little guys need to avoid Rockbiter.

None of these choices are wrong or bad. There may be unpleasant consequences of the choices like the little guys getting hurt or Rockbiter ending up lonely.

The problem occurs when the little guys don’t realize that it’s ok to choose to avoid Rockbiter. Instead they may end up feeling trapped and attacked.

Or if Rockbiter didn’t hear and doesn’t understand why the little guys are avoiding him. So he doesn’t realize that he can try to change his behavior if he wants a different outcome. Whether that means trying to learn to eat without dropping things, or moving away to have more space to eat or just warning people when he is about to eat. He might feel confused, hurt, excluded and rejected and like he has no control over how others are responding to him.

So it comes down to directly teaching active listening.

You have to listen, paraphrase what you heard/understood and then confirm if that was correct.

And then you get your turn to share and be heard.

Otherwise you can get into all sorts of conflicts when the problem is just not hearing or a misunderstanding.

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Song snippets

These were in my head after choir last night, so I tried something new. I sang them into my recorder last night instead of journally and wrote them up today.

-indicates the title

-Rumination

When you have a thought

That you just don’t want

And even your dreams it tries to haunt

Just gotta know

to let it go

It’s rumination, yeah let it go

It’s just a thought, it doesn’t have to be

hanging around, cluttering up me

Go away

Hear me say

I don’t want to think you anymore today

-Jot it down

When you have a thought, can’t let it go

Write it down and it will go

jot it out

just put it down

Put some weight down in the ground

Ground yourself

and you will see

That you will start to feel free

Just put it down and let it go

-Stuck Thoughts

Got a thought running through my head

worrying about the thing I said

don’t know why I can’t let it go

Ruminating, oh no

So when it’s time to put it down

Get some paper and write it down

Just jot it down, type it up

Draw it out, you know what?

Find a way to set it free

and let it go away from thee/me

-It’s Just a Thought

It’s just a thought

Reality is what it’s not

Just a thought

I can let go

Or make it real if I want it so

Just a thought

Just a thought

That’s all it is

It’s just a thought

Reality is what it’s not

-Disconnected

What do I feel?

I don’t know how to make it real

Somehow disconnected

Don’t know what

-Gotta Reconnect

When I’m feeling so disconnected

I just gotta reconnect

Gotta think about what the heck my body needs

My body wants

What sensation my body haunts

That’s all I gotta find out

Got reconnect without a doubt

Gotta reconnect, gotta reconnect

Yeah just gotta reconnect

Checking in

Head and neck

Shoulders and chest and back and thighs

Knees and elbows and ankles

Take a big, big sigh

Send it through, up and back

Figure out what your body needs

Checking in just to see

Do I need a drink? Do I need to eat?

Do I need to pee or take a nap?

Do I wanna hug or just to cry?

All I gotta do is just sigh.

<big breath in, sigh it out>

-Pain Song

Hello pain my old friend

I see you’re back again

What are you trying to tell me?

Practicing listening, you’ll see

Do I need a rest?

Do I need to eat?

Do I need something to feel complete?

Hello pain, listening

Tell me your story

I’ll hear you sing

Sing your song

Sung through me

Hello pain

<breathe>

-Finding a Way Past Fear

My pain tells me

who to charm

It tries to keep me safe from harm

Fight, flight, freeze and fawn

Pain helps me know which one

I gotta use to defend myself

cause I can’t rely on anybody else

wait, oh no

don’t think that’s right

I don’t think I’m alone this night

Not the only one here

Not the only one to hide in fear

We’re not alone

Just gotta breathe

Remember that we are a we

Someone else is out there too

Feeling the same way as you

Just gotta hang on

Hold on tight

Eventually it’ll turn out right

If you just keep looking

and searching on

Reaching out

For that helping arm

holding out the helping hand

that is what

is in the plan

Just gotta search and reach it out

grasp that hand so they’ll pull you out

of the stark pit that’s full of fear

and pain and sorrow and not much cheer

You just gotta go

Keep on

eventually, it’ll come

-Titrate Your Pain

You got to titrate your pain

When you’re caught in the rain

And you just don’t know when

you’ll feel pleasure again

Just let it come out, bit by bit

Just enough so you’re not overwhelmed by it.

That’s what it takes to let it go

To let your tears safely flow

Just gotta titrate it out

Bit by bit

That’s how you can let go of it

-I’ll Be Alright

Gotta be free

Gotta move on

Gotta let it

Out in a song

Gotta let go

Gotta just know

I’ll be all right

If I say so

I’ll be all right

Yes, I’ll be all right

Because I say so

I’ll be all right

-Ask For Help

Ask for help

People don’t know that it’s hard for me

To ask for help

No one can read your mind

So ask for help

It’s okay to let people know

You need some help

So just ask for help

That’s how you help yourself

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Relationships

Everyone gets disregulated sometimes, and when we’re in a state of disregulation we are more likely to trigger old responses from Trauma or trauma.

When we’re in that state generally people can respond in one of three ways:

A supportive re-regulating way.

An unsupportive way that either doesn’t help or even worsens our disregulation.

They can get triggered too.

In a healthy relationship mostly the first happens.

The second can be dealt with by teaching new skills/responses.

The third one is the hardest to deal with. Both people need their own therapist and a couples therapist is needed to help re-regulate both during interactions. It’s a lot of painful work and most often is easier to end the relationship and find a less challenging pairing.

For those recovering from anything really, if someone doesn’t already have their own therapist/recovery group, that’s a huge red flag.

The two choices are they don’t need one, or they need one and don’t recognize it.

If they go to therapy for you instead of for themselves, that doesn’t really work.

The likelihood that they don’t need therapy is pretty slim, especially since we tend to be drawn to our counterparts or people who feel familiar. And if they are drawn to us, it’s probably the same for them.

So it’s pretty safe to assume that if they aren’t doing recovery work, that’s a huge red flag and we should run the other way and that we’re not passing up the magical unicorn that doesn’t need to do recovery work and is still interested in being our partner.

For more info read How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t With Your Kids or watch some School of Life or Heidi Priebe YouTube videos on trauma & relationships.

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Acceptance

Accepting that toxic love is not love to hold onto is where I found relief from pain.

It acceptance feels like being bathed in balm, so peaceful and calm and serene to no longer be clinging tight to pain. Letting go is terrifying, but the freefall of freedom and uncertainty can also feel like flying with the wind brushing past you.

Buddhism books:

ACT – Acceptance & Commitment Therapy: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapy-types/acceptance-and-commitment-therapy

The Serenity Prayer: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serenity_Prayer

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Feelings/Emotions

Atlas of the Heart List of Emotions – Brené Brown (brenebrown.com)

The Gottman Institute_The Feeling Wheel_v2 by Dr. Gloria Willcox

Feeling wheel versus emotion wheel

While many researchers and therapists have adapted the wheel for their own uses, the original version of the feeling wheel (with its six core feelings) was created by Dr. Gloria Willcox in 1982.

According to many sources, Plutchik’s wheel of emotions was first proposed in 1980. The two models are similar, with the main difference being the number of core emotions in the center. Strictly speaking, Willcox’s model is the feeling wheel and Plutchik’s model is the emotion wheel.

Emotion Wheel: What it is and How to Use it to Get to Know Yourself (betterup.com)

“Emotions play out in the theater of the body. Feelings play out in the theater of the mind- Dr.Sarah Mckay Neuroscientist & Author “

Emotions play out in the theater of the body
Different Types of Emotions in Psychology – All Questions Answered (calmsage.com)

I’m don’t believe you can actually separate the mind and the body (if the mind is in the brain and the brain is part of the body) but it’s a useful concept for trying to understand them.