Greetings Scripts

This started with a Bored Panda post.

How are you?

  • Acceptable.
  • Satisfactory.
  • Good for certain definitions of good.
  • Functioning.
  • Functional.
  • Upright and active.
  • Could be worse.
  • Still processing.
  • I’ll let you know later.
  • I don’t know, haven’t had my caffeine/coffee/tea/etc. yet.
  • Too tired to talk.
  • Still asleep.
  • I’m not all here yet.
  • I’m sleepwalking.
  • Do you want the standard answer or the real answer?
  • Do you really want to know?
  • Imagine I used the socially acceptable response of your choice.
  • Still on this side of the dirt.
  • Vertical and ventilating.
  • Alive and breathing.
  • Still surviving.
  • You don’t want to know.
  • Hanging in.
  • Hanging on.
  • Dressed and vertical.
  • Upright and taking in nutrition.
  • Up and not crying.

Followed by:

  • How are you?
  • And you?
  • Hope you’re doing well?
  • Thanks for asking.
  • I need to go.
  • Please excuse me.
  • Nice to see you, I must be off.

The classic exchange goes along the lines of:

  • Person A: How are you?
  • Person B: I’m good thanks, how are you?
  • Person A: I’m good too thanks.

Then either move into more conversation or move along.

  • Person A or B: Since you’re here, I’ve been meaning to talk about…
  • Person A or B: It was nice to see you, I have to get going.

The initial exchange gives both parties a chance to feel out the other person to see if they are in a good place physically/mentally to talk or a way to signal that the relationship is valued even though they are not able to talk/connect at the time.

If we were computers it would be the handshake protocol before transferring data packets.

The purpose of asking “how are you” is context based.

  • Public/community/work/school
    • confirms/reinforces social constructs
    • allows signaling of status (regulated/dysregulated) prior to further interaction
  • therapist/doctor
    • request for information
  • friends/family
    • can be either depending on the situation – one on one vs. group interactions, close groups vs casual groups
    • confirms/reinforces social constructs
    • allows signaling of status (regulated/dysregulated) prior to interaction
    • request for information
    • offer of support

3 choices

If you haven’t reduced down to three choices, you haven’t understood the question/task well enough to identify the first three choices.

Many of them come down to:

Unwilling

Unable (willing or not, this is more obvious though if willingness is there)

Doing – choosing

So the first step with any problem is to understand it well enough to figure out which of those three applies. And often once you do you can either:

Set a boundary (be assertive): I will not.

Set a boundary and ask for help: I am unable without support, and I am willing to explore options.

Confirm and agree: If I’m understanding, this is what you want me to do, and if that is correct, I am willing and believe I am able to do so.

Boundary scripts

Talking with someone about setting boundaries with their mom.

I’m writing this stuff out because I need to practice boundaries as well, so thinking things like this out helps me practice.

Scripts:

“Mom, do not ask for a sleepover again. <Child> has already said no. If they changes their mind we’ll let you know. If you can’t respect our boundaries, we’ll have to leave and visit another day.”

Then if mom brings it up again – “Ok mom, we’re leaving now, see you later.”

If she asks why:

“It’s time for us to go.”

“We can discuss it later.”

“You sound <emotion/feeling>, we need to go now, let’s get in touch over the phone when we get home.”

Explaining invites argument. It’s not your fault if your parent can’t recall the boundary you set. It is your fault if you don’t hold your boundary. When they are upset is not the time to remind them. When you’re both calm getting them in writing might be helpful.

More self-care scripts (originally devised in collaboration with and for my own progeny):

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/14t_WNNYpqguyGjk2Zp9UfcrMYqyqOIJhhy3GUmMqBVE/edit?usp=sharing

 

 

Bath

Observations – grimy sensation on skin or body
Hypothesis – this is a quiet ask for attention or care
Experiment – take a bath or shower
Observe results:
Conclusion:

Bath

  • Step 1 – notice the body asking
  • Step 2 – check the schedule or with someone who knows it
  • Step 3 – decide which task is more important & urgent #IaU

Shower

How to talk so we can understand

Connection is the purpose of life.

To connect we have to understand each other.

To understand each other we need to be able to focus and listen.

To focus and listen we need to care for our bodies and our health.

To care for our health we need air, water, food, sleep. To care for our health we have to listen to our bodies and connect with them first.

If we aren’t regulated, that means we haven’t cared for our body and the amygdala is in control to keep us safe.

If the amygdala is in control, we need to correct that.

Once that is corrected, things that help up remember how to focus and listen:

Raise your hand and wait to be called on to speak.

Once you start speaking hold up one finger so the other person(s) can tell if you just paused to gather your thoughts.

Before moving on to ask a new question, reflect back what the other person communicated to be sure you’re in alignment.

Start with something that lets the person know you are checking:

So what I’m hearing (different people have different hearing, could mishear) is…..

So what I think you’re saying is……

Correct me if I’m wrong, you…..

Small talk scripts

We realized that the kiddo was either bursting into song or making up zany stories because they didn’t know how to respond to “What did you do yesterday/this weekend/this morning/etc.?”

So here are some options:

  • I don’t remember.
  • I can’t recall at the moment.
  • I forget.
  • Nothing interesting/too interesting/special/worth talking about.
  • Not much.
  • The usual.
  • I’m not sure, let me ask <person>/check my journal.

Follow up these types of responses with:

  • What did you <repeat their question>?
  • How about you?
  • Enough about me, what about you?

Or for people you are closer too or will interact with more often, you can use something like this instead:

  • I’d rather hear what you did.
  • Why do you ask?
  • Is it ok to skip the small talk/formalities?
  • I wonder if you’re asking to connect, and if so, can we just hug/sing a hello song/<other ritual of connection>?
  • Nothing I want to discuss, can we talk about <topic> instead?
  • Do you actually want to know or are you being polite, and if you’re being polite, can we pretend I gave a polite reply?
  • I acknowledge and accept your bid for social engagement, let’s go play!
  • Socially acceptable response of your choice.
    • The above one is best used with someone familiar as it is more flippant than polite.

Notes for NT folks, if you get an unexpected response, you have two choices: get offended or get curious. Please choose curiosity and kindness. Some options that might help:

  • Wait, I’m confused, did you hear my question?
    • Do you want help with answering it?
  • Hmm, I wonder if you are having trouble answering my question?
  • Does this mean you’re ready to get going/started/skip the small talk?
  • I feel sad/hurt/disconnected when I don’t get the expected response to my bid for connection. Is there some way you feel comfortable acknowledging that I’m trying to connect?

Mantras, Affirmations, Quips and Koans

Jan 14, 2023

Drive-by is not a method to live by. Do a task well or not at all.

Jan 12, 2023

If you aren’t failing, you aren’t learning – try harder.

The road to success is paved with past failures.

Failure is just a new data point.

Mistakes are only wasted time if you don’t learn from them.

Sometimes you have to make a mistake 2 or 3 times to make sure it wasn’t a fluke.

Self care accountability – the only way to teach it is to model it.

Spend time to save time.

Invest up front for savings down the road.

Kaizen

Slow and steady wins the race.

Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Fall down 7 times, get up 8

8 sideways is infinity

Just keep swimming.

Self-care can increase your willpower, and you can set up systems to reduce the need to use willpower.

Everything has at least 3 steps:
Setup
Execute
Wrap up

Either track total time elapsed or estimate time and multiply by 3. For example a “5 minute” task needs a 15 minute window.

My morning dental care routine can take between 10 to 40 minutes depending on how focused I’m able to be.

Connection is the Cure

We feel lonely when we are disconnected.

Never worry alone.
If you are worrying, find someone to talk to so you can reality/fact check your worries and put them in perspective.

  • H.A.L.T.
    • Hungry
    • Angry
    • Lonely
    • Tired

Dec 5 2022:

To speed up, slow down.

Start as you intend to continue.

We are all made of stars.

To love others – I must love myself.

Practice kindness/compassion (it’s a skill, not a trait).

Success is built on a foundation of failure.

If you haven’t failed, you aren’t trying hard enough.

The only time something is a waste is if you don’t learn from it.

Better the food go to waste than it go to my waist.

Should is a social construct. It’s not real. Either we need or we want. Find the need or the want behind the “should” to transform it into a “could” or a “would”

The only thing that matters is connection.

Self-care requires being connected to ourselves.

We’re all part of the system – if we aren’t connected to ourselves, we aren’t connected to the system.

We all have intrinsic value as part of the system, no matter what other impact we may have had.

You don’t have to do something to be worthy. You do have to do something to connect.

You can’t do it alone.

The biggest and strongest will fall to the many coordinated small.

Community Code of Conduct Templates

The folks at How to ADHD created an excellent welcome and code of conduct for their Discord server (seriously worth the $2 a month on Patreon!) and said I was welcome to create a generic template from it. I think it can be useful for any community that wants to welcome diversity and especially neurodiversity. Modify at least the parts inside <brackets> and more as is appropriate for your use.

Welcome section:

Hello <greeting of choice>! Welcome to the <community name> Discord!

This is a community for <describe community>. <Encouragement to read the whole thing. Ex. We know this looks like a lot but bear with us!>

Here, you’ll have the opportunity to connect with <community> from <locations, e.g. all over the world> and talk about <topic> in a shame-free environment.

On the <community name> Discord Server,

  • We believe that Neurodiversity is real;
  • We believe mental health is important;
  • We believe connecting with others in an authentic manner brings greater understanding;
  • We believe in creating an inclusive environment in which everyone has the opportunity to connect with others in the community.

What Can You Expect?

It’s important to be inclusive, show mutual respect for each other’s limits, limitations, and differences, and be trauma informed (don’t worry, we’ll explain). We have created a Code of Conduct to help facilitate this. It applies not only to our members, but our team members as well, in order to provide as safe a place as we can to accommodate as many needs as we can. We expect some mistakes and we encourage learning from them in a way that is healthy, not shameful, because we all make mistakes. While there are times we have to instaban people for the safety of our community, that is very rare, <reassuring/encouraging statement, e.g. this is a really great community and we’re excited to have you be part of it!>

How We Mod:

Our Moderators are here to help you meet our Code of Conduct (so you can be part of our <description> community!). They may reach out to you via DM/Pings regardless of chosen communication preferences in order to do that by providing reminders, clarification, and/or reasonable accommodations if needed. Their goal is to help you have a positive experience on the server and connect you with the community. One way we do this is by providing channels like ask-a-mod if you have any questions but don’t know where to go! We also give the mods the ability to mute, which allows them time to review & handle a given situation while keeping the community safe. At the same time, they are just as human, and additionally they are all volunteers. As such, we can’t promise they won’t miss things or always be available to step in (or provide everybody with every possible accommodation).

What Is Trauma Informed?

As a trauma informed community in which potentially triggering topics are discussed, we encourage you to step away at any point as needed and come back when you feel ready to, even if you’re in conversation with a mod (even if you are a mod!) Because we’re all in different places on our <descripton e.g. mental health> journey and we all have bad days, we’ve created a Code of Conduct with baseline expectations <descriptive term, e.g. standards> as well as aspirational ones <descriptive term, e.g. stars>. While we’d <expression of want/hope, e.g. love> for you to <reference attempting to meet aspirations, e.g. shoot for the Stars>, it is a requirement to adhere to our Standards to be on our server. If you disagree with any of these things, this community may not be a good fit for you. Also, there are limits to how much we are able to accommodate individual needs, especially with a volunteer staff. As much as we wish everyone could find the connection they’re looking for here, our goal is to serve the entire community and we ultimately reserve the right to remove users who cause our community and/or team to feel unsafe and/or harmed.

<humorous encouragement to continue>

Code of Conduct

  • We use welcoming, encouraging language.
    • Standard: We do our best to avoid language that is criticizing, blaming, nagging, punishing, shaming, controlling, patronizing, or infantilizing — if we catch ourselves using such language or a mod reaches out and asks us to edit it, we edit it.
    • Star: We use welcoming/caring language: supporting, encouraging, listening, accepting, respecting, negotiating differences, loving, joining, praising, friendship, understanding, and/or validating.
  • <rating conduct if applicable
    We keep content rated PG-13. We move rated R content to a NSFW channel. Rated X we take off this server.
    • Standard:
      • We refrain from posting images/videos/links of NSFW (not safe for work) content. We minimize sharing details in non-NSFW channels.
      • When discussing mature topics(rated R) or graphic details, we use the appropriate NSFW channel. (If we don’t realize a topic is NSFW and are directed to by a mod, we move the topic to the NSFW channel).
      • NSFW being: . (1) Sex; . (2) Graphic details regarding abuse, violence, or medical procedures; and . (3) Discussion/support regarding drug/alcohol addiction struggles. (Looking for peer support is fine; actively encouraging or promoting the abuse of drugs & alcohol is not.) (Note: You must be 18+ to access NSFW. If we learn a user accessing NSFW is under 18, their NSFW access will be removed, and a No NSFW lock will be provided via a No NSFW role.)
    • Star:• We check in to make sure others are comfortable with the conversation even in NSFW channels. We take mature topics to a DM with those interested (and of age) if not and/or if there is a need or desire to go into more detail.
      >
  • We make space for each other and treat each other with respect (even when we have differing perspectives).
    • Standard:
      • We refrain from attacking, demeaning, dismissing, harassing, or threatening each other. This includes: Bullying, bigotry, hate speech, harmful trolling, doxing, physical threats, personal attacks, telling people that their lived experience is wrong, and shaming others for their choice in treatment.
      • We do not attack, demean or dismiss anyone based on their: sex, gender, sexual orientation, romantic orientation, race, ethnicity (or culture), neurodiversity, mental health, physical health, religion, or political alignment. (Discussion of discriminatory practices is not considered political.)
      • We also do not attack, demean or dismiss anyone for not sharing our perspective on something or adhering to our particular values or social standards.
      • We refrain from attacking or criticizing someone for their choice of words. If something someone says breaks a rule, seems intentionally malicious, or is otherwise problematic in nature, we alert the Mod Team, who will review the situation.
    • Star:
      • We make space for others to share their personal experiences. We speak to our own experiences and express curiosity and a willingness to learn about the experiences of others.
      • If we see someone is reluctant to talk or struggling to break into the conversation, we (gently) invite them to talk and ask questions that may help ease them into the conversation, and respect if they don’t want to.
      • In the event of conflict, we assume good intent and if possible, ask for clarification in a way that’s respectful and non-judgmental.
      • We recognize that different people have different communication styles and different humor styles and make space for that as well (within the confines of our Code of Conduct). When asked what we mean, we provide honest clarification.
  • We call people what they asked to be called.
    • Standard:
      • We call people by their stated names/pronouns/identities. We respectfully (without making it a big deal) ask others to update their message if a dead-name or incorrect pronoun is used (yours or someone else’s). If someone respectfully asks you to update an incorrect name or pronoun in your message, kindly take the note & edit the message when you’re able. (Note: Accidentally using an incorrect name or pronoun is not considered breaking the rule. Being disrespectful about being asked to update the incorrect name/pronoun is.)
      • We do not correct people on their usage of their own names/pronouns/identities. If someone prefers to be called autistic or “has autism,” it’s the brain owner’s choice; the same goes for “Aspergers” vs “ASD” and “ADD” vs “ADHD”. We do not berate, criticise, or otherwise demean others who are struggling to remember a stated name/pronoun/identity. If we have concerns that continued use of incorrect names/pronouns/identities are malicious, we let a mod know.
    • Star:
      • Be curious about someone’s personal experience and diverse perspectives (and how it might impact their ADHD!), and listen with the intent to learn, not judge or compare. Be respectful if they choose not to share. If you are concerned you may be asking a personal question, request permission prior to asking.
      • If someone expresses curiosity about why some people may not like a certain term, we work to educate them respectfully. If afterwards they still continue to use the label they are comfortable with for themselves, we respect their choice.
  • We respect, but are not responsible for, each other’s limits and limitations. We also respect our own limits and limitations.
    • Standard:
      • We refrain from forcing members to adhere to our limits and/or limitations, and from dismissing someone else’s limits and/or limitations. Communicate your limits and/or limitations respectfully. Refrain from arguing or fighting each other (including our mods) or shaming someone for struggling with something you think they “should” be able to do.
      • If someone has pinged/DM’d outside of our preferences, and we wish to address it, we respectfully let the person know about our preferences. We avoid repeatedly pinging/DM’ing someone against their preferences. If you have a concern regarding something another member has said or done please reach out to a moderator.
    • Star:
      • We check someone’s roles to see what their ping and/or DM preferences are before pinging or DMing them.
      • We consider googling and self-educating about the struggles of marginalized communities rather than asking someone of that demographic to explain the struggles of their entire demographic.
      • If you are at your limit and aware that you might bring the mood down or lash out, consider going to our support or rant channel, or walking away for a set period of time that works best for you.
      • Reach out to our mod team for help when you aren’t sure how to get your server needs met. We may have some ideas or accommodations that may help!
  • We maintain a trauma informed environment. (1/2
    • Standard (1/2):
      • In order to facilitate these conversation while still keeping our server safe for others, we use NSFW channels and spoiler tags when talking about the following: (1) rape/sexual assault, (2) graphic violence, (3) graphic medical topics, and (4) suicide/self-harm and avoid talking about plan specifics or methodology. If we are asked to add spoiler tags to our messages containing any of these topics, then we spoiler tag the entire message.
      • Refrain from disrespecting, making fun of, or otherwise dismissing someone’s trauma (including their triggers). Refrain from forcing others to share, respect if they do not wish to disclose their experience.
      • While it is not others’ responsibility to avoid your particular triggers, if you feel someone is purposefully bringing up your triggers to harm you please reach out to a moderator as this would be considered harassment.
    • Standard (2/2):
      • We refrain from catastrophizing the lives of others, in other words: we do not bring up a worst case scenario to someone about their own life unless it has a high probability and is being brought up with the intent of actively preparing for it (AND if they have asked for it). If we are asked to edit or remove a catastrophizing message, we edit or remove it. (Forgetting to spoiler tag or accidentally catastrophizing does not break a rule – refusing to edit or remove a message when asked by a moderator is.)
    • Star:
      • Take the time to check out resources on trauma. Replace language such as “what’s wrong with you?” with “would you consider sharing what happened to you?” We ask if it’s okay to share about our traumatic experiences, disclose our own experiences as we feel able and safe to, and check in to see if people are comfortable with the level at which we are sharing (to avoid trauma dumping.)
      • If you’re feeling triggered, step away. If there is a part of the server that is too triggering for you, consider muting it or asking a moderator for help with finding an accommodation.
  • We provide our own experiences rather than provide direct advice.
    • Standard:
      • When someone asks about different medical treatments and therapies, we stick to speaking about our own experiences (keeping in mind experiences may differ greatly between individual people). If we do provide more than our experience we share resources, strategies, and ideas without giving direct advice. We can say things like “a lot of people with ADHD find this helpful,” “I find this helpful,” “this was a strategy Jessica shared on the channel,” “here are a few resources that might help,” just no direct advice that’s specific to them.
      • We avoid providing direct advice (both medical and generalised) that is specific to that person — if we do and we’re asked to remove it, we remove it. (For example: Describing your experience is okay; advising someone take very specific and direct action is not.)
    • Star:
      • We also disclose that everyone is different, and that your experience does not necessarily mean they will experience the same thing.
      • Considering asking questions, like “What has worked for you?”, “What didn’t work for you?”, etc, to support them in coming up with their own solutions.
  • We let the Mods do the modding as they have the training to do so. We respect moderator decisions and their time. If you do not agree with a decision, respectfully bring it to <mod/server manager>
    • Standard:
      • Refrain from arguing with the moderators and/or engaging the moderators in lengthy discussions. If you do feel something needs to be reviewed please bring it up respectfully to <mod/server manager>.
        (Please note disagreeing and bringing it up respectfully is not breaking the rule, actively attacking and/or fighting the team is.)
      • If you notice someone isn’t following a rule please refrain from correcting community members, instead, please briefly share your concerns with a moderator.
    • Star:
      • If you have a concern or disagree with something the moderators have done please respectfully reach out – we are happy to discuss a situation and listen to concerns. (We may not always be able to go into detail, but we will do our best to provide an adequate answer for our decision.)
  • Discord ToS & Guidelines
    Please note that Discord ToS & Discord Community Guidelines also apply: https://discord.com/termshttps://discord.com/guidelines .
  • Disclaimer
    • The <community name> Discord server is for those interested in <topic> to connect with each other, and is not a replacement for <relevant professionals>. Our team members are not trained professionals.
    • In order to protect our community, we reserve the right to delete messages that are actively suicidal. <action(s) that will be taken if any, e.g. If that is the case, we will provide crisis resources via DM, so that a trained professional with proper resources and tools can provide the help needed.> If you or someone you know is actively in a crisis and need immediate help please read this PDF: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1ENf-1z0Dy4_SgabKngnZh-QmGaYtRIKd/view
      For a list of some International hotlines please refer to this document: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1MBzdcTBcrRO2lMn8HlsNZ_scbhPN4Yaz3gcEohYJonk/edit?usp=sharing
  • Channel-Specific Standards
    Once you’ve gained access, you will also find channel-specific standards in these channels:
    • promote-a-thing – For promotion standards regarding <types of promotion, e.g. self-promotion, discord invites, and research survey requests.> (Opt-In to see this channel via the “Promotion Sharing” role in roles.)
    • <if relevant: meet-the-team – For standards regarding DMing/Pinging team members.>

<Recognition/praise, e.g. You did it! Great job!> <acknowledgement/appreciation, e.g. We know it was a lot.> Go ahead and check the done box! In order to open up the rest of the server, please react below in order to verify! (It looks like this: ✅!) <welcoming phrase, e.g. We can’t wait to meet you!> After this, you’re free to head over to roles and pick your roles, including what chats you want to opt into, notification preferences, ping/DM preferences, and more!

Reaction not working? Confused on what to do next? Feel free to ask a mod for help!