Tag Archives: SEL

Social Emotional Learning aka Emotional Intelligence aka Social Skills

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Parenting

See other parenting related posts.

Some more recent realizations and resources I’ve found:

I’m sure everyone hears the advice about sleeping when the baby sleeps, and that absolutely won’t be possible for everyone. The part no one mentions is that if you can’t sleep because you can’t fall asleep – ask your doctor about post partum anxiety.

If you can’t sleep because things need to get done – if at all possible ask for or accept more help – let someone do the dishes while you nap with the baby. Let the laundry pile up more than you like. Eat using compostable plates and utensils. Whatever you have to do to survive.

The terrible sleep deprivation does eventually get better.

Does parenting get easier? Not really. Mostly it just keeps changing. But specific things often get better but then get replaced with something else.

When the baby is eating (nursing/bottle) – look at them and talk to them about it. Explain that they’re hungry and eating is what you do to fuel your body. Tell them how much you love them and how amazing they are.

You’re teaching them to understand and respect their body cues. That mealtime is a great time to converse and connect. That eye contact helps you connect. That they are interesting and worth your attention.

Speaking as an autistic mom with an autistic kid, these are skills neither of us learned and while we have ways of compensating and coping, our lives would be easier if we could consistently notice when we’re hungry.

I think I mostly read and texted while nursing until the kid wouldn’t nurse during the day anymore because everything else was more interesting.

I don’t think we played much patty-cake (more eye contact, connection, cross body coordination and motor skills) or peekaboo (teaching them to tolerate/enjoy surprise, patience, trust that people come back) either.

Narrate everything you do including the why.

Elimination communication is worth the effort to be done with diapers asap. Even if you only do it part time.

Sign language is also worth the effort to avoid the screaming frustration of knowing what they want but not being able to say it. Just learn one a day or a week, just search for a new word to learn. It’s amazing the difference it can make knowing a few signs like: milk, more, done, potty/toilet, home, go. Especially things that you might not run through at first (basics like food/water/potty/sleep) such as play, book, ball, colors, want, hurts.

Everything else, just keep trying things until you find what works for you, your child and your family. Keep reaching out and asking for help and support. You and they are worth it.

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Perspectives

Rockbiter vs the little guys (bat and snail riders) from the never-ending story (movie).

When they first meet and Rockbiter starts eating and dropping rock “crumbs” the little guys yell and dodge.

No one is doing anything bad or trying to be mean, they’re all just trying to live.

I keep thinking of it as a metaphor for certain conflicts. The first time the conflict happens is easy to forgive.

If it happens again, the little guys either have to assume Rockbiter didn’t hear them or isn’t capable of being careful/considerate while eating.

They can choose to keep risking their lives (not a good choice, but it’s an option), to try a different way to communicate their safety needs to Rockbiter or they can avoid Rockbiter.

If they confirm that Rockbiter heard and understood, then either he can agree to change his behavior or be direct that he won’t be able to.

Which goes back to either Rockbiter changes his behavior or the little guys need to avoid Rockbiter.

None of these choices are wrong or bad. There may be unpleasant consequences of the choices like the little guys getting hurt or Rockbiter ending up lonely.

The problem occurs when the little guys don’t realize that it’s ok to choose to avoid Rockbiter. Instead they may end up feeling trapped and attacked.

Or if Rockbiter didn’t hear and doesn’t understand why the little guys are avoiding him. So he doesn’t realize that he can try to change his behavior if he wants a different outcome. Whether that means trying to learn to eat without dropping things, or moving away to have more space to eat or just warning people when he is about to eat. He might feel confused, hurt, excluded and rejected and like he has no control over how others are responding to him.

So it comes down to directly teaching active listening.

You have to listen, paraphrase what you heard/understood and then confirm if that was correct.

And then you get your turn to share and be heard.

Otherwise you can get into all sorts of conflicts when the problem is just not hearing or a misunderstanding.

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Relationships

Everyone gets disregulated sometimes, and when we’re in a state of disregulation we are more likely to trigger old responses from Trauma or trauma.

When we’re in that state generally people can respond in one of three ways:

A supportive re-regulating way.

An unsupportive way that either doesn’t help or even worsens our disregulation.

They can get triggered too.

In a healthy relationship mostly the first happens.

The second can be dealt with by teaching new skills/responses.

The third one is the hardest to deal with. Both people need their own therapist and a couples therapist is needed to help re-regulate both during interactions. It’s a lot of painful work and most often is easier to end the relationship and find a less challenging pairing.

For those recovering from anything really, if someone doesn’t already have their own therapist/recovery group, that’s a huge red flag.

The two choices are they don’t need one, or they need one and don’t recognize it.

If they go to therapy for you instead of for themselves, that doesn’t really work.

The likelihood that they don’t need therapy is pretty slim, especially since we tend to be drawn to our counterparts or people who feel familiar. And if they are drawn to us, it’s probably the same for them.

So it’s pretty safe to assume that if they aren’t doing recovery work, that’s a huge red flag and we should run the other way and that we’re not passing up the magical unicorn that doesn’t need to do recovery work and is still interested in being our partner.

For more info read How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t With Your Kids or watch some School of Life or Heidi Priebe YouTube videos on trauma & relationships.

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Acceptance

Accepting that toxic love is not love to hold onto is where I found relief from pain.

It acceptance feels like being bathed in balm, so peaceful and calm and serene to no longer be clinging tight to pain. Letting go is terrifying, but the freefall of freedom and uncertainty can also feel like flying with the wind brushing past you.

Buddhism books:

ACT – Acceptance & Commitment Therapy: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapy-types/acceptance-and-commitment-therapy

The Serenity Prayer: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serenity_Prayer

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Communicating Stress Levels

I struggle with cPTSD. This is a way I found to communicate with my partner about my status so they can be more considerate without getting triggered themselves.

It’s like living in bear country. People who don’t live in bear country don’t worry about bears at all. I’m always at some level of alertness/activation if I’m not in my safe space.

bear country – I have to be alert for signs of bear, so I can’t be totally relaxed.
bear tracks – I’m relieved the bear isn’t around but disappointed to see its tracks.
audible something – My attention is split trying to figure out if what I’m hearing is a bear.
audible bear – My attention is on the audible bear to make sure it’s not coming closer.
visible bear – Even more focused on the bear and being prepared to move away.
approaching bear – I’m trying to move away from the bear and get safe
charging bear – I’m running away trying to get safe
bear attack – I’m no longer functional (may go non-verbal, etc.)

If you get between me and the bear you’re increasing the danger level for me since I can’t see it. If you don’t move when I ask then I’ll need to move. If you follow me and block my view again then you start to become a bear yourself. If a bear is too close I might become a bear myself in defense.

It has really helped reduce the amount of defensiveness and triggering. I don’t have to explain if they are the bear, I’m the bear or something else entirely (headache, etc.) – I just say “bear” and they give me space.

This is just a metaphor for communication about the sympathetic nervous system and how activated it is — also referred to as being flooded, triggered or dysregulated.

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Things I’ve Shared

For the hard path we’re walking.

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Relationships

Things I wish I’d known earlier in life:

Here’s one from the School of Life relationship playlist I especially like:

Quite a few of the School of Life videos reference ideas that come from the Gottman research. While I tried to apply the Gottman research to my relationships, I now realize that my unaddressed cPTSD/attachment trauma was getting in the way.

School of Life relationship playlist:

Patrick Teahan on relationships:

Crappy Childhood Fairy on relationships:

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Feelings/Emotions

Atlas of the Heart List of Emotions – Brené Brown (brenebrown.com)

The Gottman Institute_The Feeling Wheel_v2 by Dr. Gloria Willcox

Feeling wheel versus emotion wheel

While many researchers and therapists have adapted the wheel for their own uses, the original version of the feeling wheel (with its six core feelings) was created by Dr. Gloria Willcox in 1982.

According to many sources, Plutchik’s wheel of emotions was first proposed in 1980. The two models are similar, with the main difference being the number of core emotions in the center. Strictly speaking, Willcox’s model is the feeling wheel and Plutchik’s model is the emotion wheel.

Emotion Wheel: What it is and How to Use it to Get to Know Yourself (betterup.com)

“Emotions play out in the theater of the body. Feelings play out in the theater of the mind- Dr.Sarah Mckay Neuroscientist & Author “

Emotions play out in the theater of the body
Different Types of Emotions in Psychology – All Questions Answered (calmsage.com)

I’m don’t believe you can actually separate the mind and the body (if the mind is in the brain and the brain is part of the body) but it’s a useful concept for trying to understand them.

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Parenting Scripts

I’ve know for a long time to avoid “don’t/do not” this explains it a little better: Parenting Expert: ‘Do Not’ Doesn’t Work with Toddlers – Tinybeans

I think it keeps mattering because it’s easy to miss the “don’t” and only hear the rest. Plus it’s amazing how many ways people can follow directions while still not doing what you want.

Instead of ….. Try …..

Don’t run! – Walking feet! Walk please.

Don’t yell! – Inside voice. Quieter please. Lets turn down the volume.

Don’t go <place>! – Come back here. Stay right there.

Don’t climb/wiggle/stand/kneel on your chair. – Sit on your butt please.

Don’t touch that/things! – Hands together please. Keep your hands on your knees. Let’s try sitting on your hands.

Don’t <do this thing> without me! – Wait for me please.

Don’t <do this thing> without permission. – Ask permission and wait for an answer before you <do this thing>.

Don’t leave <thing> <wrong place>! – Pick up <thing> and put it <right place>.

Don’t forget <action/item>. – Remember <action/item>!

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Finding a Good Therapist

Finding a therapist is pretty straightforward, for example you can use a site like:

Find a Therapist, Psychologist, Counselor – Psychology Today

Or follow instructions on who to call like these:

Finding a Mental Health Professional | NAMI

The harder part is figuring out if the therapist is actually helping you.

I only recently learned that they should be giving you homework – like something to practice or a question to think about.

You should feel safe and comfortable with them.
If you don’t feel that way with any person, then you might consider finding someone you’re willing to explore and address that with despite how you initially feel. You could also try a group setting where you can listen and learn or watch videos or read books to get started on healing.

Even there you should get actionable items to work on. For example, all the various 12 step groups have you work the steps of the program. This video mentions starting with breathwork which there a lots of different videos you can look through to find one that works for you. I try to do box breathing daily, especially while driving or other tasks like that. Books like Parenting From the Inside Out by Dan Siegel also give end of chapter activities to try.

If you’re just paying someone to listen to you vent, they aren’t doing a good job. They should listen to you vent sure, but then they should be asking good questions. How or why did you end up in that situation? What do you wish you had done and what stopped you? What do you want to do in future situations like that, and what do you need to be able to do that?

I once had a therapist cancel me as a client because “It seemed I had nothing to work on and was just venting which I should do with friends.” – I went along with it, but many years later I realized that the therapist didn’t ask if I HAD friends I felt I could talk about this stuff with or WHY I wasn’t talking about it with my friends. I knew I needed help, I just didn’t know what I needed and didn’t realize that my therapist wasn’t skilled at figuring it out either.

Another therapist I fired after realizing I was only ever venting about one topic again but not being given any actionable feedback on how to change my own behavior to affect that relationship and the venting was just bringing me down.

One I had to stop seeing because driving there after work ended up being so tiring I couldn’t think or talk about anything else by the time I got there. Thank goodness for all the remote options we have now!