Tag Archives: linkshare

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Parenting

See other parenting related posts.

Some more recent realizations and resources I’ve found:

I’m sure everyone hears the advice about sleeping when the baby sleeps, and that absolutely won’t be possible for everyone. The part no one mentions is that if you can’t sleep because you can’t fall asleep – ask your doctor about post partum anxiety.

If you can’t sleep because things need to get done – if at all possible ask for or accept more help – let someone do the dishes while you nap with the baby. Let the laundry pile up more than you like. Eat using compostable plates and utensils. Whatever you have to do to survive.

The terrible sleep deprivation does eventually get better.

Does parenting get easier? Not really. Mostly it just keeps changing. But specific things often get better but then get replaced with something else.

When the baby is eating (nursing/bottle) – look at them and talk to them about it. Explain that they’re hungry and eating is what you do to fuel your body. Tell them how much you love them and how amazing they are.

You’re teaching them to understand and respect their body cues. That mealtime is a great time to converse and connect. That eye contact helps you connect. That they are interesting and worth your attention.

Speaking as an autistic mom with an autistic kid, these are skills neither of us learned and while we have ways of compensating and coping, our lives would be easier if we could consistently notice when we’re hungry.

I think I mostly read and texted while nursing until the kid wouldn’t nurse during the day anymore because everything else was more interesting.

I don’t think we played much patty-cake (more eye contact, connection, cross body coordination and motor skills) or peekaboo (teaching them to tolerate/enjoy surprise, patience, trust that people come back) either.

Narrate everything you do including the why.

Elimination communication is worth the effort to be done with diapers asap. Even if you only do it part time.

Sign language is also worth the effort to avoid the screaming frustration of knowing what they want but not being able to say it. Just learn one a day or a week, just search for a new word to learn. It’s amazing the difference it can make knowing a few signs like: milk, more, done, potty/toilet, home, go. Especially things that you might not run through at first (basics like food/water/potty/sleep) such as play, book, ball, colors, want, hurts.

Everything else, just keep trying things until you find what works for you, your child and your family. Keep reaching out and asking for help and support. You and they are worth it.

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Body Autonomy vs. Vaccinations

If your kid has a hard time with getting a shot, how do you square that with teaching them body autonomy?

What we’ve done is focused on your autonomy ends where another body begins.

If you need to spin around with your arms out – that’s fine. But you have to do it where you have space to not whack into someone else, because then you’re not respecting their body.

Vaccines might be trickier to understand for kids. But your right to go out in public and spread germs and avoid a shot ends where infants, old people, immuno-compromised and allergic folks are risking death because you couldn’t tolerate getting a shot.

It’s totally fine to cry and say you hate getting shots. It’s fine to ask for help with your anxiety. It’s not fine to just avoid it.

Here’s some of the things we’ve tried:

As an infant, nursing during or immediately after to soothe.

Spreading out the shots so there were no more than 2 per appointment even if that meant going back in two weeks for an extra appointment.

Having the kid sit on a lap and get squeezy hugs.

Using a blindfold or hat pulled down over the eyes so they couldn’t see.

Breathing practice.

Reading books about it or social stories.

Playing pretend of it (practicing what will happen & what we’ll do). You can try to get really accurate using a cold wet wipe on the arm and something to gently poke with like a pen or knitting needle.

Getting our own shot beforehand so they could see what happens.

Listening to music.

Using Buzzy Bee

Wearing a tank top so they don’t have to feel their sleeve being pulled up.

Having the nurse/doctor show them the needle (what you imagine is often scarier than reality). “Oh, that’s really small.”

Bringing our own preferred bandages.

Treats afterwards to celebrate their bravery and good dead.

Agreeing to pamper them for a couple days after while their arm is sore.

Talk about how they’re literally being a hero and saving lives.

Listening and validation their feelings about getting shots. (It’s scary, it hurts, I’m mad that I have to do it, I’m frustrated & disappointed they haven’t made nasal sprays for everything already. It’s annoying that it keeps hurting.)

Getting anxiety treatment/therapy.

Brushing protocol with an occupatinal therapist to help reduce sensory sensitivity.

This was what we tried and I’m sure there are other strategies out there as well. Just continuing to try to improve the experience and listening to your kid is a good way to reinforce that you’re trying to respect their body as much as possible – without risking other people’s lives.

We also talked about how in extremes, not respecting other people’s autonomy will result in losing ours. For example, adults who commit assault go to jail and lose their autonomy & freedom.

Even if getting a shot is super painful and we get miserably sick for a week every time – those are still temporary. Death is not. And while most often you don’t know who you’ve killed with your germs and you can live in ignorant bliss, sometimes you do – a baby cousin, a beloved grandparent. And you can’t undo what you did, you would just have to live with the regret.

A really informative video about vaccines and the (lack of) risk.

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The Hidden Epidemic

It’s estimated that childhood sexual abuse (CSA) affects 1 in 5 children ages 0-17.

Which means 1 in 5 adults is a survivor of CSA.

CSA is traumatic even if you don’t remember it.

And anyone thinking 0 year old babies aren’t at risk – we know I was assualted by a grandparent when I was 1 something. We don’t know if that’s when it started or just when I was able to verbalize it.

Why am I telling you this?

Because prevention is the cure. And to prevent the problem you have to be aware of it. And if no one talks about it, how can anyone be aware?

Also – it was NOT MY FAULT. And I have NOTHING to be ashamed of.

And neither do you. It’s ok to cry. Better to process the grief than to turn it inward or lash outward.

Ok, so now what? If you’re a survivor – get trauma treatment. Regular therapy most likely won’t help.

If you’re a parent – educate yourself and your kids about consent, body autonomy, tricky people and bad secrets.

Stranger danger isn’t a thing. Strangers are EMTs and store clerks and firefighters who you’ll rarely interact with and will usually be perfectly safe doing so, possibly even life saving.

Tricky people who don’t respect body autonomy and ask kids to keep bad secrets are the dangers. And they’re usually (around 90% of the time) family or friends or other people who aren’t strangers – like some priests and coaches. Just like most kidnappings and Amber Alerts are due to non-custodial parents taking the kid(s), not strangers.

Resources:

Books for adults about trauma:

Books for kids I own:

Books I plan to look into:

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Things I’ve Shared

For the hard path we’re walking.

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Relationships

Things I wish I’d known earlier in life:

Here’s one from the School of Life relationship playlist I especially like:

Quite a few of the School of Life videos reference ideas that come from the Gottman research. While I tried to apply the Gottman research to my relationships, I now realize that my unaddressed cPTSD/attachment trauma was getting in the way.

School of Life relationship playlist:

Patrick Teahan on relationships:

Crappy Childhood Fairy on relationships:

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Feelings/Emotions

Atlas of the Heart List of Emotions – Brené Brown (brenebrown.com)

The Gottman Institute_The Feeling Wheel_v2 by Dr. Gloria Willcox

Feeling wheel versus emotion wheel

While many researchers and therapists have adapted the wheel for their own uses, the original version of the feeling wheel (with its six core feelings) was created by Dr. Gloria Willcox in 1982.

According to many sources, Plutchik’s wheel of emotions was first proposed in 1980. The two models are similar, with the main difference being the number of core emotions in the center. Strictly speaking, Willcox’s model is the feeling wheel and Plutchik’s model is the emotion wheel.

Emotion Wheel: What it is and How to Use it to Get to Know Yourself (betterup.com)

“Emotions play out in the theater of the body. Feelings play out in the theater of the mind- Dr.Sarah Mckay Neuroscientist & Author “

Emotions play out in the theater of the body
Different Types of Emotions in Psychology – All Questions Answered (calmsage.com)

I’m don’t believe you can actually separate the mind and the body (if the mind is in the brain and the brain is part of the body) but it’s a useful concept for trying to understand them.

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Conversations

My initial thought was that there were mainly two types of conversation. One where the person just wants to be heard and the other where there is a further purpose, like problem solving or asking for help. I think most of these ones listed below fall into the second category where there is a purpose beyond needing to express yourself and be heard.

Reference:

In The Patterns of Effective Conversation, Dave Pollard lists ten generic purposes of conversation.

The list below is an adaptation of his list, in which I have modified or expanded some of the descriptions and added additional items:

Real conversation serves one or more of the following purposes:

  1. Information: to obtain, surface, or convey information or understanding of facts (know-what), processes (know-how), or contacts (know-who). To learn from each other.
  2. Sense-making: to make sense of something (beyond just obtaining facts), especially a complex issue.
  3. Perspectives or viewpoints: to obtain different points of view or gain consensus
  4. Change: to challenge and shift someone’s viewpoint or intentions (mine or others’)
  5. Ideas: to generate ideas, surface and imagine possibilities
  6. Collaboration: to enable the effective production of some shared work-product
  7. Deepening or creation of relationships: to connect with other people, to build relationships
  8. Entertainment or fun: to have fun, banter, gossip, flirt
  9. Recognition, attention, or reputation: to obtain it or offer it
  10. Appreciation, empathy, or reassurance: to get it or offer it
  11. Decision making: to make decisions
  12. Problem-solving: to solve problems or figure out how best to respond to them
  13. Reveal problems: to reveal hidden issues or unintended consequences of our actions
  14. Search for opportunities: to search for opportunities.
The purposes of conversation | Conversational Leadership (conversational-leadership.net)
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Using the Restroom

Bio break, relieving yourself, whatever you want to call it.

Is it bad to hold your pee? – Heba Shaheed – YouTube TLDR: It can be.

Instead of asking if someone needs to use the bathroom, try asking if they can try to empty their bladders (hint – your kidneys are always working, so the answer will always be that there was at least something in their bladder, even if they weren’t feeling the urge to go).

Good explanations of why you should empty your bladder now instead of later? This bathroom is much nicer than the one at <location> or we’ll be traveling and stopping to find one later will be hard or might make you miss out on part of <activities>.

After using the toilet, make sure to wash your hands!