Tag Archives: PSA

Public Service Announcement

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Relationships

Everyone gets disregulated sometimes, and when we’re in a state of disregulation we are more likely to trigger old responses from Trauma or trauma.

When we’re in that state generally people can respond in one of three ways:

A supportive re-regulating way.

An unsupportive way that either doesn’t help or even worsens our disregulation.

They can get triggered too.

In a healthy relationship mostly the first happens.

The second can be dealt with by teaching new skills/responses.

The third one is the hardest to deal with. Both people need their own therapist and a couples therapist is needed to help re-regulate both during interactions. It’s a lot of painful work and most often is easier to end the relationship and find a less challenging pairing.

For those recovering from anything really, if someone doesn’t already have their own therapist/recovery group, that’s a huge red flag.

The two choices are they don’t need one, or they need one and don’t recognize it.

If they go to therapy for you instead of for themselves, that doesn’t really work.

The likelihood that they don’t need therapy is pretty slim, especially since we tend to be drawn to our counterparts or people who feel familiar. And if they are drawn to us, it’s probably the same for them.

So it’s pretty safe to assume that if they aren’t doing recovery work, that’s a huge red flag and we should run the other way and that we’re not passing up the magical unicorn that doesn’t need to do recovery work and is still interested in being our partner.

For more info read How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t With Your Kids or watch some School of Life or Heidi Priebe YouTube videos on trauma & relationships.

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Only the good die young

I wonder how old that saying is?

How long have we known what science only recently figured out?

Here’s how it works: stress hormones suppress the immune system.

The immune system doesn’t just fight off disease. It also cleans up dead, dying, misbehaving and malfunctioning cells.

That means a properly functioning immune system prevents cancer and autoimmune diseases.

There are three ways of dealing with stress.

  • The healthy way.
  • Explode outward.
  • Turn it inward.

The third one results in people pleasers who are too nice for their own good – literally.

The first two both release stress. The third lives with chronic low levels of stress suppressing their immune system.

In Gabor Mate’s book The Myth of Normal it talks about nurses accurately predicting ALS diagnosis based on how nice the person was.

Folks with autoimmune issues talk about “flares” when symptoms flare up after over exertion. The interesting thing is that it happens after – the increased stress during over exertion temporarily suppresses symptoms. When the stress and accompanying hormones decrease and the immune system ramps back up, either ignored issues get addressed or symptoms that were there before but you had acclimated to have to be readjusted to.

So either problems piled up and your immune system has to pull out the big guns or the temporary relief from symptoms reminds you how bad things actually always are and a “flare” is just how long it takes you to readjust/dissociate again.

I like to use the metaphor of shoes sometimes. You put them on in the morning and they fit fine. You walk and stand all day. Maybe they’re a little tired. You finally take off your shoes and it’s such a relief! If you have to put them back on for some reason, now they’re too tight and it really hurts. The thing is, they were too tight and painful before you took them off, you just didn’t notice because you slowly adjusted to it. Even if your feet suddenly swelled – that’s your immune system kicking in and trying to repair things.

I’ve been told that you can actually lose about 70% function in some cases before you start feeling pain.

Human bodies are amazingly resilient and redundant.

Books

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Body Autonomy vs. Vaccinations

If your kid has a hard time with getting a shot, how do you square that with teaching them body autonomy?

What we’ve done is focused on your autonomy ends where another body begins.

If you need to spin around with your arms out – that’s fine. But you have to do it where you have space to not whack into someone else, because then you’re not respecting their body.

Vaccines might be trickier to understand for kids. But your right to go out in public and spread germs and avoid a shot ends where infants, old people, immuno-compromised and allergic folks are risking death because you couldn’t tolerate getting a shot.

It’s totally fine to cry and say you hate getting shots. It’s fine to ask for help with your anxiety. It’s not fine to just avoid it.

Here’s some of the things we’ve tried:

As an infant, nursing during or immediately after to soothe.

Spreading out the shots so there were no more than 2 per appointment even if that meant going back in two weeks for an extra appointment.

Having the kid sit on a lap and get squeezy hugs.

Using a blindfold or hat pulled down over the eyes so they couldn’t see.

Breathing practice.

Reading books about it or social stories.

Playing pretend of it (practicing what will happen & what we’ll do). You can try to get really accurate using a cold wet wipe on the arm and something to gently poke with like a pen or knitting needle.

Getting our own shot beforehand so they could see what happens.

Listening to music.

Using Buzzy Bee

Wearing a tank top so they don’t have to feel their sleeve being pulled up.

Having the nurse/doctor show them the needle (what you imagine is often scarier than reality). “Oh, that’s really small.”

Bringing our own preferred bandages.

Treats afterwards to celebrate their bravery and good dead.

Agreeing to pamper them for a couple days after while their arm is sore.

Talk about how they’re literally being a hero and saving lives.

Listening and validation their feelings about getting shots. (It’s scary, it hurts, I’m mad that I have to do it, I’m frustrated & disappointed they haven’t made nasal sprays for everything already. It’s annoying that it keeps hurting.)

Getting anxiety treatment/therapy.

Brushing protocol with an occupatinal therapist to help reduce sensory sensitivity.

This was what we tried and I’m sure there are other strategies out there as well. Just continuing to try to improve the experience and listening to your kid is a good way to reinforce that you’re trying to respect their body as much as possible – without risking other people’s lives.

We also talked about how in extremes, not respecting other people’s autonomy will result in losing ours. For example, adults who commit assault go to jail and lose their autonomy & freedom.

Even if getting a shot is super painful and we get miserably sick for a week every time – those are still temporary. Death is not. And while most often you don’t know who you’ve killed with your germs and you can live in ignorant bliss, sometimes you do – a baby cousin, a beloved grandparent. And you can’t undo what you did, you would just have to live with the regret.

A really informative video about vaccines and the (lack of) risk.

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The Hidden Epidemic

It’s estimated that childhood sexual abuse (CSA) affects 1 in 5 children ages 0-17.

Which means 1 in 5 adults is a survivor of CSA.

CSA is traumatic even if you don’t remember it.

And anyone thinking 0 year old babies aren’t at risk – we know I was assualted by a grandparent when I was 1 something. We don’t know if that’s when it started or just when I was able to verbalize it.

Why am I telling you this?

Because prevention is the cure. And to prevent the problem you have to be aware of it. And if no one talks about it, how can anyone be aware?

Also – it was NOT MY FAULT. And I have NOTHING to be ashamed of.

And neither do you. It’s ok to cry. Better to process the grief than to turn it inward or lash outward.

Ok, so now what? If you’re a survivor – get trauma treatment. Regular therapy most likely won’t help.

If you’re a parent – educate yourself and your kids about consent, body autonomy, tricky people and bad secrets.

Stranger danger isn’t a thing. Strangers are EMTs and store clerks and firefighters who you’ll rarely interact with and will usually be perfectly safe doing so, possibly even life saving.

Tricky people who don’t respect body autonomy and ask kids to keep bad secrets are the dangers. And they’re usually (around 90% of the time) family or friends or other people who aren’t strangers – like some priests and coaches. Just like most kidnappings and Amber Alerts are due to non-custodial parents taking the kid(s), not strangers.

Resources:

Books for adults about trauma:

Books for kids I own:

Books I plan to look into:

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Communicating Stress Levels

I struggle with cPTSD. This is a way I found to communicate with my partner about my status so they can be more considerate without getting triggered themselves.

It’s like living in bear country. People who don’t live in bear country don’t worry about bears at all. I’m always at some level of alertness/activation if I’m not in my safe space.

bear country – I have to be alert for signs of bear, so I can’t be totally relaxed.
bear tracks – I’m relieved the bear isn’t around but disappointed to see its tracks.
audible something – My attention is split trying to figure out if what I’m hearing is a bear.
audible bear – My attention is on the audible bear to make sure it’s not coming closer.
visible bear – Even more focused on the bear and being prepared to move away.
approaching bear – I’m trying to move away from the bear and get safe
charging bear – I’m running away trying to get safe
bear attack – I’m no longer functional (may go non-verbal, etc.)

If you get between me and the bear you’re increasing the danger level for me since I can’t see it. If you don’t move when I ask then I’ll need to move. If you follow me and block my view again then you start to become a bear yourself. If a bear is too close I might become a bear myself in defense.

It has really helped reduce the amount of defensiveness and triggering. I don’t have to explain if they are the bear, I’m the bear or something else entirely (headache, etc.) – I just say “bear” and they give me space.

This is just a metaphor for communication about the sympathetic nervous system and how activated it is — also referred to as being flooded, triggered or dysregulated.

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Things I’ve Shared

For the hard path we’re walking.

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Feelings/Emotions

Atlas of the Heart List of Emotions – Brené Brown (brenebrown.com)

The Gottman Institute_The Feeling Wheel_v2 by Dr. Gloria Willcox

Feeling wheel versus emotion wheel

While many researchers and therapists have adapted the wheel for their own uses, the original version of the feeling wheel (with its six core feelings) was created by Dr. Gloria Willcox in 1982.

According to many sources, Plutchik’s wheel of emotions was first proposed in 1980. The two models are similar, with the main difference being the number of core emotions in the center. Strictly speaking, Willcox’s model is the feeling wheel and Plutchik’s model is the emotion wheel.

Emotion Wheel: What it is and How to Use it to Get to Know Yourself (betterup.com)

“Emotions play out in the theater of the body. Feelings play out in the theater of the mind- Dr.Sarah Mckay Neuroscientist & Author “

Emotions play out in the theater of the body
Different Types of Emotions in Psychology – All Questions Answered (calmsage.com)

I’m don’t believe you can actually separate the mind and the body (if the mind is in the brain and the brain is part of the body) but it’s a useful concept for trying to understand them.

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Finding a Good Therapist

Finding a therapist is pretty straightforward, for example you can use a site like:

Find a Therapist, Psychologist, Counselor – Psychology Today

Or follow instructions on who to call like these:

Finding a Mental Health Professional | NAMI

The harder part is figuring out if the therapist is actually helping you.

I only recently learned that they should be giving you homework – like something to practice or a question to think about.

You should feel safe and comfortable with them.
If you don’t feel that way with any person, then you might consider finding someone you’re willing to explore and address that with despite how you initially feel. You could also try a group setting where you can listen and learn or watch videos or read books to get started on healing.

Even there you should get actionable items to work on. For example, all the various 12 step groups have you work the steps of the program. This video mentions starting with breathwork which there a lots of different videos you can look through to find one that works for you. I try to do box breathing daily, especially while driving or other tasks like that. Books like Parenting From the Inside Out by Dan Siegel also give end of chapter activities to try.

If you’re just paying someone to listen to you vent, they aren’t doing a good job. They should listen to you vent sure, but then they should be asking good questions. How or why did you end up in that situation? What do you wish you had done and what stopped you? What do you want to do in future situations like that, and what do you need to be able to do that?

I once had a therapist cancel me as a client because “It seemed I had nothing to work on and was just venting which I should do with friends.” – I went along with it, but many years later I realized that the therapist didn’t ask if I HAD friends I felt I could talk about this stuff with or WHY I wasn’t talking about it with my friends. I knew I needed help, I just didn’t know what I needed and didn’t realize that my therapist wasn’t skilled at figuring it out either.

Another therapist I fired after realizing I was only ever venting about one topic again but not being given any actionable feedback on how to change my own behavior to affect that relationship and the venting was just bringing me down.

One I had to stop seeing because driving there after work ended up being so tiring I couldn’t think or talk about anything else by the time I got there. Thank goodness for all the remote options we have now!

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Using the Restroom

Bio break, relieving yourself, whatever you want to call it.

Is it bad to hold your pee? – Heba Shaheed – YouTube TLDR: It can be.

Instead of asking if someone needs to use the bathroom, try asking if they can try to empty their bladders (hint – your kidneys are always working, so the answer will always be that there was at least something in their bladder, even if they weren’t feeling the urge to go).

Good explanations of why you should empty your bladder now instead of later? This bathroom is much nicer than the one at <location> or we’ll be traveling and stopping to find one later will be hard or might make you miss out on part of <activities>.

After using the toilet, make sure to wash your hands!

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Hydration

Figure out if your sense of thirst works (part of interoception). If you can go hours without getting thirsty, it might not be working so well.

If your “thirsty don’t work” then building in a hydration habit is important to avoid dehydration.

Ted Ed: What would happen if you didn’t drink water? – Mia Nacamulli – YouTube

Habits: https://youtu.be/PZ7lDrwYdZc 
Effective practice: https://youtu.be/f2O6mQkFiiw

Water | Bunny’s Info-Dump (sweetpeastudio.biz)

Water Calculator: Water Intake Calculator – How much water should you drink per day? (gigacalculator.com)