Tag Archives: scripts

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Parenting Scripts

I’ve know for a long time to avoid “don’t/do not” this explains it a little better: Parenting Expert: ‘Do Not’ Doesn’t Work with Toddlers – Tinybeans

I think it keeps mattering because it’s easy to miss the “don’t” and only hear the rest. Plus it’s amazing how many ways people can follow directions while still not doing what you want.

Instead of ….. Try …..

Don’t run! – Walking feet! Walk please.

Don’t yell! – Inside voice. Quieter please. Lets turn down the volume.

Don’t go <place>! – Come back here. Stay right there.

Don’t climb/wiggle/stand/kneel on your chair. – Sit on your butt please.

Don’t touch that/things! – Hands together please. Keep your hands on your knees. Let’s try sitting on your hands.

Don’t <do this thing> without me! – Wait for me please.

Don’t <do this thing> without permission. – Ask permission and wait for an answer before you <do this thing>.

Don’t leave <thing> <wrong place>! – Pick up <thing> and put it <right place>.

Don’t forget <action/item>. – Remember <action/item>!

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Greetings Scripts

This started with a Bored Panda post.

How are you?

  • Acceptable.
  • Satisfactory.
  • Good for certain definitions of good.
  • Functioning.
  • Functional.
  • Upright and active.
  • Could be worse.
  • Still processing.
  • I’ll let you know later.
  • I don’t know, haven’t had my caffeine/coffee/tea/etc. yet.
  • Too tired to talk.
  • Still asleep.
  • I’m not all here yet.
  • I’m sleepwalking.
  • Do you want the standard answer or the real answer?
  • Do you really want to know?
  • Imagine I used the socially acceptable response of your choice.
  • Still on this side of the dirt.
  • Vertical and ventilating.
  • Alive and breathing.
  • Still surviving.
  • You don’t want to know.
  • Hanging in.
  • Hanging on.
  • Dressed and vertical.
  • Upright and taking in nutrition.
  • Up and not crying.

Followed by:

  • How are you?
  • And you?
  • Hope you’re doing well?
  • Thanks for asking.
  • I need to go.
  • Please excuse me.
  • Nice to see you, I must be off.

The classic exchange goes along the lines of:

  • Person A: How are you?
  • Person B: I’m good thanks, how are you?
  • Person A: I’m good too thanks.

Then either move into more conversation or move along.

  • Person A or B: Since you’re here, I’ve been meaning to talk about…
  • Person A or B: It was nice to see you, I have to get going.

The initial exchange gives both parties a chance to feel out the other person to see if they are in a good place physically/mentally to talk or a way to signal that the relationship is valued even though they are not able to talk/connect at the time.

If we were computers it would be the handshake protocol before transferring data packets.

The purpose of asking “how are you” is context based.

  • Public/community/work/school
    • confirms/reinforces social constructs
    • allows signaling of status (regulated/dysregulated) prior to further interaction
  • therapist/doctor
    • request for information
  • friends/family
    • can be either depending on the situation – one on one vs. group interactions, close groups vs casual groups
    • confirms/reinforces social constructs
    • allows signaling of status (regulated/dysregulated) prior to interaction
    • request for information
    • offer of support
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3 choices

If you haven’t reduced down to three choices, you haven’t understood the question/task well enough to identify the first three choices.

Many of them come down to:

Unwilling

Unable (willing or not, this is more obvious though if willingness is there)

Doing – choosing

So the first step with any problem is to understand it well enough to figure out which of those three applies. And often once you do you can either:

Set a boundary (be assertive): I will not.

Set a boundary and ask for help: I am unable without support, and I am willing to explore options.

Confirm and agree: If I’m understanding, this is what you want me to do, and if that is correct, I am willing and believe I am able to do so.

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Boundary scripts

Talking with someone about setting boundaries with their mom.

I’m writing this stuff out because I need to practice boundaries as well, so thinking things like this out helps me practice.

Scripts:

“Mom, do not ask for a sleepover again. <Child> has already said no. If they changes their mind we’ll let you know. If you can’t respect our boundaries, we’ll have to leave and visit another day.”

Then if mom brings it up again – “Ok mom, we’re leaving now, see you later.”

If she asks why:

“It’s time for us to go.”

“We can discuss it later.”

“You sound <emotion/feeling>, we need to go now, let’s get in touch over the phone when we get home.”

Explaining invites argument. It’s not your fault if your parent can’t recall the boundary you set. It is your fault if you don’t hold your boundary. When they are upset is not the time to remind them. When you’re both calm getting them in writing might be helpful.

More self-care scripts (originally devised in collaboration with and for my own progeny):

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/14t_WNNYpqguyGjk2Zp9UfcrMYqyqOIJhhy3GUmMqBVE/edit?usp=sharing

 

 

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Bath

Observations – grimy sensation on skin or body
Hypothesis – this is a quiet ask for attention or care
Experiment – take a bath or shower
Observe results:
Conclusion:

Bath

  • Step 1 – notice the body asking
  • Step 2 – check the schedule or with someone who knows it
  • Step 3 – decide which task is more important & urgent #IaU

Shower

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How to talk so we can understand

Connection is the purpose of life.

To connect we have to understand each other.

To understand each other we need to be able to focus and listen.

To focus and listen we need to care for our bodies and our health.

To care for our health we need air, water, food, sleep. To care for our health we have to listen to our bodies and connect with them first.

If we aren’t regulated, that means we haven’t cared for our body and the amygdala is in control to keep us safe.

If the amygdala is in control, we need to correct that.

Once that is corrected, things that help up remember how to focus and listen:

Raise your hand and wait to be called on to speak.

Once you start speaking hold up one finger so the other person(s) can tell if you just paused to gather your thoughts.

Before moving on to ask a new question, reflect back what the other person communicated to be sure you’re in alignment.

Start with something that lets the person know you are checking:

So what I’m hearing (different people have different hearing, could mishear) is…..

So what I think you’re saying is……

Correct me if I’m wrong, you…..

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Small talk scripts

We realized that the kiddo was either bursting into song or making up zany stories because they didn’t know how to respond to “What did you do yesterday/this weekend/this morning/etc.?”

So here are some options:

  • I don’t remember.
  • I can’t recall at the moment.
  • I forget.
  • Nothing interesting/too interesting/special/worth talking about.
  • Not much.
  • The usual.
  • I’m not sure, let me ask <person>/check my journal.

Follow up these types of responses with:

  • What did you <repeat their question>?
  • How about you?
  • Enough about me, what about you?

Or for people you are closer too or will interact with more often, you can use something like this instead:

  • I’d rather hear what you did.
  • Why do you ask?
  • Is it ok to skip the small talk/formalities?
  • I wonder if you’re asking to connect, and if so, can we just hug/sing a hello song/<other ritual of connection>?
  • Nothing I want to discuss, can we talk about <topic> instead?
  • Do you actually want to know or are you being polite, and if you’re being polite, can we pretend I gave a polite reply?
  • I acknowledge and accept your bid for social engagement, let’s go play!
  • Socially acceptable response of your choice.
    • The above one is best used with someone familiar as it is more flippant than polite.

Notes for NT folks, if you get an unexpected response, you have two choices: get offended or get curious. Please choose curiosity and kindness. Some options that might help:

  • Wait, I’m confused, did you hear my question?
    • Do you want help with answering it?
  • Hmm, I wonder if you are having trouble answering my question?
  • Does this mean you’re ready to get going/started/skip the small talk?
  • I feel sad/hurt/disconnected when I don’t get the expected response to my bid for connection. Is there some way you feel comfortable acknowledging that I’m trying to connect?
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Mantras, Affirmations, Quips and Koans

Jan 14, 2023

Drive-by is not a method to live by. Do a task well or not at all.

Jan 12, 2023

If you aren’t failing, you aren’t learning – try harder.

The road to success is paved with past failures.

Failure is just a new data point.

Mistakes are only wasted time if you don’t learn from them.

Sometimes you have to make a mistake 2 or 3 times to make sure it wasn’t a fluke.

Self care accountability – the only way to teach it is to model it.

Spend time to save time.

Invest up front for savings down the road.

Kaizen

Slow and steady wins the race.

Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Fall down 7 times, get up 8

8 sideways is infinity

Just keep swimming.

Self-care can increase your willpower, and you can set up systems to reduce the need to use willpower.

Everything has at least 3 steps:
Setup
Execute
Wrap up

Either track total time elapsed or estimate time and multiply by 3. For example a “5 minute” task needs a 15 minute window.

My morning dental care routine can take between 10 to 40 minutes depending on how focused I’m able to be.

Connection is the Cure

We feel lonely when we are disconnected.

Never worry alone.
If you are worrying, find someone to talk to so you can reality/fact check your worries and put them in perspective.

  • H.A.L.T.
    • Hungry
    • Angry
    • Lonely
    • Tired

Dec 5 2022:

To speed up, slow down.

Start as you intend to continue.

We are all made of stars.

To love others – I must love myself.

Practice kindness/compassion (it’s a skill, not a trait).

Success is built on a foundation of failure.

If you haven’t failed, you aren’t trying hard enough.

The only time something is a waste is if you don’t learn from it.

Better the food go to waste than it go to my waist.

Should is a social construct. It’s not real. Either we need or we want. Find the need or the want behind the “should” to transform it into a “could” or a “would”

The only thing that matters is connection.

Self-care requires being connected to ourselves.

We’re all part of the system – if we aren’t connected to ourselves, we aren’t connected to the system.

We all have intrinsic value as part of the system, no matter what other impact we may have had.

You don’t have to do something to be worthy. You do have to do something to connect.

You can’t do it alone.

The biggest and strongest will fall to the many coordinated small.