Tag Archives: social skills

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Perspectives

Rockbiter vs the little guys (bat and snail riders) from the never-ending story (movie).

When they first meet and Rockbiter starts eating and dropping rock “crumbs” the little guys yell and dodge.

No one is doing anything bad or trying to be mean, they’re all just trying to live.

I keep thinking of it as a metaphor for certain conflicts. The first time the conflict happens is easy to forgive.

If it happens again, the little guys either have to assume Rockbiter didn’t hear them or isn’t capable of being careful/considerate while eating.

They can choose to keep risking their lives (not a good choice, but it’s an option), to try a different way to communicate their safety needs to Rockbiter or they can avoid Rockbiter.

If they confirm that Rockbiter heard and understood, then either he can agree to change his behavior or be direct that he won’t be able to.

Which goes back to either Rockbiter changes his behavior or the little guys need to avoid Rockbiter.

None of these choices are wrong or bad. There may be unpleasant consequences of the choices like the little guys getting hurt or Rockbiter ending up lonely.

The problem occurs when the little guys don’t realize that it’s ok to choose to avoid Rockbiter. Instead they may end up feeling trapped and attacked.

Or if Rockbiter didn’t hear and doesn’t understand why the little guys are avoiding him. So he doesn’t realize that he can try to change his behavior if he wants a different outcome. Whether that means trying to learn to eat without dropping things, or moving away to have more space to eat or just warning people when he is about to eat. He might feel confused, hurt, excluded and rejected and like he has no control over how others are responding to him.

So it comes down to directly teaching active listening.

You have to listen, paraphrase what you heard/understood and then confirm if that was correct.

And then you get your turn to share and be heard.

Otherwise you can get into all sorts of conflicts when the problem is just not hearing or a misunderstanding.

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Guide for online social communication

Post same amount as other people in a thread or post elsewhere (my blog is my default). Otherwise I’m probably over or under sharing and either way it confuses people more than it helps.

For social groups – don’t give information, share my experiences. If someone wants information they can ask or look around on my blog, otherwise they aren’t ready for it anyway.

Don’t post links unless someone asks for the same reasons as above, there is somewhere else for that.

Drive-by is not a method to live by. Do it well or not at all.

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Small talk scripts

We realized that the kiddo was either bursting into song or making up zany stories because they didn’t know how to respond to “What did you do yesterday/this weekend/this morning/etc.?”

So here are some options:

  • I don’t remember.
  • I can’t recall at the moment.
  • I forget.
  • Nothing interesting/too interesting/special/worth talking about.
  • Not much.
  • The usual.
  • I’m not sure, let me ask <person>/check my journal.

Follow up these types of responses with:

  • What did you <repeat their question>?
  • How about you?
  • Enough about me, what about you?

Or for people you are closer too or will interact with more often, you can use something like this instead:

  • I’d rather hear what you did.
  • Why do you ask?
  • Is it ok to skip the small talk/formalities?
  • I wonder if you’re asking to connect, and if so, can we just hug/sing a hello song/<other ritual of connection>?
  • Nothing I want to discuss, can we talk about <topic> instead?
  • Do you actually want to know or are you being polite, and if you’re being polite, can we pretend I gave a polite reply?
  • I acknowledge and accept your bid for social engagement, let’s go play!
  • Socially acceptable response of your choice.
    • The above one is best used with someone familiar as it is more flippant than polite.

Notes for NT folks, if you get an unexpected response, you have two choices: get offended or get curious. Please choose curiosity and kindness. Some options that might help:

  • Wait, I’m confused, did you hear my question?
    • Do you want help with answering it?
  • Hmm, I wonder if you are having trouble answering my question?
  • Does this mean you’re ready to get going/started/skip the small talk?
  • I feel sad/hurt/disconnected when I don’t get the expected response to my bid for connection. Is there some way you feel comfortable acknowledging that I’m trying to connect?