Scheduling grief

I didn’t think to share this on my own, one of my wonderful friends suggested it.

I was reading a book in a waiting room and got triggered and was about to break down crying.

I took a deep breath and asked myself if I could wait until a better time. I thought through the day and figured out a time when I’d have more privacy and promised myself I would come back to this and allow myself to properly grieve and that I would do it today and not forget about it or stuff it down trying to ignore it. It was just a temporary pause for a better time.

And it worked, I was calm the rest of the day and when I sat down outside the library before my next appointment when I had about 20 minutes to spare, I asked myself what had triggered that moment originally. I remembered and was right back in it but this time I just curled over my knees and cried and let it out. I think I only cried for 5 or 10 minutes so I even had time to recover afterwards before walking to my appointment.

I’m sure this trick won’t always work, and it requires you trusting yourself (or your systems – like to do lists or alarms).

And when I say I ask myself, it’s more like I ask my inner parts. Something like “Hey gang, can we hold onto this until later today? I promise I won’t forget and just stuff it down.” That’ll be fore another post on IFS – Internal Family Systems.

Start!

Connection is the purpose.

Steps to waking up (booting up system: human brain)

Sleep – Tend to my health, wellness and self, sleep is when the brain heals, cleans and repairs itself.

Wake up – naturally or with gentle alarm

Any medications needed and protein shake.

Light exposure – morning routine

Be – Choose to exist with love.

Oxygen – Breathe deep & slow – TULT – Tongue Up, Lips Together (tongue up in suction hold position)

Me – Ground myself, identify who I choose to be.

Self-care routine: check Habitica (set up challenge so others can use? – Possible Patreon request)

Systems check, update as needed.

From Habitica Dailies 10/5/2024:
Trust the system – The most urgent and important task I am responsible for right now is to regulate and care for myself (mind & body) so I can co-regulate with my child and model healthy self-care and authenticity for my child.
The system doesn’t work if I don’t use the system.
Connection is the purpose of life, Kindness leads to connection – Model self-love, care and curiosity. It’s the only way to teach others.
I love me.

From Habitica Dailies 1/9/2023:
Trust the system – My only job is to regulate and care for my body so I can be calm and focused for my child until they can do it for themself.
The system doesn’t work if I don’t use the system.
Connection is the purpose of life, Kindness leads to connection – Model self-love, care and curiosity. It’s the only way to teach others.

Dec 20 2022 log

Be.
Oxygen.
Me.
Sleep.
Systems check.

If the above isn’t enough, then I don’t understand something, because if I understood, it would be easy. So if it’s hard, I’m not following my focus.

Dec 19 2022 log:

I choose to live intentionally.

To be intentional, I need to be present (I need to human).

To be human is to be curious.

Curiosity is the drive to understand.

To understand I choose to use the scientific method.

Nov 26 2022 Log:

My intention is to care.

Every moment I am not making a choice, I’m running on automatic. If I don’t like the outcome, I have to change the programming. The only way to change the programming is with time and repetition. So anytime I notice I’m not actively choosing, I need to pause and check in.

Check in:
With my body first – hunger, thirst, other signals (pain!). Notice each signal. Make a decision, take action.
Ex. I used the bathroom, had a drink and have some aches between my shoulders. I notice I’m sitting, so I’ll try standing.
Standing and shoulder blade squeezes helped.
Think of what I am doing right now.
I am documenting. That includes distractions and what to do about them. To do that I need to focus. So I’m also practicing focus.

My spouse tapped my shoulder and I smiled automatically with happiness. It was worth doing, so it’s worth documenting. I’m grateful that a simple touch that took longer to write about than to do has brought me joy.

I notice my phone buzzing – that’s the system. Trust the system.

I checked my reminders and rescheduled them (timed snooze).


What am I doing right now? If it is worth doing, it is worth doing to the best of my momental ability (my best at that exact moment in time, not previous best or future best – according to my child). To do something to the best of my ability that means I need to focus on it fully. If something is distracting me, I need to decide if that thing is something I need to address first or add to the queue. Keep repeating until I find the thing that is most important. Keep bringing myself back to it (junebugging) until I’ve completed it to the point that the next item becomes more important.

One way to tell if I’m done with something is if I consider how my future self might react. Any moment that I am humaning well (being a functional deliberate human, vs a human animal running on autopilot) is a good time to prepare ahead. So doing something to the best of my ability also includes considering the future impact. Is there a system in place I want to use? Do I want to implement a system?

If I am not caring for myself, then I cannot care for anyone else, because we are all connected and part of a whole.

I am the hare learning to be the tortoise.

  • Wake up at a regular time
  • Have checklist by the bed so I don’t have to remember the next step.
    • Task: Print checklist
  • Take medication
    • It needs to be in a portable pill container next to my bed
      • case with detachable days?
    • I need a protein shake to drink it with to avoid a MCAS reaction
      • Could be in an insulated container so I don’t have to get out of bed to get it
      • Or in cooler with ice packs
    • Put on headphones, start playlist
  • Do a transition check
    • Task: add a link to my personal one on Habitica dailies
  • Pain check – then treat the pain
    • Task: add link to pain chart
    • Create a checklist for pain treatment tasks so I don’t need to remember them when in pain
  • Dental care (do after bio break or between 7a & 8a then set 12 hr alarm/reminder) – update reminder time in Habitica for dailies
    • Can pair dental care with morning music and some pain prevention exercises
      • Task: print pain prevention exercise checklist
  • Fresh air for 10 minutes if not done yet
    • link video explaining how this helps the circadian rhythm
    • can overlap with morning music, pain prevention, setting intention
    • Task: set up porch with comfy seat and spot to put laptop
    • Or walk around the block once. Bring child.
  • Set intention for the day
  • Kitty care
    • set up playlist to keep track of time and for focus assist
    • set up task list
  • Find the frog (the thing you most don’t want to do that is also urgent and important)
  • Kiss the frog first (get the thing done before any other tasks – check wall of awful and motivation bridge if needed)
  • Embrace the prince (enjoy the relief of being done and reward yourself for reinforcement)
  • Do a transition check

Do My Dailies

Daily schedule, routine, rhythm, agenda, care tasks – call it what you will.

Slow Down to Speed Up

Do each thing completely and well.

To focus, find the gratitude, and remember the reason – connection and care.

Connect with yourself to know how to care for yourself. Connect with your environment to care for it – it’s your habitat and caring for it is caring for yourself. Your body, the place you are right now, your home, your neighborhood, city, county, state, country, continent, your planet.

Start from the center and work outward. From the seed grows the tree, and its full reach is unseen.

Documentation is key. If you don’t have time to write it down….you’re doing too much. So I’m documenting.

  • Wake up
  • Take medication (should be in waist pouch from night before)
  • Dental care either time based (every 12 hours) or cue based (after morning bathroom break)
  • Any other required self care
  • Care for infants or pets next as they cannot do so for themselves (for me that’s cats)
    • medication
    • water
    • food
    • litter
    • grooming
  • Document anything that no checklist exists for yet.