Tag Archives: stop masking

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Song snippets

These were in my head after choir last night, so I tried something new. I sang them into my recorder last night instead of journally and wrote them up today.

-indicates the title

-Rumination

When you have a thought

That you just don’t want

And even your dreams it tries to haunt

Just gotta know

to let it go

It’s rumination, yeah let it go

It’s just a thought, it doesn’t have to be

hanging around, cluttering up me

Go away

Hear me say

I don’t want to think you anymore today

-Jot it down

When you have a thought, can’t let it go

Write it down and it will go

jot it out

just put it down

Put some weight down in the ground

Ground yourself

and you will see

That you will start to feel free

Just put it down and let it go

-Stuck Thoughts

Got a thought running through my head

worrying about the thing I said

don’t know why I can’t let it go

Ruminating, oh no

So when it’s time to put it down

Get some paper and write it down

Just jot it down, type it up

Draw it out, you know what?

Find a way to set it free

and let it go away from thee/me

-It’s Just a Thought

It’s just a thought

Reality is what it’s not

Just a thought

I can let go

Or make it real if I want it so

Just a thought

Just a thought

That’s all it is

It’s just a thought

Reality is what it’s not

-Disconnected

What do I feel?

I don’t know how to make it real

Somehow disconnected

Don’t know what

-Gotta Reconnect

When I’m feeling so disconnected

I just gotta reconnect

Gotta think about what the heck my body needs

My body wants

What sensation my body haunts

That’s all I gotta find out

Got reconnect without a doubt

Gotta reconnect, gotta reconnect

Yeah just gotta reconnect

Checking in

Head and neck

Shoulders and chest and back and thighs

Knees and elbows and ankles

Take a big, big sigh

Send it through, up and back

Figure out what your body needs

Checking in just to see

Do I need a drink? Do I need to eat?

Do I need to pee or take a nap?

Do I wanna hug or just to cry?

All I gotta do is just sigh.

<big breath in, sigh it out>

-Pain Song

Hello pain my old friend

I see you’re back again

What are you trying to tell me?

Practicing listening, you’ll see

Do I need a rest?

Do I need to eat?

Do I need something to feel complete?

Hello pain, listening

Tell me your story

I’ll hear you sing

Sing your song

Sung through me

Hello pain

<breathe>

-Finding a Way Past Fear

My pain tells me

who to charm

It tries to keep me safe from harm

Fight, flight, freeze and fawn

Pain helps me know which one

I gotta use to defend myself

cause I can’t rely on anybody else

wait, oh no

don’t think that’s right

I don’t think I’m alone this night

Not the only one here

Not the only one to hide in fear

We’re not alone

Just gotta breathe

Remember that we are a we

Someone else is out there too

Feeling the same way as you

Just gotta hang on

Hold on tight

Eventually it’ll turn out right

If you just keep looking

and searching on

Reaching out

For that helping arm

holding out the helping hand

that is what

is in the plan

Just gotta search and reach it out

grasp that hand so they’ll pull you out

of the stark pit that’s full of fear

and pain and sorrow and not much cheer

You just gotta go

Keep on

eventually, it’ll come

-Titrate Your Pain

You got to titrate your pain

When you’re caught in the rain

And you just don’t know when

you’ll feel pleasure again

Just let it come out, bit by bit

Just enough so you’re not overwhelmed by it.

That’s what it takes to let it go

To let your tears safely flow

Just gotta titrate it out

Bit by bit

That’s how you can let go of it

-I’ll Be Alright

Gotta be free

Gotta move on

Gotta let it

Out in a song

Gotta let go

Gotta just know

I’ll be all right

If I say so

I’ll be all right

Yes, I’ll be all right

Because I say so

I’ll be all right

-Ask For Help

Ask for help

People don’t know that it’s hard for me

To ask for help

No one can read your mind

So ask for help

It’s okay to let people know

You need some help

So just ask for help

That’s how you help yourself

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Here’s how stupid I can be

I was on the phone and this is what I wrote:

$1500*

On**

$281****

$proof of medical expenses*****

Lease agreement 958

1410******

-958

-500 something *******

———

The above was what I wrote while on the phone in Google Docs Monday afternoon, adding my notes Tuesday morning.

*I already forgot what this was

** And this

***This is where I said “That’s a negative number. Does he get the full amount with that?” The answer was “Yes” and I started laughing and crying at the same time in relief that I didn’t have to get any proof of medical expenses (raise your hand if you HATE PAPERWORK) and then thanking the person profusely.

****Current maximum monthly benefit for a single adult as of writing this

*****The number I thought I needed to figure out to maximize benefits and minimize paperwork

****** Current SSDI as of writing this

******* Utilities default exemption

Nope, don’t care enough to make this a nice clean click through, this is just a log. If you need CalFresh help – look here or do a web search.

by

CalFresh

Info Dump mess – I want to come back and split this out to three different things:

  • CalFresh help since clearly there is a bunch of stuff available I found this time that I didn’t last time
  • Yelling at people who need it (I love Penelope Trunk, she yells at the world with her blog and you can pay her for coaching if you want her to yell at you privately, or take her classes if you want her to yell at others while you quietly think about how you needed to hear that – if you have a trauma background, you either are still avoiding being yelled at (read her blog so you can pretend she’s yelling at other people until you can’t resist commenting or taking a class or coaching session), you need to be yelled at but still hate it, or you recognize how helpful it is an love it.

    Oh, Penelope, that’s why we love you even if you think we hate being yelled at.
  • whatever other journal junk I need to clean out of this for those two

Stub

It took three tries requesting a call back on CalWin.

The most important thing I’ve learned recently is to say this:

I’m autistic and I KNOW my questions seem really stupid. I just need your help please.

I couldn’t say that without crying because it sucks to know how smart I CAN be and how stupid I WAS being because I couldn’t function at the moment they called and I knew I HAD to take the call.

I had to pull out a calculator and a blank document on my computer and do the math before they could answer my questions and then I cried again in relief that the solution was so easy.

The math:

If you are disabled and only get SSDI (see note below about cash help)

Then:

SSDI Amount
– Rent (LEASE amount)
– Utility exception of $500+
= Your income

If your income is 0 or negative, then you qualify for the maximum CalFresh benefit.

I had to ask the person three times and say that I was sending cash monthly and had a document in writing to the rental company promising to send the cash amount monthly before I believed them:

IF YOUR FAMILY IS GIVING YOU MONEY and you don’t live with them – THAT IS NOT UNEARNED INCOME.

Your rent is what your LEASE says the person ON THE LEASE owes, not how much of it you pay AFTER any help you receive. Yes, tell them about the help if you are doing the phone interview – so they can reassure you it doesn’t matter.

NO – DO NOT DO ANY MATH for them.

YOU DON’T KNOW THE EQUATIONS.

Or you got someone that sucked at asking questions. More likely, if you’re autistic, have an autistic relative, or think you’re smarter than the person you’re talking to – either you’re not or you’re a jerk.

Being stupid, admitting it and then thanking the person afterwards is better than being a jerk.

I thanked the person very specifically and heard a laugh of pleased surprise.

I know what that laugh sounds like, because I’ve heard it and I’ve made it enough times.

I said something along the lines that I recognized that the job sucked and didn’t pay enough and that they were doing it anyway to help people and to please keep doing it until they found a better way to help people.

Anxiety will lie to you that you can’t trust anyone. If you grew up with trauma, then you will have anxiety because that’s how you survived the trauma of your childhood.

The way you recover is that you figure out that humans are all trying the best they can to survive, and if they have anything left, then they start to thrive.

The way you thrive is to connect. And to connect you find people you want to listen to, or who want to listen to you.

You only need one mutual friend. You can be a friend to someone who needs you as a friend, and you can have friends that you need that don’t need you back. There are so many kinds of friends.

If you journal privately, you’re managing your anxiety.

If you write publicly, then you are sharing your truth just in case it helps ONE other person. So the things you’ve learned and experienced can help someone else the way you wish you had been helped.

Authors are telling the stories they need to tell. Popular authors are telling stories that many people wanted or needed to hear.

The internet has made it so we can tell our stories so many different ways so that any human can find the story they need.

I found the story of the worst of humanity and that I can see and understand the worst thing a human can do and forgive it – because that is how much they suffered and are suffering.

I understand why Nonviolent Communication is the name that author chose. And I understand why people call it NVC because they want to help people who need to learn to communicate, but are too far from pain and trauma to understand it, or too close to tolerate it.

I’m so glad that people exist that can’t even imagine existence being so painful that you don’t want to exist anymore. I was shocked to learn that my father-in-law is one of those people.

Either you understand suicidal ideation, or you don’t.

I don’t know if my husband does. I know I do and I feel sorrow because I think my child does too. I do know my father in law doesn’t. He was so confused when I asked him if he had ever WANTED to die. Like, couldn’t even imagine understanding why any human would want that level of confused.

These people are working for crap pay dealing with us at our worst because they either want to or are willing to help. If you think you’re smart, then recognize that they are the experts here and you need to trust them

You’re not being honest or helpful by “doing the math” for them, you’re giving them the wrong numbers.

Don’t bother trying to call and wait – they have a 500+ backlog as of today and every time I tried to call and wait I was 40+ in the queue and never got to a human before the call dropped after 2+ hours on hold.

Go on CalWin, request a call back on Monday, if you don’t get one or miss the call, request it again the following Monday.

Right now the state has been sending emergency aid and you might have more on your EBT card than you realize, just go try to use it or:

CalFresh EBT Balance and Login – California Food Stamps Help (icaliforniafoodstamps.com)

If you can’t find your card – report it as lost: EBT Card

People are trying to help. And the more ways we try to help, the more people we will help.

When I was functioning, I didn’t find this site, but I did look all this up on my own, so I knew my family member qualified for the maximum and was getting only 1/10th of that amount.

We got a person at some point, and they pointed us at the form to fill out and upload on CalWin so that I can talk on behalf of my family member without them having to be present to give permission each time. You can give any adult you trust permission to apply for you.